Henry is drunk on melon and apricot wine coolers, not beer as I had previously asserted. Betty is horrified. He squashes Betty's face between his hands affectionately and admits that he also smoked a cigarette. (What, the whole thing??) He asks why didn't she tell him about Charlie and the dentist. Betty says she didn't want to break up a new family, or get her heart broken again. Henry is despondent. She tries to explain some more, that she's willing to wait to find out who the baby is, but she could have saved her breath, because Henry is passed out with his head in her lap.
The next day, Henry has a terrible hangover. Hilda gives him a revolting remedy featuring tomato juice, raw eggs, and bacon grease - the thought of which makes me feel a little queasy, but then I'm not coming off a wine cooler bender. Henry tries to compare his anger about Charlie to the mating habits of a female orangutan in heat. Hilda isn't impressed. She offers him a soft fried egg with oozing yolk, which sends him over the edge of nausea.
At Mode, Amanda sits down with Daniel (still in his wheelchair) to look at the DNA test results. They are unnerved by the prospect that they might be half-siblings; on the other hand, that would mean that it's only half as gross as if they were full siblings. (They try to work this out mathematically and are even more unnerved by how alike they are.) But the test was negative! They're about to celebrate the good news in a perfectly legal and non-incestuous way when Amanda realizes that she still has unresolved issues with the way Daniel treated her before, so she gets off his lap and leaves. She is disappointed with Bradford not being her Dadford, but Fido thinks it would be a good idea for Amanda to leverage Fey's fame - starting with tonight's Black & White Ball.
Meanwhile, in Guadalajara, Ignacio talks to Hilda on the phone with a gun to his head, while Hilda half-listens to him, distracted by a telenovela in which a man has a gun to his head. "I just wanted to call and say I love you all," Ignacio says. Hilda, who has apparently never learned how to use a VCR, hurriedly says goodbye so that she can continue watching her soap.
"I'm not such a monster - I let you say goodbye," says the real gunman to Ignacio. It turns out that he is Hector, the son of Ramiro Vasquez - Ignacio's old boss, his wife's first husband whom Ignacio thought he had beaten to death. (If that doesn't have "telenovela" written over it, I don't know what does.)
Ramiro laughs and gloats cheesily. He has been living for revenge... and flan. Seriously. Sometimes he misses Ignacio's flan more than he misses their wife, Rosa. He tells Ignacio to cook him some flan. If it's good enough, maybe he won't kill Ignacio.
Ramiro loves the flan, but says "Kill him anyway." For some reason, he leaves them alone for a moment. Ignacio tries to appeal to Hector's humanity - doesn't he remember how Ramiro used to beat Rosa? (He claims not to.) How, when he was 5, Rosa would hide him in the kitchen when Ramiro was drunk so he wouldn't hit him? How she loved him as if he were her own? They left him with his mother because they thought he would be safe, but it seems he wasn't.
Hector hesitates and lowers the gun.
Ramiro comes back from the bathroom, or wherever, and tells Hector to hurry up and kill Ignacio. "You're such a disappointment as a son." (I don't know why they are having all of these conversations in English.)
Suddenly, we are looking at the outside of Ignacio's sister's house. There's a gunshot.
Back at Mode, Betty and Christina talk about the upcoming Black & White Ball - a charity event with masks. It supposedly happens every year but wasn't mentioned last year. (Let's just pretend that's because of Fey's death and not because someone just now made it up.) Then Betty hears the sandwich guy's bell and runs to greet him. It's a new guy, Gio. He's cute, and they chat in a friendly way.
Daniel wants a special motorized wheelchair. Betty doesn't understand why he wants something that will make him more dependent when he should be trying to walk again. She asks if his pain might not be more emotional than physical, but Daniel dismisses this. He also puts her in charge of getting the giant check to present at the ball. He asks that it not be so large as to dwarf his head, or in a color that doesn't flatter him.
Betty brings her sandwich back to Gio, complaining that there aren't enough sundried tomatoes in it. He is offended that she wants to ruin his masterpiece of a sandwich. "It would be wrong." Betty insists, but he calls her a spoiled Mode girl and doesn't give in. Hurt, Betty goes venting about it to Daniel.
