"The Lyin', the Watch, & the Wardrobe" is the actual title of this one, but I like mine better.
In the last few weeks, the idea of doing both a mini and a full recap has fallen by the wayside. I just don't have the time for it and it doesn't seem worth the effort.
Suarez home, day
Dad for some reason demands that Betty come down to fix his breakfast, even though he's usually the one who does the cooking. It turns out to be the setup for a Halloween joke. Hahahaha. Justin comes down in a sailor suit. Is he a sailor? Hells no, he's Gene Kelly from "On the Town." He sings and dances. Hilda wants him to pretend he's a sailor instead.
They talk about Betty's plans for the evening. She's going out on a date with Walter, or as I shall call him, Turd Sandwich. Betty tells Hilda about the HMO's confusion over Dad's Social Security number.
Later, Hilda comes home with groceries and asks him about the Social Security number. He becomes evasive and asks her to help him put up some Halloween decorations.
Brad & Chuck
Brad is angry about the music box, and Chuck is just as surprised as he is. And... that's it for Chuck this week.
Wil's fat Tuesday
Fido shows up in a Betty costume - heavy eyebrows and a big Guadalajara poncho. He gives Wil her messages. They're mostly from boyfriends and there are a couple of messages from "Nico." These seem to especially annoy Wil. She brags about her hot date last night with some young guy named Jason. She's going to date him again tonight. Yes - the same guy two nights in a row. Fido is impressed.
Unfortunately, the news of Wil & Jason has not escaped Fashion TV. In their coverage of last night's date, the reporter sneeringly accuses Wil of "robbing the cradle." Fido scrambles to turn the TV off, but it is too late. Wil sees the whole thing and is horrified. She tells Fido to call Jason and cancel their date, then find her a new date for tonight. And also get out of that horrible Betty costume.
She and Fido go through a stack of photos of possible dates for this evening. They're all too old for her liking. "I think this one's face is on our money," she says of one. Of another, she complains that he leaks.
Christina comes up with Wil's dress for tonight's ball. Wil keeps calling her Carlotta. The size 2 dress is too small. Over Fido's silent but wildly gesticulated protests, Christina timidly suggests that perhaps Wil has gained just a tiny bit of weight. This does not go over well.
Wil tries a heat wrap to shed five pounds. Fido offers her a salad, but she refuses it. She's also annoyed that Nico has called again.
Christina tells Fido that she's located the same dress in a size 4. Fido worries that Wil will find out. Christina says she's going to remove the evidence. Lo and behold, the dress fits, but Wil is immediately suspicious. Christina just can't keep her mouth shut for half a minute and admits that it's a size 4 and she ate the tag. Wil sits down and there is a ripping sound. She chastises herself. She's the one who set the standards, but now she's too old to live up to them.
Christina tries to cheer her up. She says if she shows up to the ball with a hot younger man, tomorrow every woman in America will want to date a younger man. Christina stitches the dress back up while Wil morosely eats a sandwich.
Young Jason shows up for his date with Wil. Just as they are about to leave, Fluffy unhappily announces the arrival of Nico. Turns out Nico is Wil's daughter. Hah, hah, what a big surprise! This is the second time they've set us up to expect one sort of person to visit Wil and end up with another. Last time it was her hot date the Senator, who turned out to be her father. Now it's Nico, her daughter. Whatever! I can't wait to meet the rest of her family. The doctor in the white coat... her sister! The repo man... her uncle! Someone "very close"... her cleaning lady (just to keep things interesting).
Jason looks uncomfortable when he realizes that Wil is old enough to have an adult daughter.
Rewind: Mode in the morning
Betty is headed to work in a butterfly costume. Clad in a safari outfit, the Turd Sandwich accosts her with a butterfly net and gives her a plastic pumpkin full of candy. Gross. I can't stand him.
