The wedding's not till Saturday, but Justin wants to skip school to watch the "Bradhelmina" pre-wedding coverage on TV. Ignacio shrugs this off and goes upstairs to wake Betty for breakfast. She is huddled under the covers, but promises to be up soon.
When Ignacio leaves Betty's room, Hilda gets out from under the covers and sneaks out the window to her own room - just in time to say hello to Ignacio when he comes for her. Ignacio is struck by an idea - he'll make Canadian bacon. That'll cheer Betty up! Hilda rushes to the window and into the bed... Ignacio steps in a moment later... just as he is tempting the lump under the covers with the promise of a yummy breakfast, Betty climbs through the window too. (Evidently, this has been going on for at least a few days, if not weeks.)
A while later, she and Hilda come down for breakfast. Ignacio lectures her on the foolishness of dating a guy who got someone else pregnant and will be moving across the country in a few months. Betty tries to explain her feelings, but Ignacio belittles her and says she sounds like a silly 13-year-old girl. Hilda tries to intercede, but Ignacio's mad at her too for hiding this from him. Ignacio forbids Betty from seeing Henry any more. (All this while, he's serving her favorite breakfast and she's eating it.)
The argument escalates, and Ignacio basically tells her that it's his house and his rules. She agrees, and says she'll move out. She goes upstairs to pack. Hilda tries to talk her out of it, but Betty is still offended that he called her silly. She's the one who's been holding the family together ever since their mother died (she very considerately does not also mention how much she did for them when Ignacio was stuck in Mexico and Hilda was hiding in her room). Betty thinks this might be her only chance at love, and she's entitled to do something a little crazy just this once.
As Betty lugs her suitcase down the stairs, Hilda reminds her that their father's citizenship ceremony is on Saturday. "Yeah, thanks to me," Betty retorts. This is news to Hilda; Betty tells her about the deal she made with Wil to secure their father's citizenship.
Fido is on the phone in Wil's office, berating the shoe people for sending them in the wrong shade of white. Cliff comes up to say hi; despite the short visit they almost have a fight about Cliff's taste in clothes. Then Fido catches himself and says it's okay, and he accepts Cliff for the Messy Bessy that he is. (Cliff says he prefers "Sloppy Sally.")
Daniel walks into the conference room to find Alexis and Bradford toasting with Bloody Marys because of the advertising revenue that Alexis has pulled in. Daniel puts in a word for himself and the jewelry store account he brought in last week; Bradford looks, and it's a 1/8th page ad for March. Alexis tries to be encouraging, but Brad blows it off and goes back to praising Alexis. He asks Alexis to be his best man at the wedding. When Daniel complains, Bradford suggests they split the job. Alexis offers it back to Daniel. Daniel bitterly says that Alexis is welcome to it. "You really shouldn't disappoint Dad," he warns. "It might kill him, and you wouldn't want that, would you Alexis?"
Wil watches the pre-wedding coverage and is envious of all the attention Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham (henceforth "VB") is getting. VB tells a Fashion TV reporter that she and Wil go way back - "She's practically my second mum." Fido tries to explain this off as a British expression about flowers, but when VB's next comment is a shameless promotion of her own product, a sports drink called Beckham 24/7, her mood worsens. She's already annoyed that Mode has gotten most of its financing back. Fido encourages her, pointing out that she'll soon be running Meade Publications and will have enough power to sink the fashion magazine.
Amanda is annoyed not to have been mentioned in any of the press writeups about the wedding. After all, she is the daughter of Fey Sommers! "I've got class comin' out the pooper," she brags. She asks Fido to come up with some new way to leverage her pseudo-fame. Fido promises to do so, just as soon as he gets his "oldest" married off.
Next, Amanda greets someone at the desk. She can't understand his accent, but she does recognize it - she sends the guy down to the Closet, where Christina is listening to Betty rant and rave about her father and asking to crash on Christina's couch for a few nights.