Betty is walking and talking on the phone, trying to get the wheelchair delivered. She runs smack into Gio, who tells her he just got fired. He angrily informs the entire office that there's no such thing as fat-free mayonnaise; there's 125 calories of fat per tablespoon, and he put two tablespoons in every sandwich. (Everyone gasps in horror, and there's a lot of spitting and gagging.) He calls Betty a "Mode girl" again. She is horrified that someone was fired because of her. Fido and Amanda applaud proudly. "You're finally one of us!" Amanda shrieks in temporary admiration.
Betty gets Gio's job back, but he doesn't want it. He tells her the firing has motivated him to pursue his five-year plan of creating a very specific kind of sandwich restaurant. For the time being, however, he needs work; and Betty needs a ride to New Jersey to pick up Daniel's hi-tech wheelchair.
Wil watches Fashion TV, where the reporter is reminding us that Claire is still on the lam and the wedding is postponed. Wil is almost upset enough to throw in the towel, but Fido urges her not to quit "just because some old man you're scamming has suddenly gone all soft for his tramnesiac daughter." At some point during his lecture, Wil gets an idea. She asks Fido if he's any good with Photoshop.
Meanwhile, Claire schemes with Yoga for another chance to get Bradford back - she's going to disguise herself and go to the ball.
At the hospital, Wil and her staff teach Alexis how to do girl stuff (makeup, etc.). She assures her that they used to be best friends. Alexis does not remember this, so Wil shows her a photo album of happy times they've shared together. They're Photoshopped very badly, with heads out of proportion to bodies, etc.... there are photos of them square-dancing, and marching in a gay rights parade.
Wil hints around that Brad has been having health problems and has been devastated ever since he had to postpone his wedding... to WIL. Alexis is impactada. Wil's got a whole cockamamie story about how broken up he was about Claire leaving him (how long does she think it will take Alexis to find out what really happened?), and how Brad and Wil reached out to one another... I'm starting to feel the way Henry felt when he saw those runny eggs. She pours the guilt on liberally, making Alexis feel as if it's all her fault that Bradford is sick with worry over how she will react to the engagement. "I just hope his heart can take it."
Henry is still frustrated. Even looking at Betty's favorite adorable-duckie website doesn't cheer him up. Fido and Amanda torment him for their paychecks and tease him about his last name (Grubstick). He angrily informs them that it's Dutch and refers to a guy who offers the best price on bricks. His anger arouses them, and inspires him to finally leave a phone message for Charlie.
Justin shows up in Daniel's office with his father's basketball, looking lost. He asks Daniel to teach him how to play. Daniel tells Justin his name was "Dr. Swish" in college. ("It's just a basketball term," he explains.)
Dan and Justin go to an outdoor basketball court. At first, Justin seems almost afraid of the ball, and Daniel is limited by his clunky old wheelchair. Finally, in frustration, Daniel gets up to show Justin how to do it. ("It's a basketball miracle," he explains to Justin's shocked face.) He swears Justin to secrecy and admits that he's only been pretending that his injury's still bothering him, because he likes his physical therapist. "You're kind of a dog," Justin says. He reminds him of Santos.
Gio is singing in his van. He's awful. Betty tries to sing along. He complains, although in my opinion she isn't any worse a singer than he is. They talk about their aspirations. Betty says she wants to have her own magazine someday, and wants to write for a magazine. Gio is not impressed by the fact that Betty has barely written a word since she graduated. (If anyone's wondering, she says she's 23.) She protests that she's got plenty of ideas. He tells her that ideas and waiting will not get her any closer to her goal.
Later, the rental guy in Jersey tells Betty to bring back the wheelchair in pristine condition. Betty notices that it is not the one she asked for. Gio encourages Betty to demand the one that she requested and paid for. He tells her to make something up. "My boss works for the CIA," Betty tells the wheelchair guy. It works. Gio congratulates her and says she's a real writer after all.
Wil is preparing for the ball. The sash on her dress is supposedly made out of the pelt of some endangered species. She tells Christina she also owns a hat made out of bald eagle. Fido comes in with a message that Alexis is giving her blessing for the wedding. Wil gloats, then slaps Fido with her gloves for the square-dancing photo.
