11/2/06: Family Ties

Actual title: something about HerbaLux. It's a great title, but I like to make up my own.

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Morning

The Suarez family meet with a lawyer to discuss Dad's immigration status, namely, that of illegal alien who is at risk of being deported. The lawyer tells them that the process will begin with them putting him on retainer to the tune of around $20,000. (He is meeting with them for free today only because his wife is an enthusiastic customer of Hilda's. I'll spare you the details of the related defecation reference.)


Fluffy and Daniel show up together at work. She complains, "After last night, I think I need a walker." Neat! She asks him if he ever found out where he left his watch (Betty gave it back to him but didn't tell him who he left it with). When he says no, she tries to explain her feelings to him, but he is too distracted to listen because another woman (Salma Hayek) is looking at him from across the lobby. He tells Fluffy they should take separate elevators upstairs so people at work don't figure out they're having a thing. This elicits a sarcastic comment from Fluffy, which he ignores as he follows not-Salma onto an elevator, leaving Fluffy to fend for herself.

Daniel and not-Salma steal surreptitious glances at one another as the elevator begins its ascent. Finally it stops and everyone else gets off the elevator, leaving the two of them alone. I'd like to know what this building is where the elevator doesn't stop a million times to just let one or two people off and more people on. Anyway, someone bumps non-Salma's arm on his way out, and she gets coffee on her blouse. Alone with Daniel, she complains and then takes her blouse off, spurning his offer of "fashionable clothes" in his office. He assumes that she wants a quickie, based on the fact that she smiled at him in the lobby. She says she was smiling because she was amazed that he thought that ditching poor Fluffy would improve his chances of getting lucky. She puts her jacket on and flirts with him a bit but drops him when they reach her floor.

Later, Daniel and Fluffy sit together at Wil's staff meeting. I am not sure why Wil is running these meetings with Daniel as a mere spectator, given that he's the boss. Oh well, not my problem. She pauses to take a call from her inconvenient daughter, then reminds the staff that the upcoming issue will be Mode's "must" list. She goes off on an unsubtle (and gratuitous) tangent about people wanting to resolve questions about their lives. Fluffy attempts to play footsie with Daniel during the meeting, but this annoys him. No doubt he is thinking about some unresolved questions.

Or perhaps not. When Betty reminds Daniel about an editors' meeting with his father, he asks Betty to find out who the hot chick is that works on the 27th floor.


Brad is moodily watching some old footage of Fey in his office. His assistant reminds him that tomorrow is a special day. "How could I forget," he answers.

---

That evening

At home, Wil and her daughter Nico discuss Nico's educational opportunities. Nico wants to go to a local school. Wil's opinion seems to be that any school will be great as long as it's out of town. Preferably in Switzerland. Wil talks about how "the Senator" sent her to boarding schools too.


The Suarez family discuss how to raise the money to pay the immigration lawyer. Dad doesn't want to explain why he never took advantage of any of the opportunities he had in the last 30 years to get legal, including amnesty in 1986; he's evasive about the past but is eager to get the ball rolling now. He suggests that they tighten their belts and take second jobs. (I didn't realize he even had a first job?) Betty protests that she hardly has time for the one job she already has. Hilda suggests, for the umpteenth time in just six episodes, that Betty sell HerbaLux with her, especially to all the models at work who must be desperate to lose weight.

Betty finds a photo of Mom. It's actually only the right-hand side of a photo. The other person has been torn out. When Betty questions Dad about this, he claims it's an "old boyfriend." Betty asks how this can be, since he and her mother were supposedly each others' first love. Dad gets impatient and leaves the house to go for a walk. Hilda disapproves of Betty's questions and reminds her that their father has always been there for them. Betty reluctantly agrees to sell HerbaLux to help him out.

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Next Day

Hilda makes Betty wear a dorky "10 pounds in 10 days - ask me how!" button, a suitcase-sized sales kit, and some dumb sales pitches to try out on the skinny people at work. Betty admits that it probably sounds better than sticking a finger down one's throat.

Wil sees Betty attempting to sell HerbaLux to Fido (who has a little bit of a Paul Lynde thing goin' on). Wil has tasked Fido with finding a school that would be willing to take Nico. Unfortunately, Nico has already been kicked out of enough boarding schools to have earned a reputation among the remaining schools Wil would like to send her to.

Later, Wil speaks to Fey on the phone. Fey is sitting under a couple of heatlamps in an otherwise darkened room. I wonder if this is going to be like on Pretender where we'd see increasingly bizarre-looking experiments going on in the background anytime we saw Sidney on the phone with Jarod. Anyway, they discuss how Bradford will celebrate this special day. This is both Brad and Fey's birthday. (Day of the Dead? Cool!) Fey suggests that she and Brad are going to celebrate their birthdays together, same as always. And Wil's not invited.

