May 17, 2007 (#23): Season 1 Finale

Betty welcomes Daniel back from Mexico with a magic rock, which will either help him with enlightenment or cramps (Betty's not sure, her Spanish still being a bit shaky). Don't worry, she's also brought back a big tacky souvenir sombrero for Henry. She notices that Daniel's got a black eye. Thinking quickly but not cleverly, Daniel explains that he saved the life of a kid who fell in the lake. In Central Park. She was a Girl Scout. (He's a lousy liar, so he keeps making up more details, each crazier than the one before it.) Betty is impressed with his story, however, so she gives Daniel the sombrero too.

Alexis calls the hit man and asks him to hurry up with the hit on her dad. He gives her some attitude, but says it'll happen and not to call him again. Betty bursts in with the exciting news - Alexis answers, "Is it my father? What happened?" (Come on, the hit man's not that fast!) Betty tells Alexis all about Daniel's heroic deed. Alexis is amused and suggests that they do something to recognize his heroism. Betty suggests cakes. Alexis wants to call a press conference! Betty happily runs off to set it up. Confidentially, Alexis complains to her dumb assistant that Daniel stole her story... it's the one she used to use to impress people.

Betty surprises Daniel with a room full of Girl Scouts and a TV crew. She tells him he needs the good press. As Daniel holds up a plaque and the cameras snap away, Alexis shows up in a stunning green dress and encourages him to give all the details of the rescue. Suddenly, however, he's short on details, so Alexis tries to pry some out of him, only to blow holes into each one. She asks the Girl Scouts if it's okay to lie. "No," they chorus, as the cameras snap some more. Daniel admits to Betty later that a drug dealer gave him the black eye - also took his money and an expensive watch. Betty doesn't approve of his "medicine," but he says at least he's not still having sex. As the Girl Scouts march out of the office waving goodbye, Betty tells Daniel she's very disappointed and storms out.

Bradford presents Wil with an engagement ring. It's in the shape of a large flower, covered with very small sparkly stones (there is no big rock in the center). Wil exclaims, "oh my," in a tone that clearly says "I hate it." Brad doesn't notice the tone (he's probably used to it) and proudly says he designed it himself. "It represents how our love has bloomed." It's a done deal now - they're engaged for real. Wil says it's like she's in a fairy tale. As he holds her close, she shoots him an irritated glance out of the corner of her eye.

She tries to get St. Paddy's cathedral for a June 16 wedding. (There are so many things wrong with this, I don't even know where to begin.) There's a conflict, however - Wil's fashion-world rival, Mode's biggest advertiser, the great Fabia, has actually booked the church for the same day. They meet. Wil congratulates Fabia on her "nuptials." (Misunderstanding, Fabia pats her big breasts and says she got them done for her wedding.) Fabia agrees to let Wil have "St. Patrick's Day Cathedral" that day in exchange for... *gulp*... Fido! ("I want that girl!" Fabia demands, pointing at Fido.)

Wil agrees and they make the switch. However, Fabia doesn't treat Fido well. She makes him a part of her entourage, makes him pick up after her dog, dresses him in black instead of letting him wear bright colors, makes him smoke cigarettes and eat pasta, tests cosmetics on his face instead of on animals, etc. Wil experiences a moody montage (to the tune of "Memories" as sung by Vanessa Williams!) of tender moments between herself and her assistant (Fido gives Wil Botox shots... Fido dresses as Betty for Halloween... Wil punches Fido in the stairwell...) and repents. She trades the church date so she can get Fido back. Her new wedding date is now sometime in November. To Fido's face, she denies making the trade, but he hugs her anyway and she smiles warmly for a moment. Then: "You did not just hug me." "Of course I didn't," the professional brown-noser agrees.

Meanwhile, in prison, Claire is furious about the divorce papers, and suspects Wil is behind it. She, Yoga, a tough-looking bald woman named Chartreuse, and diabetic "Sugar-Free Shirley" plan a jailbreak. As Shirley does some serious abdominal exercises across the other side of the room, Yoga ominously tells the rest of the team that Shirley will be the key to their plan. They give Shirley a candy bar, and Claire promises $50,000 in Shirley's bank account for the cooperation. ("Good job, Bitch," Yoga tells Claire. After two weeks in the slammer, Claire has been promoted from Fish to Bitch.)

