(Rewinding three days...)
Claire has pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity in Fey's murder. Alexis and Daniel send Betty to pick up some of their mother's things to cheer her up.
Wil tries to get Christina to carry her baby in exchange for $100,000. Christina is furious when she discovers that they're trying to leverage Stuart's health problems. She turns them down. She lets Betty know that she's got an alternate plan - she's found a dress that Jackie Kennedy wore to a state dinner. It should fetch a handsome price. Unfortunately, Marc overhears all of this.
Claire is thrilled, grateful, and bummed about the things Betty brought, especially a bottle of perfume. The guard won't let her keep it, so she gives it to Betty - as a gift. Betty thinks it's "too fancy," but agrees to hold onto it for Claire.
Amanda is upset to find uninvited people in her mother's sex dungeon. She collects some of her mother's things from the room and brings them back to her desk. She finds diary pages pinned all over the back of a painting. One of the entries tells the story of how Fey got Bradford to buy Claire a bottle of perfume while the two lovers were having a tryst in Denmark.
As Amanda reads to herself, Betty stares at the perfume bottle, trying to resist the temptation to try it out. Eventually, she gives in. The next diary entry reveals that Fey added some toxins to the perfume in hopes that it would kill Claire.
Betty is typing euphorically at about a thousand words per minute, and talking almost as fast. Henry loves the perfume. He's going to Tuscon tomorrow for Charlie's ultrasound. Betty has packed him a care package.
Alexis testifies on her mother's behalf. The prosecution tries to discredit her immediately, based on the fact that she had lied about being dead when she was having her sex-change operation. The judge seems more sympathetic, however. At lunch, a woman asks if anyone has change for a $20 bill; Daniel offers to help. It turns out the woman is the judge. Cameras flash all around them as Daniel hands cash to the judge. The judge recuses herself from the case.
Betty sees this reported on TV and gets worried, but is distracted by an itching-fit. She sees the perfume from across the room, and rushes over for more - neatly leaping over a chair along the way. Gio comes along with some sandwiches. Betty tells him that her pastrami sandwich tastes like purple. The tomatos taste like sunshine. She stuffs one in Gio's mouth. Gio teases her about Henry's Tuscon trip; what will he be doing with Charlie?
Betty complains that she's sweating; Gio is amazed at how good she smells. She thinks he smells good too.
Claire's lawyer says he's only ever lost one case. Unfortunately, the new judge on the case was the judge from the one he lost. Her name is Nancy Biotch, and she's in a terrible mood. The first thing she does is insult Daniel.
Betty is babbling at Henry, telling him he can sleep with whomever he wants, oh no he can't, he'd better call her, no he'd better call her on the bat-phone. She high-fives a passing production assistant, then zooms in on a couple of models wearing 60s-retro psychedelic-patterned dresses. Henry is worried about her behavior, but she says she feels GREAT!! As he gets into an elevator full of people, she practically jumps on his head. Christina witnesses this last part and teases Betty about it. Betty puts Christina in an affectionate headlock and licks her face.
In the Dungeon, now cleared of its interlopers, Amanda, Fido, and Halston discuss the diary entries. Since the poisoned perfume made Claire crazy, the diary would exonerate her. Amanda wants to burn the pages instead, to protect Fey's reputation. Halston suddenly becomes agitated; Amanda tells Fido to burn them for her while she tends to the dog; she doesn't want Security to seize him again.
Next day, Betty sings off-key and dances to a KISS song. She swats her father affectionately and says she didn't sleep at all last night. Henry never called. But she feels great. Kind of itchy, with a dry mouth and no appetite for juevos rancheros. Whipped cream straight out of the can is more to her liking. She takes off for the office, scratching.
In court, the prosecuting attorney is discrediting Daniel's testimony and interrupting every time Daniel answers his somewhat leading questions. The Meades' lawyer objects, but the judge wants to hear more. The Meades' lawyer essentially gives up trying to assert his clients' rights. (Daniel does manage to say that Claire was seeing things and becoming paranoid just before Fey's death.)
Betty mopes at her desk, waiting for Henry to call. The perfume bottle sparkles temptingly. She takes another hit. She's becoming irritable. Gio comes back and apologizes for making fun of Henry and his love for egg salad, but Betty gets paranoid and misinterprets everything Gio says. She's convinced that Henry is fooling around with Charlie. She yells at Gio and sends him out. Her coworkers stare at her uncharacteristic outburst. She takes another hit of the perfume.
Wil and Fido admire Jackie Kennedy's dress, which Fido smuggled out of the Closet. Wil decides that they're going to have to make the dress "disappear" so that Christina will agree to carry the baby.
Amanda comes by to ask Betty for a donation from Petty Cash. Betty is ranting and raving about Henry's presumed perfidy, and mindlessly hands over the entire wad of cash. She gropes at some sparkly beads on Amanda's neckline and mops her own sweaty face with a scarf. Amanda tells Betty that she's sure Gio has a crush on her. Betty says that's too bad for him, because she's in love with Henry, who's perfect, that big stupid jerk! Another hit of perfume. She inhales deeply. Amanda asks about the perfume. Betty clutches the bottle possessively and says she's going to write a "strongly-worded note" warning Gio to leave her alone. Amanda eyes the perfume bottle enviously. (I seem to recall that when she wrote a "strongly-worded note" to Marc, she said something like "you stink.")
Betty rushes off to Gio's deli, muttering all the way. The door is locked. She flips out, yelling and screaming, and pitches a trashcan through the window.
At the hospital, she complains of a headache and sweating. She doesn't want Gio to call her family, but news gets around fast, and soon the whole gang is there.
Christina meets with a motivated buyer. She goes for the dress, but it (or perhaps a copy of it) has been ruined. The fabric is slashed all over, and there's a sad face spray-painted across it. Christina quickly figures out who's to blame and confronts Wil. Wil says Christina is the only person she can trust with her baby. (Wil hasn't told Christina that Bradford is the father - she claims it's an anonymous sperm donor.)
The doctor wants to speak privately with Betty. Ignacio assumes she's pregnant. The doctor says no, it looks more like drugs. Betty denies it. The doctor says either she's taking drugs, or someone's drugging her. She talks to Henry to let him know what's going on. Justin and Hilda make a thoroughly tacky, uncalled-for plug for Grey's Anatomy. The doctor comes back with the blood test results: she's got high levels of numerous toxins, including toad venom. It's almost out of her system now, but if she had too much she'd hallucinate, become paranoid, and die.
They wonder what she's been doing different lately. Finally, Betty realizes it's the perfume. She rushes back to the office, but the bottle is gone! (The stuff is $200/oz, and she leaves it out on her desk in plain sight?) She finds a sparkly bead at her desk and remembers Amanda's interest in the perfume. She confronts Amanda, saying that the perfume is evidence that Claire was insane. Amanda says it was her mother's first, and she gave it to Brad who gave it to Claire, as she read in Fey's diary. So the perfume is technically hers. (I hope Amanda never has to represent herself in court.) Betty is shocked to hear that Fey had a diary.
As far as Amanda's concerned, Claire killed Fey, so there's no reason to help her out. Betty appeals to Amanda's fondness for Daniel, saying he shouldn't be deprived of his own mother now as well. Just to be on the safe side, Betty reminds her that she (Betty) lost her mother also.
Soon, Betty is rushing the bottle and the blood test results to court. The Meades' lawyer calls Betty to the stand. She testifies about what happened to her after using the perfume for just two days, while Claire had been using it for six months. (I assume Claire used it much more sparingly than Betty did.) The prosecution asks Betty why Bradford would give his wife poisoned perfume. Betty tells all about the diary entry and how Fey gave it to Bradford to give to Claire, and Brad didn't know it was poisoned. The lawyer tries to discredit Betty based on her desire to help her employer. He claims that the perfume was tested. He guzzles some of it and pretends to choke. As Betty panics, he "recovers" and announces that it's tap water.
Betty doesn't understand. Just in case we're as dense as she is, we're shown Amanda gloating in the Dungeon with Fido as she admires the old perfume in a new bottle.
The lawyer continues to mock Betty, dabbing tap water behind his ears. The Meades don't blame Betty. Claire says it's time she got on the stand and told her side of the story.
Fido is refusing to destroy the perfume. He says he's doing more evil these days than he did when he actually worked there. Amanda just wants to dump the stuff in the river, but she insists that he has to go with her. Fido doesn't want to commit crimes that are just plain evil, without benefiting his career in some way. He asks why Amanda feels that Claire should have to "pay" when all she did was put on some perfume.
He shows Amanda the diary pages, which he had decided not to burn. He thinks the reason Amanda is trying to get him to destroy this evidence for her is because she can't bring herself to do it, because she knows that it's all really Fey's fault.
Amanda slaps him, then hugs him and thanks him.
Claire is giving her testimony. She talks about Bradford's open affair with an employee, Fey. (Betty's phone vibrates loudly; she leaves the courtroom to take the call.) Amanda is in the hallway with the perfume and the diary.
"I don't know what I would call my state of mind," Claire is saying in a frustrated voice as Betty returns to the courtroom with the real evidence. Two seconds later, the jury declares Claire Not Guilty By Reason of Temporary Insanity. The Meades collapse on one another with relief. The judge takes off her robe, revealing vacation clothes underneath, and takes off.
Back at the office, Claire leads the staff in a toast to Mode. Daniel thanks Betty for her help. Gio comes by to congratulate her. He forgives her for breaking his window, and gently mocks her "strongly worded note." The hug awkwardly. He watches as Betty and Claire exchange fond words.
Christina is at Wil's doctor's office, preparing for the insemination. (I'm confused. Why is she being inseminated? I thought we were using Wil's eggs? Ah, I see... they implant the egg first, then fertilize it... weird... I would have thought they'd do it in a dish.) Betty comes by and announces to Wil and Fido that she's going to be Christina's witness for the next nine months.
The egg gets fertilized. They all watch on the monitor as the the cells immediately begin to divide. (There's a gratuitous bubbling sound. I'm pretty sure there's no bubbling sound in real life.) Christina and Betty gape in fascination. Bored, Wil and Fido leave.
Next week
- Amanda meets with her maybe-father, Gene Simmons. (So much for IMDB and my hasty web search last week, where I couldn't find any information about him doing a Betty episode. I must have spelled his name wrong or something.)
- Daniel takes a shower.
- Henry and Gio face off. At this point, I'm not even sure which one I'd pick, so good luck to you, Betty.
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