Dec. 6, 2007 (2.10, aka #33): Frozen Offerings

Daniel and Alexis prepare to watch a video that Bradford left for them. They speculate whether their father knew he was sick. "I guess we'll never know," Daniel muses.

The video begins with Bradford saying, "Alexis, Daniel - I'm sick." He goes on, but soon interrupts his own speech to check whether the camera is on. He talks about how his successor will need to be someone with a killer instinct, etc.

Just as he is about to reveal who he's decided to let run Meade Publications after his death, Betty runs into frame and knocks the camera over. There's an extreeeeeme close-up of her brace-face as she rights the camera. Bradford resumes speaking. He says, "I choose my d-"

Then he stops again, deciding that the camera isn't on. He gets up and turns it off.

Daniel and Alexis argue over whether he meant "my daughter" or "my Daniel." The decide to call a truce until they can speak with their mother tomorrow. Daniel asks Betty to guard his father's chair. Alexis accuses them of stealing it. She sits in it, and they fight over it like children.

Henry comes by with paychecks for Christina and Betty. He hints around that he's got a huge surprise for their next date. Christina wants them to double-date with her and her long-lost, sickly husband Stewart for a movie premiere. Betty says no, because she and Henry are trying to spend as much alone-time together as possible.

Nick and Amanda bicker about paper clips. Amanda claims that she needs them more than he does. She indicates Halston, who is wearing a coat and leash made out of paperclip-chainmail. She makes fun of Nick's hair, and he reports the dog to Security, who take him away.

Meanwhile, at Slater, Wil's new employees are balking at the abuse and lack of paychecks. She assures them she'll have funding that same afternoon; but the investors turn her down, saying that she has an image problem. Fido promises to help with that.

The next day, Betty and Hilda recruit Gio, the sandwich guy, to transport Hilda's new shampoo sink to their house. As he brings the chair onto the Suarezes' enclosed porch, he grumps that he never hears from Betty unless she wants something. She hasn't even been to his deli to buy a sandwich lately. He tells Hilda she can cut his mom's hair as payment. Betty tells them that Henry will take care of the plumbing. Gio grumps about The Egg Salad's many talents. Betty explains that Gio calls Henry "Egg Salad" because he's boring. Betty and Hilda try to explain that Henry isn't boring at all, but their explanation doesn't impress him. He says that if he had four months left with someone, he'd... something about eating ice cream off of her stomach, and going to Montauk, and sleeping on the beach...

Well, I gotta tell you, I cannot do it justice, but I would love to take him up on it. It wouldn't have to be four months. I'd settle for four days. From the looks on their faces, Betty and Hilda feel the same way. The spell is broken when a song Gio likes comes up on the radio. He gets Betty to dance. He's giving her a dip just as Henry shows up.

Henry tries to hook up the sink, but he doesn't really know what he's doing, despite his lifelong acquaintance with a Time-Life book series on home maintenance. He's very, very annoyed that Gio knows more about it than he does, especially when he gets a faceful of water.

Later, Wil and Fido watch triumphantly as Fashion TV reports on all the wonderful, selfless deeds that Wil has perpetrated lately - like singing at a local hospital. The investors call immediately. Wil feigns modesty.

In a phone call from prison, Claire laughs at Bradford's technological ineptitude and informs Daniel and Alexis that last spring's jailbreak has given her some cred around the pen. The kids advise her to plead not guilty by reason of insanity. Then they argue over the phone. Claire tells them that if they don't stop it, she'll send her friend Hatchet, who's being released tomorrow, to go after them. She mentions something about their childhood treehouse, tells them to grow up and WORK IT OUT, and hangs up on them.

Daniel challenges Alexis to a winner-take-all paintball duel. She accepts.

Back at the Suarez house, Justin tries to give Henry a makeover of sorts, with pants and a shirt that are too small for him. Henry is relieved when Ignacio tells him that his clothes are almost dry. Then Hilda comes in with some news: she's asked Gio out to go dancing. Ignacio says (right in front of Henry) that it'd be nice to have someone around the house who's handy. He tries to backpedal, but the damage is done.

That night, Betty and Henry have a chance to go dancing with Hilda and Gio, but turn it down because of Henry's big surprise. What's the big surprise? Instead of just having ice cream like they usually do, they're going to make ice cream! He names his first creation "Bananas for Betty." Just when it seems like things are going to get romantic, he reveals the next big surprise, which is a depressing movie because he feels Betty hasn't seen enough German films yet.

Betty suggests that they climb a fire escape or hang out on a pier. He says it's going to rain, and he doesn't understand why she wouldn't rather sit on the couch and eat ice cream. Recalling Gio's amazing speech, she suggests an alternative way to eat ice cream.

Alexis and Daniel assemble their teams and put on their paintball gear. Amanda is on Daniel's team, and Nick is on Alexis's. Amanda promises that Nick will taste her dog's wrath. (If dog wrath tastes anything like a paintball, Nick's going to have a really awful night.)

But there's bad news: It's raining, and the paintball place is closed. Alexis doesn't care. They're gonna play in the office instead!

As Betty assembles a large ice cream sculpture on Henry's belly, Henry remarks that this might be one of those things that's better in theory. (I'm thinking maybe you just don't start off with so much ice cream.) As he begins complaining in earnest about the cold, Betty sticks her face in the ice cream, getting it all over her glasses. He reminds her that he's freezing, but Betty doesn't give up. She drizzles him with chocolate sauce. It's too hot for him, and when she tries to eat it, it's too hot for her!

Henry's displeased. Betty says she just wanted to try something different. They're not making the most of their time together. She wants to go dancing and have memories. "If that's what you really want, we'll go dancing." (He says it the way one might say "Okay, I'll reach into the drain and try to pull that gross clog out of the garbage disposal myself... but you'd better not flip that switch.")

As Wil and Fido head off to dinner, gloating, it begins to rain. Wil sends Fido up to get his umbrella. She takes a cab away from an older woman, saying "I'm Wilhelmina Slater - I don't get wet!" She slams the door on the woman's hand when she protests, knocks her down onto the sidewalk, and throws money at the woman as the cab drives away.

Some witnesses recognize the woman as Betty White and capture the entire incident on their video phones.

Hilda is having a great time on her date with Gio when Betty and Henry. Henry and Gio argue over who will pay for the next round of drinks; Henry bristles even more when Betty wants him to loosen up and let Gio teach him some dance moves. Henry is the only person who doesn't want to dance.

Daniel is talking strategy with his team when Team Alexis ambushes them. Only Daniel and Amanda are left alive (unpainted).

After dinner, Wil and Fido go to Wil's place and are surprised to meet a much larger group of paparazzi than usual. She tries to make a statement about her magazine, but they're here for something else: they want to know why she hates Betty White!

Wil and Fido watch the footage on Fashion TV. Fido is as horrified as everyone else. Wil says she didn't know it was Betty White. The video is all over the Internet; the phones start to ring. The lights flash as thunder and lightning rip through the night.

Betty White calls. Wil apologizes, saying "I just thought you were some old lady." Betty pours on the nice, thick as molasses, and tells Wil she forgives her. Wil asks her to forgive her on TV - to help the rest of the city heal.

At the dance club, Betty watches enviously as Hilda and Gio enjoy themselves dancing. As Henry finally gets up very reluctantly, his elbow crosses paths with a flaming drink. He's now been burnt twice in one day. He grabs a drink off of the nearest table to put out the fire, and now he's also been wet twice in one day. He yells at the drink's owner for being annoyed. He tells Betty that if she wants to dance so much, she should dance with Gio, because he's never going to be "that guy." And he storms out.

Back at the paintball tourney, it's down to Daniel & Amanda vs. Alexis & Nick. Amanda has no trouble finding and shooting Nick. The first hit is for Halston. The second was for not holding the elevator, the third for not making coffee, etc.... Nick complains that the paintballs hurt, and besides, he's dead. "I will tell you when you are dead!" Amanda replies. Suddenly, they recognize one another's hotness. Alexis shoots Amanda. Amanda doesn't care. She climbs Nick like a tree, and they proceed to enjoy the kind of evening Betty and Henry should have tried to have in the first place (though I am guessing at this point that the paint would have given Henry a rash or something).