Justin, who's an understudy for his school's production of West Side Story, gives fate a helping hand by sneaking walnuts to the play's star, who has an allergy. Now Justin's going to be the star. Meanwhile, as Wil plans a painfully expensive wedding, Hilda plans her own. Santos is helping her, being supportive of Justin's thespian ambitions (he teaches the boy how to snap his fingers), and the whole family seems to be getting along harmoniously. They eagerly plan to witness Justin's great showbiz debut.

Betty leaves an awkward message for Henry, wanting to talk. When Henry shows up, Betty asks Daniel for one of his "mints" - those pills he's still popping. Daniel lies and says her breath is fine, and sends her out to talk to her "little friend." Henry is very happy to see her, and they go into the copy room to speak privately.

Betty tells Henry she'll fight for him. He says that he and Charlie have broken up. He is about to kiss her when Fluffy interrupts and announces to everyone that Betty's in heat. As a curious crowd gathers, Betty and Henry agree to have dinner at her place the next night. Betty happily leans over the copier and hits the Copy button by mistake - it's the world's greatest copier! Apparently, it takes great photos, because a very flattering likeness of Betty slides into the output tray!

Next day, Betty goes to her new dentist/orthodontist for a cleaning. The ortho-dentist is excited to hear about Betty's date and reveals herself to be a very enthusiastic fan of chick flicks. Her assistant/accountant, a sour-faced woman named Angelica, complains about Betty's insurance coverage and expresses annoyance that the ortho-dentist is blond and pretty. (That was the Mexican Betty, aka Lety, aka Angelica Vale.) Betty has a cavity and promises to return the next day to get it filled - she doesn't want her lips to be numb when she kisses Henry. The ortho-dentist is enchanted.

Betty prepares dinner that night, though she clearly has no aptitude for cooking. Ignacio tries to reassure her over the phone (he's still stuck in Mexico, but things are supposedly moving along) and reminds her that there are takeout menus on top of the fridge. Charlie shows up before Henry does (Charlie had called Henry at work, but "the receptionist" - aka Fluffy - told Charlie he was at Betty's), and tells Betty she's pregnant and leaving for Tucson tomorrow. Henry shows up and she gives him the blessed news as well. So much for Betty's hot date.

The next day, Betty tells Christina about it. "I can't eat," she complains, shoving chocolates into her mouth. Henry calls, and they meet to talk on some bridge that any New Yorker would know the name of, but I don't. Henry has decided to stand by Charlie and move back to AZ with her. He grew up without a father, and he can't do that to his own child. They're going to leave that very night. He wishes Betty a wonderful life, and they kiss. Not much - just enough to make the scene hurt ten times as much as it needed to.

Betty goes to her ortho-dentist for a filling and some therapy. (She eschews the nitrous, saying she wants to feel the pain - actually, nitrous doesn't do much for pain, it just makes you less concerned about it.) The ortho-dentist thinks Henry's girlfriend probably poked a hole in the condom, and she's intrigued that the woman's name is Charlie - because she saw Betty's old orthodontist at a party, and HE's been dating a Charlie! And they've been going for about two months! And she has red hair and makes jewelry out of trash!!

I remember when Charlie and Dr. Farkas first met. It was at Charlie's birthday party. Dr. Farkas was Betty's date, and he gave Charlie a tongue-scraper. "So many people neglect the tongue," Charlie said with gratitude.

Betty realizes that the Charlie's baby might not even be Henry's. The ortho-dentist urges Betty to hurry up and meet him at the airport, just like a Reese Witherspoon or Drew Barrymore character would do. (She admits she might be watching too many movies.)

Fluffy accidentally, tipsily reveals the aptly-named, lushly decorated Love Dungeon to Christina. (The previous day, Fluffy had danced in, Yvonne-Craig-as-Batgirl-style, and Fido showed off Fey's collection of fetish stuff.) The door jams shut, and the two women are trapped inside what Fluffy now describes as "my special place." They pass the time by drinking the stash of champagne hidden there.

...A while later, Christina and Fluffy are sloshed. Fluffy tries multiple times, without success, to get Christina to kiss her (but she doesn't actually attempt to kiss Christina herself). They exchange secrets: Fluffy's been with Bill Cosby. Christina's got some idiot oaf of an insurance auditor husband back in Scotland. She left him just after making him breakfast, and he still doesn't know where she is. (Something tells me he'll find her in Season 2 - so the question is, who's a popular Scottish actor you'd like to see in the role? What, did someone say Ewan MacGregor? I'd like that!) Fluffy also reveals that she got her job through Fey - she was a friend of the family. Fluffy's father, the investment banker, used to handle Fey's money.

As they stagger around looking for more champagne, they find a safe. Recalling Fey's "real" measurements (which she doesn't real to us), Christina is able to crack the code and open the safe. Inside is Fey's last diary, which they carelessly toss aside (strange, since Fluffy's been looking for a way to impress Alexis - knowing about the room would be enough, but now she's got the diary too?). They also find a photo of Fluffy as a chubby toddler, and a birth certificate revealing that Fey is her mother. I can't read Fluffy's reaction.

Meanwhile, Claire and her pals are being transferred from one facility to another. Shirley is going into hypoglycemic shock (I guess that's why they gave her the candy bar, so she could get out of it quickly). The driver pulls over and comes back there with a medical kit, and Yoga grabs him by the neck with the chain from her handcuffs. Claire takes his gun. The escape is in progress! (Later, we see Claire and Yoga shuffling down the road, their legs still chained together. Where are Chartreuse and Shirley?)

Back at Mode, Daniel has taken the news of his father's engagement poorly. He staggers into Alexis's office, angry about the press conference and a half-dozen other things; he's depressed, and totally gassed. He tells Alexis that when he thought she was dead, he used to visit her grave. Sometimes he still wants to, because he still misses the person she used to be.

He admits he's had a bunch of pills and washed them down with booze. Worried, Alexis speeds him to the hospital in the only car available - their father's. She regrets that they've come to this, hopes they can be there for each other again. Daniel dopily points out that they're going too fast. Alexis tries to slow down, and that's when she realizes that the brake line has been cut. Her plan to have Brad killed has backfired. They crash into a tree. They're unconscious (or perhaps dead) in the car.

It's opening night of West Side Story. Justin is breaking legs left and right. Santos stops at a convenience store to get a gift for Justin. He asks the clerk for some whitening strips (for Justin's teeth). The clerk is behaving strangely. The convenience store is being held up by a very nervous gunman. Santos sees an opportunity to disarm the man, but he miscalculates and gets shot.

At that moment, Justin is shot too - or, more correctly, Tony is shot by Chino in the play. Hilda watches, looking bothered. It's hard to see her face well in the dark, but maybe she senses that something is wrong, or maybe she's upset see to see her son fall to the stage. Maybe she's annoyed that Santos and Betty haven't shown up yet.

Betty is on the phone at home, trying to get flight information from the airport. Two cops come to the door. They seem to tower over her as they ask for Hilda.

Betty hurries to fetch Hilda, who is annoyed to be called away from Justin's spectacular death scene. Her annoyance is replaced with fear when she sees the look on Betty's face. Up on the stage, Maria finishes "Somewhere" over Tony's dead body, while Hilda howls with real shock and grief in the hallway outside the auditorium.

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Next season on Ugly Betty

We're to assume that Santos is dead... I'd like to hope otherwise, but if he'd only been injured, would Betty and Hilda still be hanging around in the hallway?

Are Alexis and Daniel dead?

Will Claire's jailbreak get spun off into an all-girl version of Fox's "Prison Break," or will Claire will rescue Daniel and Alexis?

Is Fluffy the love child of Fey and Bradford... making her a Meade and therefore a possible Mode owner?