From Unity, Strength. A tale of the things that can go wrong when we get so wrapped up in our own problems that we forget to help and be helped.
Happenings in Queens
It's Monday morning, and Betty is awakened when Hilda climbs through Betty's window and falls onto Betty's bed. Hilda's been sneaking out with Santos and doesn't want the rest of the family to know. Betty just wants to stay in bed and take a sick day - she's sick of Henry, she's sick of Daniel, she's sick of Christina.
At breakfast, Ignacio tells Justin that he'll go to court next month and become a citizen. Justin begins planning a party. Ignacio notices that Hilda looks tired. Hilda tells him a ridiculous story about some TV show she stayed up to watch, but Ignacio isn't fooled - she puts too many details into her lies, and besides, he heard her climbing the drainpipe. He knows she's been seeing Santos. "I'm so out of here when I'm 40," Hilda exclaims angrily, stomping off to her beauty school class.
Ignacio invites Santos over for lunch and an ambush. He asks Santos for his memories of 1995. Santos remembers that the Knicks lost in the playoffs (I remember too - the Magic won), the Braves won the series, and "Sunset Boulevard" won a Tony (Justin made him a page-a-day Broadway calendar). Ignacio reminds Santos that it was also the year Santos walked out on Hilda when she was pregnant. Twelve years later, he's afraid Santos will do it again. Santos nods thoughtfully and leaves.
Later, Santos shows up a little bit late for his date with Hilda, and Ignacio fears the worst. But no, sometimes a late date is just a late date. Santos gets down on one knee before Hilda and says he's doing "what I should have done when 'Sunset Boulevard' won the Tony." He blings her, says he loves her and wants her to be his wife.
Hilda talks it over with Justin, who identifies the bling as a 1/2 ct. emerald cut. Justin isn't surprised by this turn of events - it appears that Betty was the only person who was taken by surprise by Hilda's "secret" nocturnal habits. Justin approves and gives his blessing, but Hilda gives back the ring. She tells Santos it's too scary and she can't have her heart broken again.
Santos is bummed and leaves. Hilda cries for a moment, then changes her mind. She goes outside to chase him, but he's calmly waiting for her on the doorstep. She accepts his proposal.
Happenings in Fluffy's little world
A designer named Tavares shows up at Mode for a meeting with Wil. Both Fido and Fluffy flirt with him. Wil blows him off. Fluffy gives him a new appointment; in gratitude, Tavares gives her a jacket.
Wil notices the jacket later and wants to meet the designer. Fluffy calls Tavares back with some advice on Wil's likes and dislikes. She invites herself to his place to give more advice and receive more clothes. Assuming that he's gay, she undresses in front of him to try something on, and he pops a boner. She bangs him and he admits he's straight, but he's in the closet, because if he doesn't pretend to be gay, he won't have any chance as a designer.
Fluffy calls him a "faux-mo" and offers to be part of his entourage in public if they can have a relationship in private. (Plus clothes. That's what we call "friends with benefits and more benefits"!) Tavares is surprised that she's willing to accept a relationship on these terms, but gladly agrees.
Happenings at Mode
The underage model, Petra, and her mother Lena are playing hardball with Daniel about getting Petra on Mode's cover in exchange for not sending Daniel to jail for statutory rape. Lena mocks him again for not asking to see Petra's ID. Daniel tries to pay them off with $75,000, but Lena rejects this. He also offers them a slot in a Mode Brasil photo shoot - Lena rejects this too. It's this month's cover, or jail. As the extortionists leave, Petra gives Lena a smirk at the sight of Ugly Betty in the lobby.
Betty gives Daniel his messages, but she won't let him talk. Fluffy tells Betty that Christina called 1200 times, possibly drunk, and Henry's been sniffing around for her too. Betty isn't interested.
Daniel shows up late to Alexis's staff meeting, and the only suggestion he has for them is to put Petra on the cover instead of Scarlett Johanssen. Alexis scoffs, and guesses that it probably has something to do with Daniel getting the girl into bed.
Meanwhile, Betty goes out to get Daniel's bagel. She drops her wallet outside a kiosk where Petra is being asked for her ID to buy cigarettes. Petra recognizes Betty and says, "You're the man from the office."
To make matters worse, the next thing Betty sees is Henry and Charlie bickering. Charlie tries to get Betty to take her side in the argument: when you move across the country to be with someone, that person should spend time with you. Henry is embarrassed, but still tries to recruit Betty's support: Charlie shouldn't be so dependent. Betty gets the bagel and ditches them both, then runs into Christina on the elevator. Christina wants to talk. Betty ditches her too, but when she gets up to the executive lobby, she sees Henry and Daniel both coming down their respective hamster tubes to talk to her! That sounds like my idea of bliss, but I'm not Betty. And now Christina is coming down the third hamster tube.
Betty is suddenly plagued by visions of the Salem witch hunts, or something, and flips out. She drops the bagel and runs off to visit Hilda at beauty school. Hilda offers a sympathetic ear, a lollipop, and a free hairdo which consists of one really pathetic curl. Betty says she wants new friends. Hilda says she should be nice to the ones she already has. She reminds Betty of her best friend in high school - Trina DePaolo.
In a flashback, buck-toothed Betty and her friend Trina are holding an anti-prom at Betty's house, wearing prom dresses and watching Carrie (the original, not the remake). Trina got a last-minute invite and then spilled pig's blood on Betty and laughed at her.
Hilda interrupts Betty's narration and reminds her of how it really went: Trina was apologetic, but also thrilled that she would have a chance to go out on a date and be happy. Hilda laughed and spilled popcorn on Betty. After that, Betty had no friends at school. Hilda says that Betty should have told Trina, and now Daniel and Christina, how she feels.
Meanwhile, Henry asks Daniel about the $75,000 check. He says it's too big to be listed as a "miscellaneous expense." Daniel tells him he won't be needing that check anyway - not in prison. Henry is impressed by Daniel's tale of blackmail, and reveals that he knows way too much about All My Children. The two of them bond over Betty's rejection, and Henry advises Daniel to tell Alexis the truth.
Daniel does so, much to Alexis's great mirth. Alexis tells him that Bradford offered her $10 million to leave, and shudders to think what would happen to Mode if she were to take him up on his offer, leaving incompetent Daniel in charge.
Betty goes looking for Christina in the Closet. She leaves her a note and uses the steamer to get rid of Hilda's dumb goofy curl. Henry runs into Betty while passing out the paychecks and tells her about Daniel and the blackmail. She finds Daniel and he apologizes to her for being such a jerk. He admits he needs her. She yells at him, and he wants to resign.
Alexis offers Daniel a deal. She'll bail him out if he resigns. Betty and Henry watch sadly as Daniel reviews Alexis's paperwork.
Petra and Lena show up. Betty needles them about their dishonesty and says that Lena should be on the cover of their Mother's Day issue. Petra and Lena sit down and wait for Daniel. Betty and Henry sit down opposite and wait too. (Not sure why Daniel's taking so long.)
Finally Petra lights a cigarette. She also lights up a little bulb in Betty's brain. While Henry chastises Petra for smoking in their precious office, Betty remembers that Petra needed to show her ID in order to buy cigarettes - which means she's at least 18. Betty grabs Petra's purse and dumps it on the desk in front of Alexis and Daniel. It's Lena's purse, but fortunately Henry grabbed Petra's too. They check Petra's passport, and she's not 16... she's not 18... she's TWENTY! YEARS! OLD!!!!
Daniel yells at the little scammer, who looks stunned. The two con women leave. He tears up Alexis's contract. Alexis advises Betty to ask for a raise.
Daniel, Henry, and Betty smile at each other triumphantly. Team Daniel is back in business!
Happenings elsewhere at Mode
Rewinding to morning...
Bradford and Wil are in Wil's bed. Wil tries to get him to talk, but he wants to take another boner pill. Guess why. :-)
Wil brings the pills to Fido and asks him to swap them out with some inert replacement. Now, I have to confess that I thought that this would have sinister implications. Brad would start taking more of them to get the desired effect, and then when he got a refill on his Rx, he'd OD on the real ones and die of a heart attack. But that's not where they were going with this, I guess. Anyway... Fido replaces them with mints and points out the flaw in Wil's plan: Bradford already has a wife. He recommends that Wil find the "thorn" in Brad's paw, and pull it out.
Meanwhile, Bradford offers Alexis $10 million to leave Mode. This was actually not what Alexis had in mind when she tried to call Bradford last week and Wil canceled the call - she had in fact been hoping for a reconciliation. Now Alexis is angrier than ever.
For some reason, Mode is hosting a photo shoot for Mode Brasil. Fido and Fluffy both fall in love with Rodrigo Veloso, the Brazilian magazine's creative director, but the person who catches his eye is... Alexis. He flirts with her and invites her to dinner. She nervously turns him down, but Wil encourages Alexis to take this opportunity to test-drive her new girl parts. Alexis accepts Rodrigo's invitation, but first asks if he knows about her "story." He says he knows all about it and he's still interested.
She shows up at Rodrigo's place and says she's had a bad day. She wants to skip dinner. She throws him on the bed and offers him a condom. "This is your first time as a girl, isn't it," observes Rodrigo. Evidently, they have a good time. He invites her to visit him in Brazil for a while. She says that if she goes there, she may never come back. Rodrigo doesn't object.
Wrapup
Betty: I saved the day! I'm Wonder Woman!
Henry: I snatched a purse, I'm kind of a badass!
They hug and make up. Charlie sees them... but evidently doesn't let them know she saw.
____
Daniel offers Betty some champagne, then worriedly withdraws it, asking if she's old enough. Betty gives him a sour look. "Too soon?" he asks innocently.
He asks her to set up a date with some women he met at some Trump event. She accuses Daniel of having a Problem - using women like a drug to avoid dealing with more important things. He brushes this off.
____
Christina finds Betty's note and they get together and talk. Christina apologizes, and promises to end her collaboration with Wil. She says maybe she'll even go double-agent on her.
____
Bradford gives some money to Rodrigo and promises to give him "the rest" when the "job" is done. The job? To get Alexis out of the country. In exchange, Rodrigo expects to become the Editor-In-Chief of Mode Brasil. "Little Orphan Tranny needs a man," Wil gloats. She also gloats that she and Bradford are a good team. (See? From unity, strength.) Bradford agrees, but adds that he'll never divorce Claire!
Wil plays it cool and says they're just having fun. As a bonus, Brad tells her that with her, he doesn't even need his boner pills. He takes her into his arms. Wil checks her watch.
____
The next day, Hilda shows Betty her engagement ring. Betty is happy and promises to bring home all of Mode's bridal issues. Betty says she's also having dinner with Trina tonight. Trina married her prom date, and they're happy.
Just then, Ignacio gets off the phone with his lawyer. He's going to be deported. (Don't tell me you didn't see that coming.)
Next time
I see a jousting event and pugil sticks. Your guess is as good as mine.
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