It's Administrative Professionals' Day, but everyone keeps calling it Secretaries' Day, which offends Betty. Betty has planned an outing for Mode's administrative staff at a themed restaurant called The Middle Ages.
Daniel shows up late to work as usual and gives Betty a trophy. Betty peels off a piece of masking tape to see that it's actually a "World's Greatest Notary" trophy. He admits he forgot to go shopping sooner. Betty suspects he's been partying instead of going to meetings for his "Problem." Daniel asks her to summon some models for a photo shoot; he says he's in the mood for redheads.
Betty locates an "expert" on sex addiction - a writer named Tyler, from Psychology Now, another fine publication of the Meade empire. Now Daniel doesn't have to go to any meetings - a helpful person will meet with him, instead. But Daniel still doesn't want to meet with Tyler - he'd rather go scope out the models at the photo shoot. Betty gives him a piece of her mind, telling Daniel about the problems that her family is having at home (Ignacio's preparing to be deported). Daniel appears not to be listening; in the background, we can see Tyler sticking his arm through a donut-shaped sculpture. I'm sure that wasn't meant to be Freudian at all. ;-)
Daniel eventually meets with Tyler, but is horrified when Tyler suggests that Daniel try to go on a no-sex date.
Nevertheless, he gives it a shot. He goes out with a hot-to-trot model who won't take no for an answer. He puts up a weak fight, trying to tempt the model with free movies on cable, but eventually gives in. Later, he confesses to Tyler that not only did he fail to abstain, he actually had sex in front of "Hotel Rwanda."
Tyler says that in fact, he too was once a sex addict. He claims that he solved the problem by replacing one habit with another. He whips out a bottle of pills that he said he discovered while overseas, and gives them to Daniel.
Oh, Daniel, don't do it!
The Quest
The deal is that Ignacio can travel to Guadalajara, get a US visa there, and then re-enter the US legally. Maybe. If he doesn't, he'll probably be deported, and not be allowed to come back. Betty is trying to get him a ticket, but the going fare is $1200, which is more than they have, and this needs to happen by Friday. The travel agent keeps trying to sell her a ticket to Acapulco (approx. 336 miles from Guadalajara) instead.
Betty goes to work and receives an angry rebuke from Nick, Alexis's idiot assistant. (I can't believe Fluffy lost out to this guy!) Nick's mad because Betty is eating his yogurt. (Supposedly, this is because Betty didn't realize it was his, and figured it was up for grabs. This seems ridiculous to me - I can't believe Betty would eat anything she found in the fridge unless she brought it in herself. Oh well. It's a plot point, so I guess we gotta just live with it.) Betty apologizes, but Nick vows revenge.
Betty and Christina discuss ways Betty can raise money for Ignacio's plane ticket. Betty discovers that there's a $1000 prize if she can stay on a mechanical horse for 15 seconds at The Middle Ages. She explains to Christina that she developed thighs of steel as a child by hugging a tree to avoid doctors' appointments. (In passing, Fluffy says "Hi, Grandma!")
Betty runs into Henry, who asks for an invite to the party. He says he likes medieval stuff, having been a D&D geek, etc. Sadly, his girlfriend Charlie is busy and won't be able to go. Betty signs him up.
At The Middle Ages, Betty is intimidated when she sees the mechanical horse. Christina offers to try to win a drinking contest. Betty almost explains her "thighs of steel" to Henry, but stifles herself. Henry offers to do the mechanical horse thing for her instead - it's his way of being a gallant knight. His grandparents used to raise horses, and as for Henry... he used to watch them from his window.
Just then, Charlie calls. She is questioning Henry about Betty. To Charlie, Henry says, "We are not having this conversation," but he walks away to continue it. (He advises Betty, "Charlie says 'hi'!")
In passing, Fido calls Betty Grandma.
It's Henry's turn to ride the mechanical horse. Alas, he's still on the phone with Charlie, accusing her of being jealous, so Betty steps up.
Betty manages to stay on the horse for five seconds when Nick throws something at her. She hangs on for dear life for about nine of the remaining ten seconds; centrifugal force and a final buck from the horse knock her off at the last moment. Henry rushes to her; he is almost on top of her. Nick laughs and says it's revenge for the yogurt. He and his friends laugh and cheer like drunken fratboys. Henry and Nick get into a shoving-match.
An employee says that for liquor license reason, they need to settle their differences on "the log." They dress up in knightly outfits - Nick in black, Henry in silver. They are handed pugil sticks. The crowd cheers. Betty offers Henry a chance to back down, but he really wants to do the knight thing. He hands her a paper crown. Christina approves.
("The log" looks something like the Duel event from American Gladiators, but with a medieval theme, and both contestants stand on a beam rather than two pedestals.)
Henry lands the first blow. Betty daydreams that she's wearing her prom dress, and knights in shining armor battle with swords. Henry, still wearing his glasses, runs Nick through. Nick screams, "I am unmanned!" Henry and Betty kiss.
Betty snaps back to reality. The fight has taken a turn; Henry is knocked off the log. Nick the sore winner jumps down and continues hitting Henry for no reason. Betty runs to Henry's side to give him his glasses. He asks her if he won. He says "I love you" to Betty, and passes out!
She slaps him awake. Charlie shows up, displeased. She informs Betty that fairy tales don't have two princesses. She takes Betty's place at Henry's side.
Eventually, Henry and Charlie leave. Betty tells Christina that Henry said he loved her. Christina opines that he's just staying with Charlie because he's nice - which is why Betty likes him anyway. Betty admits that she enjoyed him rescuing her, but Christina says Betty can rescue herself.
Nick and his pals are still drinking and being loud. Nick yells something about "Secretaries' Day," infuriating Betty. She corrects him, reminding him that it's "Administrative Professionals' Day." Nick taunts her about Sir Dorko, and his dumb friends laugh. Betty walks right up to him, grabs the pugil stick, and swats him with it. The crowd cheers. Betty and Christina leave.
Beauty school dropout
Hilda is having trouble with her beauty school instructor, who seems to hate her. Personally, I think the bimbo's just jealous. She tells Hilda to lose the engagement ring and cut her nails. Hilda mopes about this at home, but Justin urges Hilda to keep her nails just the way they are and quit school. Justin's youthful enthusiasm resonates with Hilda, and she decides to take his advice.
The travel agent keeps pushing Acapulco. Hilda yells at him (over the phone and calls him "Hijo de gran... perra." (That's "son of a big bitch," which isn't as bad as what she was probably going to say, "son of a great whore.") Ignacio is depressed and says to forget it, he's not going. He's not even sure if it will work. They'll have to deport him. He's not leaving voluntarily until he knows that Hilda can take care of the family. She's the oldest, but she has yet to step up. She won't even finish beauty school?? How can he possibly leave her in charge?
Hilda thinks it over and begins cutting her nails.
Ouchies
Wilhelmina and Bradford are listening to jazz in her bed. Well, she's listening, and he's just suffering - he hates jazz. Wil is suffering in her own way, too - it's obvious that she can't stand Brad and is eager to get on with the wedding.
Wil says he doesn't like jazz because he's white. He'll feel differently when he hears it the way it was meant to be performed - live. She got them tickets at the Blue Note. Brad nixes this plan - he doesn't want people to "talk" while Claire's in jail.
Meanwhile, Alexis is in bed with Rodrigo The Secret Whore. Alexis tells him she's not sure yet about going to Brazil.
Alexis goes to visit Claire in prison. Claire is sporting a big bruise on her face, which she blames on a "yoga accident." She assures Alexis that prison life isn't so awful - at least she has access to toilet wine.
Alexis tells her mother about Rodrigo. The only thing keeping her from going to Brazil is concern for Claire, but Claire encourages her.
Alexis leaves. Claire is then approached by "Yoga," a threatening fellow inmate.
Alexis gives the good news to Rodrigo: she'll go to Brazil with him. Rodrigo goes to run a bath. Alexis picks up the phone to call someone, but Rodrigo's already using it in the other room: Alexis overhears him promising Brad that she'll go to Brazil and won't want to come back. Alexis confronts Rodrigo. He doesn't have an adequate explanation for what she just heard; she leaves in tears.
Back at jail, Claire's next visitor is Wil. Claire sees Wil's soft feet and openly laughs at her for thinking that Brad will divorce Claire just to be with Wil. Wil taunts her, and Claire responds with screaming and threats. She is dragged away by the prison guards.
Will rushes off to Fido and asks him to hit her. He hesitates, so she hits him first to motivate him. Then she taunts him until he hits back. She asks for another punch, but Fido is squeamish and she hits him again. He warms up with some light slapping, then gives her the pimp-slap of all pimp-slaps.
So, to summarize... Wil has sex with Brad to advance her own agenda. Meanwhile, Brad pays Rodrigo to have sex with Alexis in order to advance HIS agenda. Meanwhile, Daniel has sex with bimbos because he's addicted.
Jeez. Doesn't anybody just have sex for fun anymore?
Fluffy kills time between plot points
Fluffy starts off the day in a bad mood. It's Administrative Professionals' Day, but she is feeling neglected as receptionist. She spitefully decapitates a commemorative teddy bear in the paper-cutter.
Fido admires Fluffy's vest. Fluffy says it was a gift from Tavares. She hurriedly explains that they're definitely not having a thing, because Tavares is gay, but I'm not sure if Fido believes her.
Fluffy doesn't want to go to The Middle Ages. Before her brilliant career as a receptionist, Fluffy was an aspiring actress. One of her few "roles" was as a serving-wench in an ad for The Middle Ages, and they still replay it in a constant loop by the door at the restaurant. Fluffy fears that her coworkers will see and mock. Fido cheers her up and convinces her to go.
When they get there, Fluffy is muy impactada to see that her video has been replaced. It's similar to the original, but with a younger, sassier blonde. Fluffy begins stuffing her face and feeling sorry for herself. She thinks she's over the hill - her acting career was a failure and her receptionist career is a failure and now even as a wench, she's "old wrinkly candy covered in lint." (Hey Fluffy, join the club.)
Some time later, she is still slurping turkey legs, beer, and whatever else she can find when she is approached by Replacement Serving Wench. RSW introduces herself with abject reverence, claiming that Fluffy was her hero and her inspiration, and that her own performance - given reluctantly - was meant as an homage to Fluffy's.
In short, RSW sucks up and shows respect. Fluffy feels better, and thus ends another useless storyline that is redeemed only by Becki Newton's ability to steal even the dumbest and most pointless scenes.
Next day
Hilda goes to beauty school for her final exam. She gives a flawless perm, but the instructor ridicules her for failing to give the model a manicure. Hilda triumphantly shows off the manicure she gave herself the night before. Everyone admires her exquisite handiwork. The instructor grudgingly passes her. (I am at a loss as to how they know Hilda did it herself, as opposed to having a professional do it; and as to why she was allowed to take this part of the test at home instead of doing it to the model as she was supposed to.) Yay, Hilda's now a certified beautician. Now the money's just going to come pouring in.
Wil shows Bradford the mess that is now her face, and tells him that she was jumped by three thugs in an alley on Claire's orders. Bradford rejects multiple phone calls from Claire and expresses surprise that she would "have this done" to Wil. "She's not the woman I thought she was," he says, and firmly states that he will begin the divorce process tomorrow. (Something tells me he doesn't believe Wil for a second, but is playing along for his own reasons.)
Wil sends him out of the room to get her some water for her pain pills. When the phone rings again, she answers and laughs in Claire's ear. Stunned and defeated, Claire hangs up.
Meanwhile, Alexis calls a "Mr. Wolf" to ask him to eliminate a problem. She hangs up and looks at an old photo of her pre-op self with Bradford. She grimly tears the photo in two and throws away the Bradford half.
Betty's arrival is met with compliments on her "good arm." Nick sees her and scurries away in fear. Daniel finds her and offers contrite apologies. He gives her a folder of tickets to Mexico - enough for the whole family. "All they had was first class," he says. She tries to reject the tickets, because she's a dingaling, but he insists.
Daniel goes to his desk and tries to work. He catches a glimpse of a pretty model and self-consciously pops a pill.
Time speeds up...
¡Últimas semanas!
- Next week: The Suarezes go to Guadalajara; back at Mode, the Love Dungeon is revealed. (There was a rumor that Betty somehow meets Lety, but I don't think it's true.)
- May 17: Our Betty goes to a new orthodontist, whose assistant might look familiar to keen-eyed (and possibly keener-eared) fans of La Fea Más Bella.
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