At home, Justin shows Hilda some photos he took on his phone. One of them is of Daniel doing a slam-dunk.
Gio and Betty are setting up Daniel's new wheelchair. Gio tells her that she doesn't have time to write because she's always tending to her boss's dumb errands. Gio begins replying to her excuses with "Quack." He tells her she needs to come up with a plan. Betty begins replying with "Woof." Soon, the entire conversation has devolved into "Quack" and "Woof." (These two should really date.) Fortunately, Betty's phone rings. It's Hilda, calling with the news of Daniel's miraculous recovery. Betty is steamed!
She brings the robo-wheelchair to Daniel. As he plays with its controls, Betty hints around about the basketball game and his inability to walk. Daniel loses control of the chair and it plows into a table. Daniel jumps out of the way. As Betty glares at him, he replies, "I forgot - the doctor called. I can walk!" Betty is furious. She tells Daniel that she could have been writing something instead of spending all that time getting his stupid chair.
It's time for the Black & White Ball, and the Fashion TV guy is doing his red-carpet thing. Fido jumps in front of the camera to introduce Amanda. Per Fey's yearly tradition, she shows up in a long red dress and blonde Fey wig, with Halston in her arms. "'Black and white' ball? I guess I didn't get the memo," she laughs - Fey's famous opening line at the ball each year. No one pays her much attention, although some people recognize the dog. She and Fido brainstorm. Fido tells Amanda some celebrity is here, and as Amanda goes running to greet him, Fido steps on the hem of her gown, tearing the entire dress off of her.
Cameras flash.
At the ball, Brad tells Wil about Alexis's quick acceptance of his engagement to Wil. He seems somewhat suspicious, since Alexis was always so close to Claire.
Claire and Yoga are at the ball wearing black and white, respectively, along with masks. (Seriously, I'm wondering what's in all of this for Yoga?) As Kenneth Cole approaches the stage to introduce the kid who will accept the giant novelty check for the children's hospital, the two escapees approach Brad. Claire asks if he's been taking his heart medicine. (This is the second time tonight someone has mentioned his heart... I don't recall this subject coming up before.) Yoga teases him that she and Claire have a "life" now. "I'ts not what you think. Well... almost once," Claire clarifies. She pulls Bradford aside and tries to convince him to disappear with her; they have lots of money stashed away - they could begin a new life together. She takes her mask off to give Bradford a better look at her pleading eyes. She says he owes this to her after cheating on her with Fey for 20 years.
Wil and Fido see all of this from a distance. Wil feels that simply calling the police will only put Claire back in jail, at best; she wants to really hurt her instead. As Sheldon, the kid from the hospital, is about to take the microphone, Wil interrupts to announce that the wedding is on. At the same time, Bradford rejects Claire ("your life is over") because she had Fey murdered. Claire leaves, dejected.
The next day, Daniel gives Betty a slightly used bagel to apologize. She forgives him and acknowledges that he's her boss and it's her job to do his errands and she's grateful for the opportunity, but she's going to enroll in a writing class on her lunch hour. (Didn't she take writing classes in college?) Daniel says okay, but doesn't seem to grasp how important it is to her. He takes back the bagel.
Amanda is feeling triumphant about her success at the ball last night, but still miserable about feeling like an orphan. She decides that she needs to find her father so that she can know who she is.
Gio leaves Betty her usual sandwich, with extra sundried tomatoes. There's a note saying he tried it that way, and it's "not terrible."
Henry apologizes to Betty for coming to her house drunk and passing out. Charlie admitted to fooling around with the dentist and has agreed to take a paternity test, but they have to wait till her 14th week. (No clue how far along she is by now.) He asks Betty if she wants to go to lunch, but she says she'd like to but can't. She'll explain later. Henry notices that her sandwich is tied with a ribbon. She denies that it's a gift.
At home that night, Hilda enthusiastically supports Betty's plan to become a writer. (This is a far cry from the jealous, sullen Hilda last year who resented every moment that Betty spent at Mode!)
The door opens. Ignacio is home - earlier than expected. Not to mention, alive. And probably in even more trouble than he was a year ago, but I guess we'll see.
Next week
Alexis makes her second grand return to Mode.
Justin kisses a girl?
Fido in bed with Amanda??
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment