Dec. 6, 2007 (2.10, aka #33): Frozen Offerings

Daniel and Alexis prepare to watch a video that Bradford left for them. They speculate whether their father knew he was sick. "I guess we'll never know," Daniel muses.

The video begins with Bradford saying, "Alexis, Daniel - I'm sick." He goes on, but soon interrupts his own speech to check whether the camera is on. He talks about how his successor will need to be someone with a killer instinct, etc.

Just as he is about to reveal who he's decided to let run Meade Publications after his death, Betty runs into frame and knocks the camera over. There's an extreeeeeme close-up of her brace-face as she rights the camera. Bradford resumes speaking. He says, "I choose my d-"

Then he stops again, deciding that the camera isn't on. He gets up and turns it off.

Daniel and Alexis argue over whether he meant "my daughter" or "my Daniel." The decide to call a truce until they can speak with their mother tomorrow. Daniel asks Betty to guard his father's chair. Alexis accuses them of stealing it. She sits in it, and they fight over it like children.

Henry comes by with paychecks for Christina and Betty. He hints around that he's got a huge surprise for their next date. Christina wants them to double-date with her and her long-lost, sickly husband Stewart for a movie premiere. Betty says no, because she and Henry are trying to spend as much alone-time together as possible.

Nick and Amanda bicker about paper clips. Amanda claims that she needs them more than he does. She indicates Halston, who is wearing a coat and leash made out of paperclip-chainmail. She makes fun of Nick's hair, and he reports the dog to Security, who take him away.

Meanwhile, at Slater, Wil's new employees are balking at the abuse and lack of paychecks. She assures them she'll have funding that same afternoon; but the investors turn her down, saying that she has an image problem. Fido promises to help with that.

The next day, Betty and Hilda recruit Gio, the sandwich guy, to transport Hilda's new shampoo sink to their house. As he brings the chair onto the Suarezes' enclosed porch, he grumps that he never hears from Betty unless she wants something. She hasn't even been to his deli to buy a sandwich lately. He tells Hilda she can cut his mom's hair as payment. Betty tells them that Henry will take care of the plumbing. Gio grumps about The Egg Salad's many talents. Betty explains that Gio calls Henry "Egg Salad" because he's boring. Betty and Hilda try to explain that Henry isn't boring at all, but their explanation doesn't impress him. He says that if he had four months left with someone, he'd... something about eating ice cream off of her stomach, and going to Montauk, and sleeping on the beach...

Well, I gotta tell you, I cannot do it justice, but I would love to take him up on it. It wouldn't have to be four months. I'd settle for four days. From the looks on their faces, Betty and Hilda feel the same way. The spell is broken when a song Gio likes comes up on the radio. He gets Betty to dance. He's giving her a dip just as Henry shows up.

Henry tries to hook up the sink, but he doesn't really know what he's doing, despite his lifelong acquaintance with a Time-Life book series on home maintenance. He's very, very annoyed that Gio knows more about it than he does, especially when he gets a faceful of water.

Later, Wil and Fido watch triumphantly as Fashion TV reports on all the wonderful, selfless deeds that Wil has perpetrated lately - like singing at a local hospital. The investors call immediately. Wil feigns modesty.

In a phone call from prison, Claire laughs at Bradford's technological ineptitude and informs Daniel and Alexis that last spring's jailbreak has given her some cred around the pen. The kids advise her to plead not guilty by reason of insanity. Then they argue over the phone. Claire tells them that if they don't stop it, she'll send her friend Hatchet, who's being released tomorrow, to go after them. She mentions something about their childhood treehouse, tells them to grow up and WORK IT OUT, and hangs up on them.

Daniel challenges Alexis to a winner-take-all paintball duel. She accepts.

Back at the Suarez house, Justin tries to give Henry a makeover of sorts, with pants and a shirt that are too small for him. Henry is relieved when Ignacio tells him that his clothes are almost dry. Then Hilda comes in with some news: she's asked Gio out to go dancing. Ignacio says (right in front of Henry) that it'd be nice to have someone around the house who's handy. He tries to backpedal, but the damage is done.

That night, Betty and Henry have a chance to go dancing with Hilda and Gio, but turn it down because of Henry's big surprise. What's the big surprise? Instead of just having ice cream like they usually do, they're going to make ice cream! He names his first creation "Bananas for Betty." Just when it seems like things are going to get romantic, he reveals the next big surprise, which is a depressing movie because he feels Betty hasn't seen enough German films yet.

Betty suggests that they climb a fire escape or hang out on a pier. He says it's going to rain, and he doesn't understand why she wouldn't rather sit on the couch and eat ice cream. Recalling Gio's amazing speech, she suggests an alternative way to eat ice cream.

Alexis and Daniel assemble their teams and put on their paintball gear. Amanda is on Daniel's team, and Nick is on Alexis's. Amanda promises that Nick will taste her dog's wrath. (If dog wrath tastes anything like a paintball, Nick's going to have a really awful night.)

But there's bad news: It's raining, and the paintball place is closed. Alexis doesn't care. They're gonna play in the office instead!

As Betty assembles a large ice cream sculpture on Henry's belly, Henry remarks that this might be one of those things that's better in theory. (I'm thinking maybe you just don't start off with so much ice cream.) As he begins complaining in earnest about the cold, Betty sticks her face in the ice cream, getting it all over her glasses. He reminds her that he's freezing, but Betty doesn't give up. She drizzles him with chocolate sauce. It's too hot for him, and when she tries to eat it, it's too hot for her!

Henry's displeased. Betty says she just wanted to try something different. They're not making the most of their time together. She wants to go dancing and have memories. "If that's what you really want, we'll go dancing." (He says it the way one might say "Okay, I'll reach into the drain and try to pull that gross clog out of the garbage disposal myself... but you'd better not flip that switch.")

As Wil and Fido head off to dinner, gloating, it begins to rain. Wil sends Fido up to get his umbrella. She takes a cab away from an older woman, saying "I'm Wilhelmina Slater - I don't get wet!" She slams the door on the woman's hand when she protests, knocks her down onto the sidewalk, and throws money at the woman as the cab drives away.

Some witnesses recognize the woman as Betty White and capture the entire incident on their video phones.

Hilda is having a great time on her date with Gio when Betty and Henry. Henry and Gio argue over who will pay for the next round of drinks; Henry bristles even more when Betty wants him to loosen up and let Gio teach him some dance moves. Henry is the only person who doesn't want to dance.

Daniel is talking strategy with his team when Team Alexis ambushes them. Only Daniel and Amanda are left alive (unpainted).

After dinner, Wil and Fido go to Wil's place and are surprised to meet a much larger group of paparazzi than usual. She tries to make a statement about her magazine, but they're here for something else: they want to know why she hates Betty White!

Wil and Fido watch the footage on Fashion TV. Fido is as horrified as everyone else. Wil says she didn't know it was Betty White. The video is all over the Internet; the phones start to ring. The lights flash as thunder and lightning rip through the night.

Betty White calls. Wil apologizes, saying "I just thought you were some old lady." Betty pours on the nice, thick as molasses, and tells Wil she forgives her. Wil asks her to forgive her on TV - to help the rest of the city heal.

At the dance club, Betty watches enviously as Hilda and Gio enjoy themselves dancing. As Henry finally gets up very reluctantly, his elbow crosses paths with a flaming drink. He's now been burnt twice in one day. He grabs a drink off of the nearest table to put out the fire, and now he's also been wet twice in one day. He yells at the drink's owner for being annoyed. He tells Betty that if she wants to dance so much, she should dance with Gio, because he's never going to be "that guy." And he storms out.

Back at the paintball tourney, it's down to Daniel & Amanda vs. Alexis & Nick. Amanda has no trouble finding and shooting Nick. The first hit is for Halston. The second was for not holding the elevator, the third for not making coffee, etc.... Nick complains that the paintballs hurt, and besides, he's dead. "I will tell you when you are dead!" Amanda replies. Suddenly, they recognize one another's hotness. Alexis shoots Amanda. Amanda doesn't care. She climbs Nick like a tree, and they proceed to enjoy the kind of evening Betty and Henry should have tried to have in the first place (though I am guessing at this point that the paint would have given Henry a rash or something).

Betty calls Henry from the club. Then she turns and is surprised to see that he's still there - and he's in a good mood - and he's taken off his burnt sweater, so he's just in an undershirt. And he's somehow been transformed into a dancing machine, with moves and everything. Betty's heart melts. The crowd cheers.

They make up, and Betty agrees that she's happy to have 17 more weeks eating ice cream on the couch with him. (I'm just remembering how, last year, he complained that Charlie never wanted to go anywhere.) Gio and Hilda come over and congratulate him on his excellent dancing. They invite them to party some more, but Henry and Betty decide to go home. Gio looks pensive as he watches them leave.

At last, Daniel and Alexis are face to face. Alexis tries to roll a fancy move over a desk, but falls and maybe breaks something. She tells Daniel to shoot her, but he can't do it. He proposes that they run Meade Publications together. She agrees. He helps her up, and they hug. There's an angelic look on her face as she reaches for his gun and shoots him in the leg.

Betty and Henry dance alone at Henry's place. She says that next week, she'll make the ice cream - Hazel-Nuts-for-Henry.

Gio and Hilda get back from their date. He asks if they can go out again sometime. She turns him down. She had a good time, but she noticed that his manner changed when Betty showed up. He upped his game. She thinks maybe she's not the Suarez sister he likes.

Gio is speechless.

And I thought this would be a great way to end the episode, but it turns out we still have ten more minutes.

Epilogue

Wil is thanking Betty White profusely at her hospital bed as some makeup people prepare White for her televised forgiveness speech. She modestly quotes Gandhi, "Be the change you want to see in the world." She sends the makeup people away, and the Fashion TV reporter, Suzuki St. Pierre, begins the broadcast.

Wil leans across the bed to speak into his microphone. She puts down her hand to support herself - and ends up squashing White's other hand.

Betty White yelps and tells St. Pierre, "Ooh, it hurts. Now she's going after my other hand!" She begs them to get "the monster" away from her.

Wil yells "cut!" and demands an explanation. White says that she's been invited onto Regis, and The View, and everything. She says the feud is huge, and she's gonna "milk it till it's dry." She gambled all her Golden Girls earnings away long ago, and she needs the publicity.

She signals for the cameras to roll again. This time she cringes and tells St. Pierre that Wil has a knife.

At work on Monday, Betty finds paint all over her graduation bunny. She and Daniel deliver the big chair to the elevator, and Betty tries to convince Daniel that you don't need a killer instinct to be successful. Daniel points out that her example, Martin Luther King, never ran a fashion magazine.

Henry catches Betty's attention and dances across the hallway.

Fido nervously tells Wil that their employees have mutineed. Wil says that's fine, because Slater's dead. But it's okay. She's moving on to Plan B, which is in a jar in her freezer. Apparently, if you collect sperm from a corpse within 48 hours of death, it's still viable. (Disclaimer: I don't know if this really works.) They don't explain how you actually get the sperm, but that's what Wil asked the doctor to do at the end of the last episode. Wil's going to produce an heir.

I still think the Gio-and-Hilda scene would have been a much better way to end.

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Next week:

I didn't see a preview. That might mean that there's no episode next week.