When Christina sees the man passing in the hallway, she grabs Betty and flees to the Dungeon. The man comes into the Closet to investigate; Christina asks Betty to keep her voice down so he doesn't hear them. "Who?" Betty asks. "My husband! The one I ran away from in Scotland!" (Well, damn. I was hoping he'd be played by Ewan MacGregor.) Betty is miffed to hear that Christina used to have a husband and never told her about him.
Christina hasn't seen this man since she left him five years ago. She went out one day for dog food, and didn't come back. (Betty is almost as upset to discover that Christina used to have a dog and never told her about that.) Christina wonders if he came looking for her because he lost his TV remote control.
Betty convinces Christina to come out of the Dungeon and face her husband. Meanwhile, Betty lugs the suitcase up to her desk. Daniel asks about it. Betty tells him about the fight with her father, and acknowledges that Daniel doesn't approve either. Instead of lecturing her, Daniel starts complaining about his own father. They are both complaining at the same time, neither listening to the other - Daniel about the wedding he opposes, and Betty about the citizenship ceremony she feels so dirty about. "You know what? I'm not going!" they both blurt at the same time. They thank each other for "listening."
Henry comes by and tells Betty that Hilda called and told him about the fight. He asks her to stay at his place.
Meanwhile, Stuart is filling Christina in on the events of the last several years. Biscuit, their dog, died three years ago. Stuart has come by to apologize for the way he treated her. He's been trying to get his life together, and part of that process is making amends. She apologizes for running out on him, too, but says that her elaborate two-year scheme to get away from him seemed easier than speaking to him. He asks if they can be friends.
Vera Wang comes by for the dress fitting. Wil is just about to complain about the train, when VB makes a grand entrance in an even better bridesmaid's dress, upstaging Wil. "I have a new muse," Wang announces as she and everyone else ignores Wil and flocks around VB. Wil finally gets Fido's attention, but he confesses that VB and her dress made him feel tingly in a way no other girl ever has. Wil throws Wang out and and orders a baggy, smocklike dress for VB, as well as flat-soled shoes.
Night: Betty is a little weirded out as she enters Henry's apartment for the first time as a roommate and not a guest. It's even weirder for her when he gives her a key and an empty drawer and a drinking glass. He points out that they no longer have to hide; they can see each other openly and make plans. They almost argue about where they'll put the Christmas tree, but agree to on changing the subject.
Betty says that Hall and Oates are coming to town in April. She doesn't understand the unhappy look on Henry's face until he reminds her that he's leaving in April. She apologizes, chalks it up to a brain fart (not in so many words), and hides in a closet.
Next morning: It's Saturday - the wedding day. Wil wakes up looking unusually happy - her bodyguard Duane is in bed with her. While he takes a shower, she orders breakfast and watches more wedding coverage on Fashion TV, which seems to have turned into a 24-hour Victoria Beckham Show. For her latest exploit, she's modified the baggy smock dress into something pouffy and cute. Wil seethes.
At the Suarez house, Ignacio prepares for his ceremony. He complains that Betty hasn't even called, after all he's done for her. Hilda hints that Betty has done a lot more for him than he thinks.
Evidently Christina's answer to Stuart's request to be "friends" again was yes, because they wake up on red satin sheets in the Dungeon, both happy. She congratulates him on not passing out midway through the deed. They talk about what a great guy he is when he's not drunk and lost. He goes to the bathroom, and Christina picks up his shirt to smell it. Underneath the shirt is a bag, and through its unzipped opening she sees a needle.
She confronts him about drug abuse, but he explains that the needle is medication for his alcohol-induced cirrhosis (or some other unspecified liver disease). It won't cure him. His only hope is a $100,000 experimental treatment, which he can't afford. She'll inherit his fortune in six months, which consists of his mother's spoon collection. Christina asks him to stay in NY - she'll find some way to raise the money. (Does anyone else have a bad feeling about this?)
Betty is awakened by a phone call from her father. She rejects the call and snuggles with Henry. She wants to have breakfast at a place she's seen that has cute baby ducks on the awning. Henry tells her that place serves cute baby ducks... her jaw drops in horror, just for a split second. He laughs at her gullibility. She has another plan - to go to the New York Transit Museum, because he likes the subway so much. He loves the idea, but then gets serious - he thinks she should go to her father's ceremony. She wants to do something for "us" instead.
A knock at the door provides Wil a welcome break from watching the pre-wedding coverage - a ticker-tape parade for VB. She is not so happy to see that it's Daniel and not room service. He wants to see his father. Wil demurely says he's staying on a different floor. Daniel doesn't seem to care much. He hands her a jewelry box and tells her to tell Brad he won't be at the wedding. Wil makes a sarcastic remark, but it doesn't drown out the sound of a flushing toilet. She tells him it's VB - "Posh - Spice Girl can't handle spicy foods, go figure." She shuts the door on him.
A few minutes later, Daniel watches from behind a corner as Duane leaves the room and says goodbye to Wil.
Henry and Betty go to the office so she can pick up their museum passes. There, they find Daniel skulking in Wil's office. While Betty confers with Daniel, Henry waits at Betty's desk. He accidentally nudges her keyboard, which wakes up her computer monitor. The screen saver begins its slideshow of Suarez family photos.
Daniel tells Betty about Wil and the bodyguard. Betty doesn't let on that she's ever known anything. She tries to get him to speak to his father on his own, but he won't do it without proof. He's going to the wedding and see if he can get something out of the bodyguard. Betty scoffs at what a dummy that guy is - the other day he said something was a "mute" point. (I wish I had a nickel for every time I've heard someone say this!) Offended, Daniel says that he, not Duane, said that. "Oh... well, he's dumb too," Betty amends. She decides to quit while she's ahead.
The wedding: Despite the fact that it's mid-November, people are dressed like it's August. Amanda is introducing herself to the guests as Amanda Sommers. Fido frets about Cliff; today's the day he's going to out himself as Cliff's boyfriend, and the guy hasn't shown up yet, and who knows what he'll be wearing. They don't have to wait very long.
It was at this moment that I turned on the TV, not knowing that they'd been talking about Cliff. All I knew was that there was a portly but handsome man who seemed slightly familiar. "Who is that?"
Cliff arrives in a new, properly fitted suit and tamed hair. I liked him the way he was, but damn, he cleans up nice! Even Amanda is impressed. Fido is over the moon. "Who knew there were hardwood floors under that shag rug?" He strolls through the crowd towards Cliff, telling everyone "that's my boyfriend!" and muttering "hardwood floors!" as he passes. Cliff tells Fido he didn't want to be a jerk about meeting Fido's other friends; but the shoes and the collar are uncomfortable. "Beauty is pain," Fido answers, "and you are hurtin' me bad." Cliff rolls his eyes happily, but later, Fido complains to Amanda that Cliff's been talking to some waiter an awfully long time.
Fido cuts in and pulls Cliff away from Tony. Cliff explains that Tony's a model he's worked with before - and he's straight. Fido is so jealous and so threatened by Cliff's newfound hotness, he dumps him! Amanda tries to console him, saying that the suit makes Cliff only 15% hotter. (I disagree - and I'm saying this as someone who already found him hotter than average.)
Fido mopes disconsolately, observing that every waiter is serving Cliff food, and every bartender is pouring him drinks. Amanda realizes that Fido is falling for an "average man." She tells him to accept it, and find some way to "show that fatty how much you care." She calls Cliff over and pushes Fido at him. They hug, and all is well.
Betty and Henry stand outside the courthouse building. Betty is unhappy, but Henry feels that she should go to the ceremony instead of the subway museum. Betty takes off in the opposite direction. Henry reminds her that they're the ones who will be there for her when he leaves.
Hilda watches and takes pictures as Ignacio and other new citizens make their Oath of Allegiance. (Justin watches the wedding coverage on his phone and protests loudly when he sees a famous guest wearing white.) Betty comes in, and Ignacio sees her just as he finishes the oath. Afterwards, they hug, and all is well.
He apologizes for the way he spoke to her, and she apologizes for hiding the relationship from him. She admits that when Henry leaves, she'll be a mess. And Ignacio will be the one to fix her up again. (Heh, just to cause trouble, I'm going to vote for Gio instead.)
Betty says she'll move back in. Ignacio lets on that he knows what she did to make his citizenship happen. He tells her she can't betray Daniel for him, but she's afraid of what will happen if she messes with Wil. Ignacio says it's too late now - he's an American!
Daniel finds Duane guarding Wil's dressing room at the church and starts hinting around that, being a bodyguard, Duane must get a lot of action. Duane suspiciously asks Daniel if he's hitting on him. Daniel offers a blank check in exchange for dirt on Wil, but he's forgotten his checkbook. Wil comes out to see what's going on. Daniel bluffs and tells her that Duane's already told him everything. Wil blithely denies this and craftily says that even if Daniel did know something, he couldn't tell his father because... "there's no proof," Duane interrupts, spoiling Wil's plan to stretch out the gloating. Daniel decides to go to the wedding.
Later, Wil is ready for the wedding to begin. VB is missing; Wil doesn't seem very concerned. VB has been locked in some room off of a distant corridor. Har har har! (What a waste of a guest star and subplot!)
The music begins. Everyone turns to look at Wil as she makes her grand entrance and walks down the aisle alone (no father, no Victoria Beckham), to the altar where Bradford and Alexis are waiting. The priest begins the ceremony; Betty bursts through the door and objects. The priest says they haven't reached that part of the ceremony yet. Betty takes Daniel aside and tells him what she knows. She urges him to speak to his father before it's too late; he is very angry when he finds out that she's known for four months. He doesn't let her explain why she kept the secret. Instead, he fires her.
The happy couple are just starting to take their vows when Daniel interrupts. Bradford agrees to listen to him. Wil tries to finish the ceremony without him, but the priest doesn't allow it! Wil desperately commands Fido to "do something," so Fido gets up and introduces the daughter of Fey Sommers to the crowd. He tells Amanda to sing, with the added incentive that Quincy Jones is there. And thus it is here, now, in St. Patrick's Cathedral that Amanda (Tanen) Sommers makes her music debut... with the Milkshake song.
Daniel tells Bradford what he knows. Bradford is angry - with Daniel. Naturally, he wants proof of Wil's perfidy. Daniel says that Betty witnessed it personally. Brad doesn't believe him - after all, where's Betty? He's not going to bug out on the wedding based on some non-present assistant's word.
Daniel notes that Bradford is sweating. He thinks it's because deep down, Bradford knows he's making a mistake. Bradford says no, it's his blood pressure. He angrily goes back to the altar while Amanda finishes up her song. The crowd is enjoying it, and the organist has joined in. There is a smattering of applause for her before the wedding resumes.
As the priest begins the vows, Bradford looks into the crowd and sees Duane putting some serious moves on the woman sitting next to him. He rubs his chest nervously as his heart beats faster and louder. Wil turns to him as the priest is saying "for as long as you both shall live."
Brad crumples to the floor like a coat falling off its hanger. (He pitches forward, yet somehow lands flat on his back.) Enraged, Wil pounds his chest and orders him not to die. Alexis pulls her away, and Daniel begins CPR. The priest prays. Cameras flash like strobe lights at a rave.
Hilda, Ignacio, and Justin watch at home, and Betty watches in Times Square, as Daniel desperately works to keep his father alive.
Next week:
If you were fortunate enough to have missed the previews for next week, consider yourself lucky. They pretty much nullified any suspense that was created by this episode. I can't help wondering if ABC did this to be spiteful to the striking writers.
Whatever ABC's motive was, previews are supposed to tease, not spoil - so I'm not going to recap them here. If you really want to know, you should have no trouble finding the information someplace else.
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