Fey is also concerned that Daniel is doing too well at his new job. Wil mentions Betty again. This is at least the second, but I think the third time they've discussed that Betty is giving Daniel an unexpected advantage. Are they finally going to take some action on this?

Fido bursts into Fey's office, gasping asthmatically. Nico has been arrested for shoplifting.

At the store, an employee apologizes to Nico and insists that someone must have put that dress in Nico's bag without her knowledge. Nico insists that in fact, she stole it on purpose. Then she realizes that her mother has called the store to "fix" the problem. The employee says yes, Nico's mom is a dear friend of theirs. Fido shows up to collect Nico and teases her for thinking that this would be enough to get Wil's attention.

---

Meanwhile

Daniel attends his dad's editors' meeting. There, he runs into not-Salma, who is pouring herself some coffee. He tells her how he wants his coffee. (Black, two sugars.) She is amused by his arrogance and teases him about the fact that he is an editor, but he is so assured of his studliness that he doesn't detect the obvious irony in her manner, even when she throws in a dig about him being "the only person in the room who was born into his job."

Brad announces the launch of a new weekly magazine for "empowered women." Guess who the editor is? Yep, it's not-Salma (aka Sofia), who is already an accomplished author. Brad asks her to remind them of the name of her bestselling book. "Making Your Man a Bottom," she smugly says as she hands Daniel his coffee and testicles.

Daniel complains to Betty later in his office. She was supposed to find out who that woman was. Betty wasn't able to identify or even narrow down who a shirtless woman in an elevator might be, but she certainly knows who Sofia Reyes is, and is horrified that Daniel didn't. Especially since rumors of this new magazine (and Sofia's connection to it) had been all over the news for the last week.

Daniel is especially horrified because this woman outsmarted him. (If he paid attention, he would realize that lots of women can outsmart him, including Betty.) She seemed to know exactly what he was going to do and say. Betty suggests apologizing. Daniel is worried that an apology won't be smart enough. He wants to do something more profound. An idea hits him. Jewelry! He tells Betty to call his guy at Tiffany's and have him send her "the usual." Shudder. How does this guy even dress himself each morning? Oh yeah, Fluffy probably helps him.

Daniel finds Sofia working out in the clearly marked GYM. The GYM sign is so huge, I have to wonder if it's an acronym. Growing Your Muscles? I'm not sure even that is worthy of such a large sign. At any rate, she is doing some sort of crossed-cable rowing exercise while rejecting some story ideas from an assistant. Daniel whines because she sent his gift from Tiffany's ("the usual") back to him. She tells him the necklace was nice, but too generic. It's like a gift that he gives to impress women he wants to have sex with. Daniel denies this. Sofia prompts her assistant to push her own hair back, revealing the very same necklace. Daniel belatedly recognizes the assistant.

---

Same day, in Queens

Hilda is selling HerbaLux on a sidewalk when a shopkeeper tries to chase her a way. A passerby intervenes on Hilda's behalf, quoting some statutes at him until he gives up and leaves the two of them to chat alone on the sidewalk. The passerby introduces herself as Leah and admits to Hilda that the statutes she touted actually apply only to disabled veterans. Leah is a lawyer and gives her card to Hilda. Just then, Hilda gets a call and Leah excuses herself.

The call is from Betty. Betty is using some of Mode's spiffy graphics software to take a closer look at that torn photo of Mom. Mom is wearing a wedding ring, but the photo predates Mom's marriage to Dad. Hilda is more interested in Betty's "numbers." Amazingly, Betty has actually sold $10 worth of "energy bars" to Christina (Betty puts this into perspective by saying that Christina also eats haggis). Hilda suspects that Betty isn't wearing her "10 lbs/10 days" button and says she's going to pay her a visit right now and show her how it's done.

When she gets there (with a life-size cardboard cutout of a skinny model named Melanie), Hilda complains that Mode's main office looks like "a gay version of Star Trek." Hmm, I wonder how much time she has spent contemplating such a thing? Betty wants to talk about Mom's photo some more, but Hilda is focused on selling HerbaLux. She sets up shop in the cafeteria and is just about to begin a loud announcement to their captive audience when a thin woman approaches and asks them about their 10 lbs/10 days buttons.

Montage ("Machine Gun" by the Commodores): Betty's coworkers throw away their skimpy lunches and buy HerbaLux crap. Lots of it. Wil catches them. Hilda tries quoting statutes at her, but isn't very good at it. In the middle of this, I notice that Hilda is wearing a push-up bra. Two seconds later, Wil says "how cute - Caesar Chavez in a push-up bra." Now I'm just embarrassed that she caught me looking at Hilda's boobs (although to be fair I was looking at her bra which isn't exactly the same thing). Wil throws Hilda out and calls Betty into her office.

Wil coyly suggests that this doesn't have to be a problem for Betty. She claims that she thinks of all of the employees here as family. (Irony alert! Hope it wasn't too subtle for you!) She hints that she or the company might be able to help Betty's family out financially, if Betty will just tell her what's going on. Betty explains that her father has some "legal problems" that will cost about $20,000 to fix.

Wil starts writing the check immediately, saying that just as she'd do anything for her own daughter, she's sure that Betty would do anything for her father. Betty asks Wil what she wants in return. "Is that something you ask family?" Wil asks with a straight face.

---

That evening

Brad visits Fey's crypt and tells her casket he wishes she knew how much he misses her. He catches a glimpse of her out of the corner of his eye. He seems surprised, but not as surprised as you would expect most people to be when seeing a loved one they've paid to have whacked. He chases her, but she easily gets away.


Betty and Christina discuss Wil's request at some bar. Christina tells Betty it's blood money. Betty knows that, but also knows how important it is for her dad to get a lawyer. Then she wants to talk about the torn photo, but this is even less interesting to Christina than it is to Hilda. C reminds B that it's half-price night at this dive and she should enjoy herself. She tosses a shot of whiskey (or perhaps tequila) into her beer and gulps it down hurriedly. Betty tells the bartender, "I'll have what she's having." Sigh. That line was so much funnier in When Harry Met Sally.


Wil catches Nico eating some cereal. She disapproves. Wil reminisces about the time she bought Nico a fur coat for her 10th birthday. Nico remembers it well, because it was her 11th birthday and she had to model it for a photo shoot - without her mother, who was too busy having a business dinner with some designer.

Wil tells Nico that her shoplifting adventure was an "amateur" attempt at getting her attention and then boasts about the time she tried to seduce Mikhail Baryshnikov when she was 15 and got kicked out of seven different schools. Nico doesn't seem all that impressed with her mother's childish bragging. Wil says that being away from the ones you love makes you stronger, because the only person you can depend on is yourself. She says this is what she learned from the Senator.

Nice. Too bad the Senator never taught her that kids are also supposed to be able to depend on their parents. Not just to get you out of trouble for shoplifting, but to act as though they don't hate your face. Oh well. Wil also casually adds that Nico needs to brush up on her French, because she's going to school in Paris. Tomorrow!


Daniel and Fluffy are in bed. He is distracted. She asks if he's okay. He asks if it would be too generic if he sent her a necklace. She says no, she loved it - he sent it to her after their first night together. Again, he is completely oblivious. He asks if it would be a suitable apology.

She playfully asks what he's apologizing for. She's as oblivious as he is! Fortunately, he quickly clears up the confusion. He starts talking about how he dissed his new colleague Sofia and she didn't like the necklace he sent her. Fluffy is hurt when she realizes that it never even crossed Daniel's mind that he should apologize to her for something. She tries to give him a hint, but his head is somewhere else.

Fluffy says she's not feeling well. She puts her coat on and leaves quickly with her shoes and lingerie in her hands. He doesn't even see her to the door.


At home, Dad is watching his favorite telenovela. (Did I mention these little novela snippets are produced by Rosy Ocampo?) Apparently, this one show is on all day long. Amazing. The luscious priest (from Mundo de Fieras... see it on Univision right after Ugly Betty if you want to see more of him) touches his pregnant girlfriend's swollen belly... a soccer ball falls out of her dress onto the floor. Fr. Tastypants is impactado. Dad is spellbound until Betty stumbles in. She admits she's a little bit drunk and wants to go to bed. Dad wants to talk about it, but she is angry with him. Why should she talk to him about her stuff if he won't talk to her about his stuff? She asks him again about the photo. He refuses to explain. She stomps off to bed.

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Next morning

Betty has a hangover. Hilda tells her that Dad left early and asks Betty what happened at the office after she left. Betty says "I got punished" and hands Hilda the $20,000 check. Surely the best punishment ever?? Hilda understands what this check my cost Betty more than it's worth. She promises to look for another way to pay their legal fees, but reminds Betty that it may be their only hope.


Nico is eating cereal alone again. Wil takes it away from her and leaves the room. Nico calls Information and asks for the number for Fashion TV.


Sal- er, Sofia gets on the elevator with Daniel. She doesn't seem thrilled to see him but it's a long climb up to the 27th floor. The elevator inconveniently gets stuck. She accuses him of arranging this. He denies it. He offers to climb up through the access panel and open the door on the next floor. She ridicules his plan. She thinks it would be much easier for him to lift her up through the panel. She warns him not to look up her dress. He tells her not to flatter herself. "Good," she says as she climbs onto his shoulders, "because I'm not wearing any underwear." Hah! While she works on the access panel, he gives into the temptation and looks up. Her feet slip off his shoulders and they fall down, with her on top of him of course. Miraculously, they don't break their necks. He looks like he wants to kiss her.

"You looked, didn't you," she hisses at him as she stands up and the elevator door opens.


Hilda flags Leah down in front of the yoga place and asks if she does immigration work. The answer is yes.


At her desk, Betty and her graduation bunny stare at that big fat check and ponder Wil's beautiful penmanship. Wil encourages her to do what's best for herself. Fluffy rushes up and tells Wil to get down to the lobby right away. Nico's up to something. As Wil hurries to the elevator, Amanda encourages Betty to come along too. She says this might be their big chance to witness an execution.

Nico is giving a press conference in the main lobby of Meade Publications, dressed like Wilma Flinstone and smeared with red paint. She claims that the fashion industry causes the slaughter of innocent animals, and it's all Wilhelmina Slater's fault. Fido tries to cover her up with a coat, but she resists.

Wil arrives in a long fur coat (and evidently nothing underneath). She admonishes Nico for not standing in the best lighting and says this is going to be the big debate for 2007: animal rights vs. fashion rights. She raises her eyebrows, and her forehead crinkles very nicely like a normal person's rather than the over-Botoxed freak she would have us believe. She tells them to read all about it in the January issue of Mode. The onlookers clap and the reporters disperse. Daniel is relieved.

Nico is furious. She says she'll go to Paris, but insists that she and Wil talk... NOW. She is loud. Betty, Amanda, Daniel, etc. stare. Nico asks Wil to act like a mother. She asks if she ever even called the Senator "dad." Wil has no answer.

Too bad the reporters missed that, huh?


Up in the office, Betty tells Wil she can't cash that check. Wil answers "of course you can't." She doesn't seem particularly angry or surprised - just defeated. She wishes Betty luck with her family situation and says "they're never easy." Betty nods in sympathy. Everybody's got problems - even the biggest jerks. Especially the biggest jerks.

Nico comes up to say goodbye. Wil tells her she's said enough and tells her that Fido booked her a flight for 9 tonight. As Nico leaves, Wil tells her in the most bitchy, begrudging way that she does love her. She says she wants what's best for her. "You want what's best for you," Nico says on her way out the door. Only then does Wil let a hint of humanity creep across her face.


Fluffy tells Daniel that she was the one who had his watch. She says he never even thought of her when he was making up his bimbo list, and she's nothing to him but a booty call. She tells him to figure out what he wants and find it. She knows it's not her.

He says he's sorry. She walks out on him. He doesn't follow.


Brad asks Chuck about Fey's crypt. Chuck claims there are security cameras there, but nobody showed up on them. He assures Brad that Fey is dead. Brad insists that he saw her. Chuck accuses Brad of being crazy.

Brad calls someone and tells this person that they need to have a long conversation about their "associate." I suspect that we are supposed to be intrigued by this. I'm getting bored.

---

That night

Wil eats Nico's cereal alone in her dark kitchen.


Betty reminds her father about how she broke her heel dancing at her quinceañera and he got her to keep dancing instead of running away. (That's not the worst quinceañera story ever to appear in an Ugly Betty TV series. I tried to find a YouTube video of Lety's flashback from La Fea más Bella, but wasn't able to find one.) She apologizes to him and tells him he doesn't owe her an explanation.

Betty has stumbled upon a surefire way to get her dad to talk. All she has to do is say "okay, I give up - don't tell me" and he tells her. The name of the man that was torn out of the photo was Ramiro Vasquez. Betty's mother was married to him. He was a rich guy. Dad was Ramiro's chef. He wooed Mom away from Ramiro, which wasn't so difficult because Ramiro was abusive and Dad rescued her from him. Ramiro threatened him with a knife. Dad beat him to death. Mom and Dad had to flee for their lives. He never applied for citizenship because he was afraid he'd be caught and deported for his crime.

On that happy note...

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Next week
Betty must choose between a massage from Sven, or a sorry-looking bunch of flowers from Turd Sandwich. Guess which one she picks!