Also check out my Celebrity Apprentice Scorecard and charity information!
I'm not saying they overdid the padding on this two-hour episode... but there wasn't any new information to write down for this recap until nearly 13 minutes in.
The contestants continue calling around to sell tickets and get auctionables. Morgan calls Sharon Osbourne, who offers something, and Andrew Lloyd Webber offers tickets to his Phantom sequel. In the van, he continues placing calls, even to people he doesn't know (I'm not sure who was the "Howard" he called).
Baldwin just sits and watches Morgan dial for dollars. (He openly admires Morgan's money-gettin' magic powers, and the two men make up for their previous clashes.
Meanwhile, Adkins worries about the Backstreet Boys pulling a diva act and causing problems. One of them has a last-minute request for black nail polish. He still can't find the wheatgrass juice. (The live audience laughs at most of the Adkins segments.) Adkins is embarrassed that a cowboy and a prize fighter have to go to the drugstore to buy nail polish for a man. (It's not clear to me why they both have to go - the stuff isn't that heavy.)
Baldwin and Alt try selling more tickets later. We're not privy to any of Alt's efforts, but Baldwin's are shockingly feeble. It seems that "just sitting" was almost as effective an approach as making phone calls. He doesn't try to cajole his contacts at all, or use his contacts to get more contacts, or push the charity angle at all (at least not that we're allowed to see). Morgan worries they won't get rid of all their tickets.
At the same time, a bunch of country music stars are already on their way to the airport!
Now we're at the event site. Henner is setting up in her usual frenetic manner; Adkins is flustered by the mayhem. He is re-energized when his wife and kids show up.
When the caterer arrives, Alt wants them to set up right away, but Morgan advises pushing the alcohol and holding back on the food. He feels that drunken, wealthy celebrities are more likely to loosen their purse strings.
The Backstreet Boys show up. Someone needs a knee brace for a minor injury. Adkins is POed and begins referring to them as "BSB." He also still doesn't have any wheatgrass juice. He seems to have no idea where a knee brace can be found.
There are more guffaws from the live audience watching this footage - I'm wondering if they haven't all been drinking too. It's not that funny! And I'll point out that Adkins doesn't dance in his show, so of course he wouldn't need a knee brace!
Adkins asks them if some wheatgrass juice he's located would be adequate. Instead of saying "yes, thank you," the reply is, "do they make it themselves?" Arrrgh! I do feel Adkin's pain! He tells us that he has personally done shows with a broken leg, another time with kidney stones, and once had 18 inches of colon removed after doing a show, so he is not impressed by the BSBs' sissy requests. (Sissy my word, not his, but it's clear from his tone that he thinks they're sissy requests.)
Adkins and Morgan engage in some friendly trash talk outside. Then the event begins. Morgan schmoozes with his guests. They probably donate big money, but we don't get to see. The country music stars arrive. Ronnie Milsap donates 5K from Grand Old Opry. Dean Sams gives 10K. Someone gives 5K in greenbacks.
Morgan's soldiers show up. Morgan hopes their presence will encourage people to bid more money.
The first auction item was selected by Adkins in last week's episode - a set of souvenirs from the first 40 Superbowls. It goes for 18K.
Next is tea with Sarah, the Duchess of York, provided by Morgan. It goes from 15K to 100K in one bid. The winner is Howard Lutnick from Cantor Fitzgerald, an investment company that lost four floors' worth of employees - two-thirds of its workforce - in the September 11 attacks in 2001.
The third item is dinner with Trace Adkins. People are slow to bid. I really have to wonder what is wrong with these people. Ivanka bids 6K, and that's it! She wins! He tells his wife he may not come home!
Item four (provided by Morgan) is an evening with Sharon & Ozzy Osbourne. The bidding starts at 20K, but if you bid more than 50K, Ozzy and his band will fly to your place and play for you. Someone bids 50K right away, but Lutnik doubles the bid and wins.
So far, we've got $24,000 in auction items for Adkins and $200,000 for Morgan. Hmmmm.
Lots more items are sold; we don't get to hear the amounts. The final item was chosen by Morgan in last week's episode - a shopping spree with Ivanka Trump. She'll buy you 10K worth of stuff. A man bids 20K and looks very happy. Then Professional Annoying Person Simon Cowell phones in a bid for 50K. The smiling man ups his bid to 60K. Simon goes to 75K. The smiling man counterbids 85K. Simon bids 100K and wins.
I guess the smiling man wasn't given enough bourbon.
Adkins and Lewis are aghast. Adkins is sour with Morgan for stealing the spotlight during the auction with that phone call.
He never did track down that wheatgrass juice, but the BSBs seem happy with their nail polish, knee brace, and other items.
In the boardroom
Trump asks Lewis who he prefers to work for - Adkins or Morgan. Lewis says Adkins, because he's a better motivator. Morgan says he and Lewis are friends for life.
There's some discussion as to why Morgan chose Baldwin. I seem to recall that Morgan never much liked working with the women, and Adkins chose Lewis first, so I don't think Morgan had much choice.
Trump asks if the Backstreet Boys were difficult. Adkins talks about the stuff on their rider. He's still particularly traumatized by the Black Nail Polish Incident. He says he was afraid they'd refuse to perform. Henner says they were in a better mood closer to showtime. Ivanka asks if it offended Adkins professionally to be treated that way; she thought they should be embarrassed to be like that around a fellow musician. Morgan thinks Adkins should have been tough on them. Trump thinks they would have balked at Morgan's attitude, or maybe not. Adkins said he could have pulled rank on them or personally beaten them all up, but wanted them to keep them happy. Morgan is sure he would have handled it better.
Trump asks Alt who she felt did better, and she feels that it was Morgan because he raised more money.
Auction: Morgan 376K vs. Adkins 64K
Tickets: Morgan 12K vs. Adkins 38K
Junior tries to pretend that this means that they're even because each outperformed the other on one task. Is anyone feeling any suspense at all?
Morgan makes a big deal about how he gave half his tickets away to soldiers and otherwise pulverized Adkins on money. Offended, Adkins says a richer person's gigantic donation maybe isn't as big a deal to them as a smaller donation is to someone of more modest means. (I agree with him, but it's beside the point.) Morgan takes umbrage at this for some reason and demands an apology. Adkins doesn't apologize. Trump defends both points of view.
Trump complains of lack of food at the event. Morgan says he meant to do that. Trump says that's why he doesn't drink - because he doesn't like being manipulated under the influence. Former drunk Baldwin also disapproves of taking advantage of drunks. Morgan puts Baldwin down for his drinking problem five years ago. Trump defends Baldwin and admires that he overcame his problems. Morgan complains that Baldwin is two-faced and not so noble outside the boardroom. Catholics are Christians too.
Trump notes Morgan is sweating. Morgan says it's because he's British. Ivanka agrees that Morgan should not have made those remarks about Baldwin. He demands to know the criteria for winning - isn't it about money, or is it about some other thing.
Adkins says he thought his job was to represent his charity in an honorable way, and raise money for them too, but not in a way that would dishonor them. In his opinion, Morgan has occasionally behaved poorly. But he also says that they worked together to make it a great event.
After the commercial, the rest is live.
Adkins points out that both Jim Cramer and Erin Burnett thought that Morgan should be fired, even though the whole thing is supposedly about raising money. Morgan says nicer things about Adkins, but with tongue in cheek.
And now the testimonials. The fired people come back, in roughly the same order in which they were fired - but Simmons is shooting movie in Japan, and Omarosa doesn't come in right away. First there is a montage of precious moments between Omarosa and Morgan. Then Omarosa joins them on the stage. She's wearing a weird sparkly dress that looks like it's hot pink with some kind of yellow pattern. She says she doesn't like Morgan because he doesn't floss. The joke falls flat.
Trump questions some of the others about Adkins and Morgan. (Note that some of the women never worked with either man because their team was defeated week after week.)
Lewis: Morgan is high-strung, lacks tact. (Doesn't say anything about Morgan.)
Alt: Not insulted that Morgan didn't choose her for his team - business is business. Instead of saying something about Trace, with whom she never worked, she expresses that she's still sore that Trump fired her prematurely. He busts her chops for a while, then says she's done a great job.
Baldwin: Trump asks if he did a lousy job for Morgan on purpose. Baldwin sidesteps the question and says Adkins is ten times better than Morgan.
Pastore: Trump asks if he wishes he didn't resign. Pastore says yes, and jokes about some evening on the town with Lewis.
Lewis jumps in and says that at one time, Morgan was better.
Henner: Great experience, fun, no sleep, "suited my energy," all her friends should do the next one. (No, please tell me there won't be another.)
Trump asks Finch if she'll win another gold medal. She says yes.
Comaneci: Hi
Trump asks for a show of hands. More people raise their hands for Adkins, and they raise them higher.
Ortiz, Fallon, and Galan don't get to talk at all.
There's a montage of Simmons being conceited. It's like his super power. Now, live from Japan, Simmons says he loves Kodak but thinks they were foolish not to use his idea instead of the other team's, which doubled their sales. he feels that this was short-sighted of Kodak. Kodak's Chief Business Development Officer Jeff Hayzlett says they've been saying "Kodak World" for years - so Gene's appoach was not fresh. Simmons is asked, Morgan vs. Adkins, Simmons says Morgan made more cash, but Adkins is like the US flag (he says a lot more than that, but it doesn't particularly make any sense). Conclusion: Simmons says Adkins is better.
There's a video for each charity. In his video, Adkins and his wife talk about wondering every moment if their daughter is safe at school - she could die in seven minutes if touched by a kid with peanut butter on her hands, or milk. They have to educate her classmates.
Adkins does a live song performance.
In Morgan's video, Morgan meets with severely wounded servicemen at the Center for the Intrepid in San Antonio, TX. Among other things, the charity makes prosthetics. Soldiers talk about their injuries and rehab. Morgan meets with a 21-year-old soldier who was blinded and had both legs amputated. I wish we could have seen this less dickish side of Morgan more often. I found his abusive behavior extremely tedious. I prefer a consistently decent person to a Jeckyll & Hyde act.
He meets onstage with a group of Marine and Army friends who personally commend Morgan for raising the money. Trump thanks the soldiers, and Adkins shakes all their hands.
Trump says they raised over $1 million for charity this season, and he's going to throw in another $250,000 for the winner's charity. (It's not clear to me whether he is referring to the original $250,000 he was already going to give away, or if he means he's doubling it.)
Trump congratulates all of the celebrities. Not wanting to be upstaged in the patriotism round, Adkins says good things about the soldiers and is glad Morgan raised money for them. Adkins says he received a merit award from the USO last year. On the other hand, not enough people know about food allergies. Three million fathers live in fear of what will happen to their kids at school each day. (I suppose the mothers just sit at home eating bonbons without a care in the world.) He speaks passionately about saving children's lives.
Morgan says Adkins could win a nice guy award, but this is about raising money for charity, and Morgan's better at that. He summarizes his victories throughout the series. It's impressive. Trump: "You were not loved."
Ivanka says she respects both of them, but if Morgan had a better "bedside manner," they would have decided this already. Morgan makes a crack about his "bedside manner." Ivanka says that comment only proved her point. Morgan says he's worked harder to support his charity.
Junior says it will be tough to decide. And finally, at 10:57 pm in the last episode of the season, he raises a question worth that's worth discussing, about the use of Morgan's contact list; but Trump cuts him off, because there's no time to discuss it! Aaarrrrgh!!!
Trump tells Morgan he's "a vicious guy," but he "beat the hell out of everyone."
He tells Adkins he's a special human being and a beautiful guy, but Morgan wins.
Confetti.
And just like that, it's done.
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