When she gets to work, she is the only one in costume (Fido already having taken off his poncho and eyebrows). It turns out that the email about a "costume contest" came from Fluffy and Fido and she was the only recipient. Big surprise! Fortunately, she gets the joke and declares herself the winner.
Daniel has lost one of his designer watches that probably costs more than I make in a year. He needs it back for tonight's costume ball (Betty is clearly not invited to this affair) because the actual designer is hosting the ball. Daniel knows he left the watch at one of his bimbos' places, but he's not sure which one. I give him credit for being so meticulous as to take his watch off just for a quickie. Me, I'd want to time myself. Oh well. He doesn't have time to look for it himself, so he makes up a list for Betty to check out, but he can't even remember all of last week's chicks. Betty makes a disapproving face, and Daniel tells her not to give him that look, "the All-Judging Butterfly." This cracks me up so much that if I weren't still distraught from tonight's La Fea Más Bella episode, I'd probably laugh.
A Greek spinach pie is mentioned. I love Greek spinach pie. LOVE IT.
He claims that all of these women were adults. "I checked," he assures her. The funny thing is that I remember him cluelessly hitting on an alleged 12-yo girl a few weeks ago. He tells Betty to ask Fluffy to cover the phones while Betty looks for the watch.
Betty starts calling these bimbos and leaving messages for them. When she explains this task to Fluffy, she remembers that Fluffy is one of Daniel's bimbos, but Fluffy denies that she cares about Daniel's other women. She says it's not like she's planning on marrying him, but then hurriedly starts stuffing her face with the Turd Sandwich's candy.
A man from Accounting saunters up. His name is Henry, but I see no reason not to call him Hotty. He's a bit nerdy, but in a hot way. Too young for me, really, but still hot. He flirts with Betty a bit. After he leaves, Fluffy teases Betty about this. Rummaging some more through Betty's plastic pumpkin, Fluffy finds a gift from the Turd Sandwich: a housekey. The Turd Sandwich wants Betty to move in with him. Gross.
Betty rushes down to the Closet to tell Christina about this development. She tells her how loyal the Turd Sandwich (gross) has been to her, most of the time, except for that one time with the neighborhood slut. She also tells Christina that TS is the only guy she's ever... [meaningful eye-roll]. Oh, right, that's a GREAT reason to hang onto him, Betty. Christina agrees with me, but in a more butterfly-punny, less sarcastic way.
Betty hits the streets, still in her butterfly costume. Note to readers: when going anywhere in costume, bring a change of clothing. Just in case. She is checking up on some of Daniel's bimbos in person, since for some strange reason they didn't return her calls.
The first bimbo wants to know why, if he's so eager to get in touch with her this week, he didn't return her calls last week and why does he send out his assistant to do his dirty work. She vents her frustration on Betty and throws a pair of his underpants at her. She claims that she was Daniel's last chance for happiness.
The Turd Sandwich calls, wanting to know if she finished her candy (i.e. found the key) yet, but she's too busy and flustered to talk to him. She has Daniel on the other line. She suggests sending flowers to all the women, because they might not be in such a good mood. He agrees, and tells her to call Fluffy and have her send a dozen roses to each.
The next woman is simply confused by Daniel's neglect. She's sure they have a sincere relationship, and accuses Betty of trying to sabotage it. She tells Betty she won't give Daniel up without a fight! Betty tears one of her wings in her haste to leave this nutjob.
Betty gets back to the office and is repairing the torn wing when Hotty shows up and offers to help. Turd Sandwich calls again and Betty blows him off. Hotty makes some nerdy butterfly jokes and invites Betty to lunch. Betty refuses, then reconsiders and accepts.
Looking at the bimbo list, Fluffy wonders out loud why Miss Monday isn't getting flowers. Betty says Daniel couldn't remember who that was. It's pretty obvious from Fluffy's reaction that she remembers, though. She crumples up the list and throws it into a drawer alongside an expensive wristwatch and a magazine. (I was hoping it'd be a bridal magazine, but it's just an issue of Mode.)
Who's the boss?
While Betty flits through Manhattan looking for that stupid watch, Daniel visits his mom, Claire, aka Judith Light. Funny, the way they were talking about her last week, I thought she was dead, but it turns out she's only in rehab at a seriously swanky place. She's not having a good time. They took away her perfume and her liquid eyeliner for fear that she'll drink them.
She's annoyed with Daniel for not having visited her once in the 26 days since she's been here. He asks her about Fey. She says if she's going to talk about that, she wants lunch in a proper restaurant. There, Daniel confiscates his mother's wine and they question one another about their love lives, such as they are.
He asks about "that" Christmas 20 years ago, when Daniel was 12. That means he's 32 now (thank goodness for the Windows built-in calculator). He looks much younger. Anyway. She tells him that Fey would sometimes call their house and play the music box at her over the phone just to taunt her. Brad told her he had ended the relationship, but in reality the affair continued right up until six weeks ago - shortly before Fey's death.
She drags the conversation back to Daniel's love life, advising him not to be a philanderer. He wants to hear the rest of the Fey story instead. She wants a sip of wine in return. He reluctantly agrees. She quickly drains the glass and then says she and Fey made Brad choose. Daniel asks who he chose. "One of us is here, and one of us is dead," she concludes. "You figure it out."
He brings her back to the rehab place and signs her back in. It looks as though maybe he got her an extra drink. She warns Daniel to be careful about his father. She says Brad stuck her in this place when she pushed him, and who knows what he'd do with Daniel. He asks if she thinks Brad is capable of murder. Claire says she thinks he's capable of anything.
Mode in the afternoon
Hotty and Betty go to a sushi place for lunch. Betty has never had sushi before and is clearly intimidated by it. He offers to take her someplace else, but she says no, it's good for her to try new things. She punctuates this with a sweeping gesture, which knocks the tray right off of a waitress's hand. This reminds me of the time I was out on a first date at TGI Friday's with this guy named Bryant who turned out to be a jerk, but of course I didn't know that at the time and was quite smitten. I don't recall what I was saying when I waved my hand in a similar fashion and knocked his drink, a virgin concoction called a Gold Medalist which was full of super-staining blueberries, clean off the table and onto the tier below us, where fortunately no one was sitting.
But I digress. I can't help it. Every time she does something goofy, it reminds me of something goofy I've done.
Hotty tries some self-deprecating humor to put Betty at ease. She's too horrified by her clumsiness to be comforted, but I'm totally charmed and in love. And THEN he whips off his glasses, pushes his necktie aside, and tugs open his conservative looking button-down shirt to reveal a Superman-looking undershirt with a dollar sign where the S would be. OMG, now I'm REALLY in love. I would SO be spilling Gold Medalists all over the place if I were Betty. I would be going into other restaurants looking for additional drinks to spill.
Meanwhile, instead of sending flowers, Fluffy calls the bimbos and pretends to be from a health clinic, saying that Daniel has scabies and giving them advice on how to treat it. Turd Sandwich shows up and wants to see Betty. Fluffy tells him that Betty is at the sushi place with "what's-his-face." He leaves.
Betty wants to know why Hotty's been spending so much time on her floor lately. Duh. He shoves a piece of caterpillar roll (or something) in her mouth. (Over here, baby!) Turd Sandwich shows up. Gross. He accuses her of cheating on him and demands an explanation. When Hotty offers to make himself scarce, Turd Sandwich says no, he'll go instead since clearly he embarrasses her. Listen, TS, you embarrass me too. Please don't come back. Go program a remote control or something.
Back at the office, Betty whines about this to Christina. She complains that while a guy like Daniel can juggle lots of women, she can't even manage to date two men, and that she can't decide whether to go find the Turd Sandwich and apologize, or go find Hotty and thank him for a nice lunch. She worries that she is turning into Daniel. Christina scoffs.
Betty realizes that Fluffy sent herself flowers because she's Miss Monday. Fluffy flees to the restroom and Betty follows her into a spacious, frosted-glass stall which I can't decide whether that's really cool, or too creepy for a bathroom. Betty is mad at Fluffy for letting her run around all over town trying to track down the watch when she very well knows where that watch is. Fluffy admits that she is disappointed that Daniel can't remember that he was with her on Monday night. Actually she is worse than disappointed - she's crying.
Betty wants Fluffy to discuss this with Daniel, but Fluffy thinks it's pretty clear how he feels about her since she's supposed to sleep with him and then take the other bimbos' messages for him. She thought he would eventually get sick of serial dating, like she did. In fact, she's sure he will. Then she composes herself, gets her attitude back, and tells Betty "this never happened."
Betty gives the watch to Daniel. He asks "which one" had it. She replies, "does it matter?" He thinks for a moment and answers "not really, I guess." She gives him a sad look and he protests that he sent roses to all of them. (Actually Fluffy sent them and it was Betty's idea.) She says she can't deny that he can do whatever he wants, but reminds him that people do get hurt as a result of his actions. He says he's had a rough week and has had a lot on his mind.
Wrapup
Daniel brings Brad both the music boxes and confronts him. Brad flippantly advises Daniel never to buy the same gift for both his wife and his mistress. He says he was careless with Claire's feelings, and that Fey wouldn't back off. He admits that he loved Fey more than the "many, many other" girfriends, one of whom must be their mystery caller looking for revenge. Daniel shows Brad the scorched license plate from the music box. Brad denies involvement in Fey's death but admits that he's a lousy husband and father. He advises Daniel to settle down with one woman.
Betty meets Hotty in the elevator. She thanks him for lunch, and he apologizes for putting her through the stress. He invites her to a party in HR. She turns him down in favor of a Turd Sandwich. Gross. He's disappointed, and I want to soothe him with a hot bath, some Night Train, and a spanking. Then we can watch insect pr0n together and then... oh, sorry. Back to the recap.
Fluffy meets Daniel in the elevator. He admits that he's not in the mood to attend the Halloween ball, so she invites herself to his place, but he turns down her flirtatious offer. He says he just wants to be alone. Then she desperately suggests that they could "just talk" and he turns that down too. Not knowing that Daniel has spent most of the day with his bitter, jilted, alcoholic mother and his homicidal father and being scolded by everyone he knows for his playboy lifestyle, Fluffy leaves feeling rejected and depressed and probably heads straight for the ice cream aisle at the store. I recommend Ben & Jerry's Karamel Sutra but I don't know if they sell that in the size she's going to need.
Wil meets with Fey, who is getting toasted under a sunlamp or something, which may not be helpful since she's still swaddled like a mummy, and Wil complains about her crummy day and how her kid showed up just as she was leaving with her date. She says she sent Jason back home to his frat house to bob for apples. Fey is more interested in Brad and Daniel. Wil says it looks as though they've patched things up, at least for the time being. Fey says it might be time for Fey Somers to come out of seclusion.
To Hilda's horror, Justin is tap-dancing down the sidewalk in his sailor suit when Betty gets home. Turd Sandwich makes Betty reach into his pocket for raisins (that's not a euphemism). She apologizes about lunch and he apologizes for being too pushy and regrets taking the advice of a horoscope from the Daily News. Yeah, no doubt he'll have more luck with the horoscopes in the Times or the Wall Street Journal. She tells TS she prefers him (she must need new glasses) over Hotty; it's just too soon to move in. She kisses him. Gross.
Dad greets her dressed as Dracula. He is geriatrically handsome in his costume. He admits he's been using someone else's SSN because he's an illegal alien. Betty stares at him, impactada.
Next week: Salma Hayek (or Dad's favorite telenovela actress) sets her sights on Daniel, much to Fluffy's annoyance.
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