Betty calls Henry from the club. Then she turns and is surprised to see that he's still there - and he's in a good mood - and he's taken off his burnt sweater, so he's just in an undershirt. And he's somehow been transformed into a dancing machine, with moves and everything. Betty's heart melts. The crowd cheers.

They make up, and Betty agrees that she's happy to have 17 more weeks eating ice cream on the couch with him. (I'm just remembering how, last year, he complained that Charlie never wanted to go anywhere.) Gio and Hilda come over and congratulate him on his excellent dancing. They invite them to party some more, but Henry and Betty decide to go home. Gio looks pensive as he watches them leave.

At last, Daniel and Alexis are face to face. Alexis tries to roll a fancy move over a desk, but falls and maybe breaks something. She tells Daniel to shoot her, but he can't do it. He proposes that they run Meade Publications together. She agrees. He helps her up, and they hug. There's an angelic look on her face as she reaches for his gun and shoots him in the leg.

Betty and Henry dance alone at Henry's place. She says that next week, she'll make the ice cream - Hazel-Nuts-for-Henry.

Gio and Hilda get back from their date. He asks if they can go out again sometime. She turns him down. She had a good time, but she noticed that his manner changed when Betty showed up. He upped his game. She thinks maybe she's not the Suarez sister he likes.

Gio is speechless.

And I thought this would be a great way to end the episode, but it turns out we still have ten more minutes.

Epilogue

Wil is thanking Betty White profusely at her hospital bed as some makeup people prepare White for her televised forgiveness speech. She modestly quotes Gandhi, "Be the change you want to see in the world." She sends the makeup people away, and the Fashion TV reporter, Suzuki St. Pierre, begins the broadcast.

Wil leans across the bed to speak into his microphone. She puts down her hand to support herself - and ends up squashing White's other hand.

Betty White yelps and tells St. Pierre, "Ooh, it hurts. Now she's going after my other hand!" She begs them to get "the monster" away from her.

Wil yells "cut!" and demands an explanation. White says that she's been invited onto Regis, and The View, and everything. She says the feud is huge, and she's gonna "milk it till it's dry." She gambled all her Golden Girls earnings away long ago, and she needs the publicity.

She signals for the cameras to roll again. This time she cringes and tells St. Pierre that Wil has a knife.

At work on Monday, Betty finds paint all over her graduation bunny. She and Daniel deliver the big chair to the elevator, and Betty tries to convince Daniel that you don't need a killer instinct to be successful. Daniel points out that her example, Martin Luther King, never ran a fashion magazine.

Henry catches Betty's attention and dances across the hallway.

Fido nervously tells Wil that their employees have mutineed. Wil says that's fine, because Slater's dead. But it's okay. She's moving on to Plan B, which is in a jar in her freezer. Apparently, if you collect sperm from a corpse within 48 hours of death, it's still viable. (Disclaimer: I don't know if this really works.) They don't explain how you actually get the sperm, but that's what Wil asked the doctor to do at the end of the last episode. Wil's going to produce an heir.

I still think the Gio-and-Hilda scene would have been a much better way to end.

---

Next week:

I didn't see a preview. That might mean that there's no episode next week.

2/15/07: Great moments in Office episodes

• Michael: May your hats fly as high as your dreams.
  
  
• Angela: Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop!
  
  
• Dwight: Jim, you're the #2 in this office.
  
  
• Jim: The bat. I mean, I know I felt it bite me, but look, there's no mark. I feel so tingly. So strangely powerful.
  
  
• Michael (ripping expensive textbook): You cannot learn from books... I know these are expensive, but the lesson is priceless. Good. I think you're inspired.
  
  
• Michael: There are four kinds of business: tourism, food service, railroads, and sales. And hospitals/manufacturing. And air travel.
  
  
• Toby: It's important to support local art, and what they [his kids classmates] do is not art.
  
  
• Dwight: Do you have the tools to turn a wooden mop handle into a stake?
  Creed: What size?
  
  
• Michael: Ryan has never made a sale. And he started a fire trying to make a cheesy pita. And everyone thinks he's a tease.
  
  
• Michael: Business is always personal.
  
  
• Jim: There's just so much sun in here.
  
  
• Roy: Your art was the prettiest art of all the art.
  
  
• Gil: This is motel art.
  
  
• Michael: That is our building. And we sell paper. I am really proud of you... Without paper, it could not have happened. Unless you had a camera.

1/4/07: Great moments in Office episodes

Jim: Let the record show that Dwight K. Shrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck.

Karen: He said it would be like living together. In different houses. Two blocks away.

Michael: In the Islands, they don't make you do stuff like take inventory.

Michael: That's a German woman named Urkel... Grue.

Andy: Boring. Call me if she rolls over.

Pam: I didn't mind helping Jim with his problem. That's what friends do. I help Phyllis all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair.

Dwight: So you're PMS'ing pretty bad, huh?

Jan: I need to follow my instincts. That's what Dr. Perry thinks.

Michael: And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well.

Nov. 22, 2007 (2.9, aka #32): Fathers, past and present

Betty is having a late-night snack. She opens the refrigerator for some milk and finds Bradford's head on a platter. She slams the door, waits, and looks inside again; he's gone. Betty breathes a sigh of relief... and finds Bradford standing behind her.

He explains that he's not a ghost; he's a manifestation of her guilt. He helps himself to an empanada and tries to get her to take her old job back.

The funeral is the next day. Daniel is miffed to discover that no one told him they have a family plot at the cemetery. Claire arrives in an orange jumpsuit and shackles.

Daniel gives a short speech about the daunting task of filling his father's shoes. He vows to continue his father's legacy. There's an awkward pause after he finishes - no one else comes forward to speak. Finally Betty gets up. She hints that Bradford wasn't great with the employees, but she says he did love his family.

Wil arrives unfashionably late and gloats in front of the mourners. Claire kicks her into Bradford's grave (the casket hasn't been lowered yet) and fires her.

Wil and Fido go back to the office. Wil opens a super-secret compartment to reveal a CD-ROM entitled "Medusa X." She loads the CD, which wipes out the entire computer network. Over in Accounting, Henry watches in shock as the Medusa X logo fills his screen and the lights go out.

Betty and her family are decorating the tree. Hilda tries to get Betty to take her old job back. Betty resists and adds that she doesn't think anything can go wrong. Hilda makes a pitch for getting a pink Christmas tree. Justin adds that pink is the new green. They want white lights and tinsel, too. Betty hates the idea - the green tree is a tradition.

Henry calls and tells Betty that the January issue is gone, and the Book is missing. Alexis and Daniel arrive a while later and Henry tells them the computers are all toast. The Meades immediately suspect Wil. They ask Henry to call in the staff, but Betty has already taken care of it. She tells Daniel she's just here for tonight.

At home, Hilda accidentally knocks the tree over. The lights begin to short out, and the tree catches fire. They call Betty to give her the news - like this couldn't wait till she got home? The important thing is that they saved their mother's angel tree-topper.

Daniel holds a meeting to figure out what they need. The cover's gone, and - but they are interrupted by Wil, who has turned into a human gloating machine. At least, I assume she's still human. She announces her new magazine and offers a 15% raise, plus good benefits and cosmetic surgery to any Mode staffer who joins her. She also tells Alexis that her father considered her a circus freak.

Many of the employees follow Wil out. Amanda stays (because Mode was Fey's life's work), and Sheila (Wil's obsequious ex-future creative director) inexplicably stays.

Daniel sulks. The not-ghost of Bradford appears on TV and tells Betty that Daniel needs one of her pep talks. She reminds Daniel that he had promised to fill his father's shoes, and he's still got enough staff left to get the job done. (Most of the remainder are administrative staff.)

Daniel goes back to the meeting and starts handing out assignments. He tells Betty to write a book review. Henry will be the new food editor. They need an extension on their press deadline, so Alexis goes off to the printer to try to seduce him. Daniel has Amanda write things on a whiteboard for a while, until she insists that she can do Fey's old feature "What's Hot."

There's another problem - they've lost their cover. Their advertisers had signed off on a cover featuring someone named Cameron (Eliza Dushku), but the photographer is in the middle of a 16-hour flight and can't get them the negatives. Cameron herself is in rehab. Daniel decides that they have no choice but to sneak her out. He pays a security guard $2000 to get into the facility. Betty is mortified that she's helping.

Cameron is meditating in her room. She tells them she's doing well with her rehab and has found God. She doesn't want to leave to redo the shoot. Betty manipulates her, guilting Cameron for her bad behavior at the original shoot. She should make amends as part of her recovery.

Alexis arrives at the printing company. The man she was planning to seduce is no longer with the company, and the new guy, Harvey, is a very little person. He doesn't want to cooperate with this gigantic woman, so she traps him in the room and taunts him by holding the key out of his reach.

Meanwhile, at Slater, Wil serves champagne and cheese (limit two pieces per person) to her new staff. Within seconds, she fires someone. Fido takes her aside and asks how she expects to finance the magazine. Wil says her father will give it to her.

Once Cameron is out of rehab and back at Mode to shoot a new cover, she locks herself in the dressing room and demands booze and drugs. Daniel tells Betty he's going to get her a drink. That's what his father would have done. Betty is disappointed.

At the front desk, Amanda struggles to come up with an idea for "What's Hot." She recalls that Fey used to say that her work was all inspiration and no perspiration. Before Amanda can work up a good sweat, the pizza man arrives, and inspiration strikes. She asks him for his clothes.

As the night grows long, Alexis and Harvey bond over their common experience of being a disappointment to their fathers. Harvey reminds Alexis that now that her father is dead, she's free. He finally takes pity on her and agrees to move back the deadline.

Cameron comes out of her dressing room and proceeds to demolish the set. So much for her rehab.

Amanda reveals her creation for What's Hot: It's a woman in a dress made out of the pizza guy's red-and-white striped uniform. Sheila tells Amanda to go back to the phones: she's no Fey.

Daniel is upset about the cover. They didn't get the pictures they needed. He tells Betty that he didn't give Cameron the drink after all. Betty tells Daniel to do what Daniel would do, rather than what Bradford would do. With Bradford gone, he can start with a blank slate.

This gives Daniel an idea. The January cover won't have a photo. It'll just be blank, with a fold-out dedication to his father. The advertisers love the idea and sign off on it. Daniel decides to make it issue #001 instead of #412.

Betty is glad she inspired the new cover, but she still doesn't want to come back to work there. Her mother wouldn't approve of the way it was changing her. Daniel reminds her that we all change as we grow; and no matter where she ends up, she's going to have to make difficult decisions. Her mother would be proud of her for facing the challenges.

Wil meets with the Senator and asks him for a loan that she'll pay back generously in six months. She offers him some more incentives. He says he misses Wanda. He's not sure "Wilhelmina" is prettier than his original daughter. He's shocked that she's wheeling and dealing just 12 hours after burying her fiance. He declines to give Wil the loan.

Amanda sulks in the dungeon with a pile of shoes in her lap; she tells Christina she wants to drown her sorrows in fine leather. Christina assures her that, despite Fey's claims, inspiration didn't come so easily, and there was plenty of perspiration. Christina suggests that perhaps Amanda has inherited some skills from her father and she shouldn't stop looking for him.

Brad's not-ghost tells Betty he likes the new cover. Betty decides that she doesn't feel guilty any more, so she doesn't need him. She sends him to the beach. He walks down Mode's long Habitrail hallway into a bright light.

Hilda, Justin, and Ignacio are surprised to find a pink tree with white lights in their living room. Betty tells them they can afford another tree because she's taken her old job back. They can have a new tradition - anyway, they still have their mother's old angel tree-topper.

Hilda and Justin admit that the new tree is ugly.

---

Next time:

I don't know! There wasn't a preview!

As for the rest of the season - the latest I've heard is that there are four episodes left, which should carry us through the end of the year.

10/5/06: Great moments in Office episodes

Angela: Jan is peeved off.

Kelly: Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!

Dwight: There's a new Ann Taylor store near here. I know you like their earrings.

Andy: I'm gonna kill you for real. This game is over. I am going to shoot you.

Michael: What's his name?
Dwight: Crentist.
Michael: Your dentist's name is Crentist?
Dwight: Maybe that's why he became a dentist.

Michael: There is no way of knowing what goes on inside the tiger's head. We don't have the technology.

Michael: Dwight, would you like to say a few words to everyone about loyalty?

Dwight: You can be in charge of the women.

Michael: "Hug it out, bitch." That's what men say to each other after a fight. Not a good thing to say to a woman, though, I have found.

Nov. 15, 2007 (2.8, aka #31): A Wil, a will, and no way out for Claire

After watching Bradford's collapse on the big screen in Times Square, Betty rushes to the hospital to offer her support. Alexis hurriedly tells her that Bradford had a massive heart attack and is still unconscious. Next, Betty is momentarily happy to hear Daniel's warm greeting, but then she realizes that he's addressing someone else. Christina tries to cheer Betty up, but Betty realizes she's fired for real.

Betty goes into the office to pack her things and bonds with L'Amanda - the weekend receptionist/security lady, who assures Betty that she's better than Amanda. She tells Betty how hot she thinks Henry is. Or "Sugarstick," as she prefers to call him.

While clearing off her desk, Betty runs into a shadow of herself from the past - Ugly Betty in her Guadalajara poncho on the day she came to work at Mode. They have a long talk, and Betty Past is shocked by the kinds of things Betty Present has been up to. In Betty Past's opinion, if it's so difficult to be a decent person at Meade Publications, then it's just as well that she's leaving.

Christina shows up to help with the packing, and Betty Past disappears. Betty Present quizzes Christina: has Betty changed since she started working there? Christina thinks Mode "does something" to people.

Amanda and Fido wait at the hospital for news of Bradford. They eat popcorn and enjoy the show as Daniel orders Wil out of the ICU and slams the door in her face. Embarrassed, she tells the crowd of shocked onlookers that Daniel's just mad because she caught him eyeing the morphine.

Suzuki St. Pierre, the regular Fashion TV reporter (as opposed to the different ones they had every week last year), wonders what has become of Bradford's designer wedding suit. Ignacio wants to check a football score, but Justin doesn't want to change the channel - anyway, he figures they probably canceled the football game on account of the Meade tragedy.

Betty comes home with her things. Ignacio offers to call Daniel and explain why Betty betrayed him. Hilda's practical suggestion is for Betty to go to the gym, get skinny, and then Daniel will beg her to come back. Betty isn't so sure she wants the job back. She's not proud of the way she's been acting.

She goes up to her room, where Claire has been hiding in an armoire and Yoga is in the bed. Claire tells Betty she's leaving the country tonight. (Yoga complains about the accommodations while shaking Betty's piggybank.) First, however, Claire wants to know if Bradford has changed his will yet. She wants to make sure his stuff will go to their children, and not to Wil. The will is kept in his office, and Betty is her only hope to go check it out. Betty balks, but Claire convinces her that she'd be helping Daniel. Betty feels that she owes Daniel that much. She goes back to the office, but L'Amanda kicks her out aggressively, now that she's been officially notified of Betty's firing. Half-relieved, Betty leaves with her tail between her legs.

In a limo with Fido, Wil complains about the inconvenience of Bradford's heart attack. She says she knows he's changed his will, but she's not sure what he's changed it to. She fears he may have bequeathed everything to charity, or some other unworthy not-Wil cause. (I think he changed his will when he was angry with Alexis and/or Daniel last year, but I'll need to check the older recaps when I have more time.)

At the hospital, Amanda catches Daniel pummeling a vending machine. She gives it a smart rap, and the snack drops. He's too depressed to take it. (Amanda retrieves it for him.) Daniel regrets that he hasn't told his father that he loves him. Amanda tries to cheer him up and reminds him that there's still time.

At the Suarez home, Ignacio hears a noise and comes up to investigate. He spots Yoga first, who is standing in plain sight. She claims to be from the cable company. She and Claire bicker over whether that was a completely stupid thing to say.

Between scenes, Claire describes Betty's errand. Ignacio disapproves, especially in light of the way Daniel treated his daughter. He is about to explain the firing to Claire when Hilda comes up. He tells the two fugitives to hide and stretches out on the bed. His lame excuse to Hilda is wasted, because Hilda spots Yoga right away. (Betty's graduation bunny wasn't quite big enough to conceal her.) Yoga tells Hilda she's the exterminator.

Again between scenes, Claire fills Ignacio and Hilda in on her and Yoga's plan to go to Italy and start a new life. They show off their fake passports. Hilda doesn't think Claire's is going to work, since everyone already knows who she is and what she looks like. Hilda offers her a makeover so that Claire can look more like the Italian name on her passport.

Not surprisingly, the makeover also takes place between scenes. Ignacio thinks the new Claire looks like Chita Rivera.

Henry shows up at Mode, denies being Betty's boyfriend, and flirts mercilessly with L'Amanda. Betty crawls in on all fours behind L'Amanda's back. They meet up a little bit later, and Betty complains that he carried out his role with too much enthusiasm. Henry teases her, but now she's upset that she's becoming bossy in addition to being a liar and thief. Henry says she's always been bossy. This cheers her up a bit, and they smooch in the hallway. That's when the elevator opens to reveal Wil and Fido.

The two parties tell one another that they're there to find a "memento" of their beloved dying friend. (Wil refers to him as her husband, but Sugarstick reminds her that he's only her fiance.) They all pretend to look for a trinket for a few moments, but Wil tires quickly of this and says they all want to find the will. Betty tries to play dumb, but Wil says they should just find it, read it together, and shake hands. She's tired of the drama.

In an effort to be more convincing, Wil struggles to arrange her features into a tired look. The result convinces Betty. To Wil and Fido's surprise, Betty moves a small painting and begins opening the wall safe hidden behind it. She shows them the combination written on her hand. (It's faint and blurry, but it looks like it might be 2-31-20.)

She finishes the combination, and she and Wil shake hands as agreed. (Wil refers to her "late husband," but Sugarstick reminds her that he's not dead yet and they're not married.) Betty opens the safe and looks inside; it's empty. Wil complains that Bradford "was always so paranoid" and that everything "was such a secret." The word "secret" jogs both Fido's and Betty's memories - the secret room!

Fido easily gets Betty out of the way by bumping her glasses out of her hand. Then he easily knocks Henry backwards over Betty. He and Wil run out, and Fido uses a remote control to lock Betty and Henry in Bradford's office.

Henry is annoyed that "everyone" knows about the secret sex room except him. He says it's "like freshman year all over again." Betty ignores his complaints; she is trying to get L'Amanda on the phone. L'Amanda is listening to headphones with her eyes shut, and can't hear or see the phone at all.

Henry looks at the vent in the ceiling and thinks they should try crawling their way to freedom. Amazingly, the very clean and spacious ducts lead them right to the lobby. Henry falls through that vent and into the circle of the reception desk, where L'Amanda is delighted to see him!

While Betty waits in the ceiling, Henry tries to fend L'Amanda off. He warns that the two of them are like water and magnesium. L'Amanda can't wait to learn more. She grabs him into a passionate embrace and begins kissing him. Betty drops from the ceiling and scurries out. Henry pulls free of L'Amanda and says he can't be with her - he'll break her heart. He's a dog. L'Amanda says she loves dogs!

Wil checks out the stuff in the Dungeon and wonders why Bradford never invited her in there. (She swings a whip experimentally, and somewhere a lion roars.) Fido finds a will that says Wil will "share" all of his stuff "on pronouncement" of their marriage. Wil is determined to make that happen.

Daniel goes up to his father's room, where Alexis is telling him that he doesn't have to fight. She loves him, and if he's ready, he can go. Daniel does not like this, and tells him not to go into the light. Their bickering wakes Bradford up. Daniel gathers his courage and tries to tell Bradford that he loves him, but chickens out and just tells his father he'll be okay. Then he takes off.

"I love you too, son," Bradford mutters to the empty doorway.

Betty calls Claire from the dungeon with the will in hand and says Daniel and Alexis will be okay. (It's not at all clear which version of the will she's looking at.)

Claire thanks Hilda and Ignacio for their and Betty's help. Just as she and Yoga are leaving, Justin comes down to ask permission to eat his dinner in front of the TV. He thinks the made-over Claire looks familiar, but he can't place her. Hilda simply says she's a friend of the family. Justin shrugs this off, being far more interested in watching TV.

The mention of the Meade wedding coverage, and the generally warm family atmosphere, cause Claire to lose her nerve. She wants to go to the hospital. Yoga is sure Claire will get caught. Claire says she won't, but also tells Yoga to go without her if she's not back by 8. They share a complicated hug, and Claire goes out on her mission.

Betty begins writing a poison pen letter to Fido. This strongly-worded missive criticizes his odor, hair, and shoes, and ends with "So in conclusion, you are a weenie." (Henry questions whether Betty is really taking a writing class.) She puts it on Fido's keyboard, which wakes up his monitor, which displays a website that ordains people as ministers.

(Such sites exist. I've been "ordained" myself. The ordination isn't legal until it's verified by a live person, i.e. some agent of the church in question, which can take a while... I don't know if these laws will apply here, or be ignored for plot convenience!)

Betty and Sugarstick realize what is happening, and take off for the hospital.

A doctor tells Daniel and Alexis that if their father's condition continues to improve overnight, he'll be strong enough for surgery. They're relieved. Ignacio arrives and pulls them aside to meet with their mother and say goodbye. Alexis begs Claire to stay, but Claire doesn't want to stay in hiding. She explains that Betty and her family made this meeting possible, and she begins to tell Daniel why Betty didn't tell him about Wil's affair.

Wil and Fido appear elsewhere on that floor. Fido tries to conduct the wedding, but Bradford says he heard she slept with her bodyguard. She blows this off, tells him to say "I do," and promises to fetch him a pudding afterwards. He tells her to look him in the eye and say she didn't sleep with Duane. She does so easily, but he scoffs and says she never loved him. He tells her to leave and asks to see his family.

Betty sees them leaving and rushes in to see Bradford. He admits that he was a fool, and that Wil never loved him. The only person who ever loved him was Claire. He recoils slightly when he realizes that he is unbosoming himself to Betty. Betty calls Claire, who tells her kids it'd be worth it to go to jail just to see him again. She pulls off her wig (damn! it's a wig!) and steps into the hallway, where she is recognized instantly.

Brad apologizes when he sees her, and begins coughing. She tells him she knew on the day they got married that he'd break her heart, but she'd still do it all over again. He tells her he's never loved anyone more than her. She thanks him for giving him "the greatest life."

Daniel finds Betty in the waiting room. Henry excuses himself. Betty and Daniel sort things out, and he asks her to come back to work. She sees Betty Past watching from door of Bradford's room. She tells Daniel how much she appreciates the opportunities he's given over the past year, but she fears that she has changed too much, and doesn't want to be the person she's becoming. Daniel is disappointed, but he hugs her and says it's her life and she has to do what she has to do.

Betty Past gives Betty Present a thumbs-up. She turns to enter Bradford's room and smashes into the glass door, just like on her first day at Mode. She recovers and enters Bradford's room, while Betty Present manages to tip an entire sofa over. Alexis helps her up, then hurries to join Daniel, who is following his handcuffed mother, who is being dragged out by the police. Daniel asks Betty to stay with their father.

Betty goes to Bradford's room and sits down nervously. Bradford looks at her hazily and asks if she's Claire. Betty tells him she "left." He summons Betty to his bedside and asks her to take care of Daniel. Betty insists that Bradford will be fine. He tells her she's been the only person to keep Daniel from going off the rails; "he'd be lost without you."

Bradford coughs again and asks Betty to get him some water. When she comes back a few seconds later, his heart stops.

An alarm sounds; doctors and nurses rush in; and for the second time that day, Betty watches in shock as someone fights to save Bradford Meade's life.

Hilda and Justin watch the report of his death on the news (real news, not Fashion TV) at home. Yoga watches too, from near the front door. The reporter also mentions Claire's arrest and reminds us that she escaped from prison six months ago; she also says that Claire told them that Yoga (whose real name is evidently Amelia Bluman) was killed during the escape.

Justin and Hilda hear the door. By the time they reach it, Yoga is gone.

(U2 montage: The Suarezes' half-open door; Claire in the back of a police car; Betty putting her hand on Daniel's shoulder.)

But wait! There's more!

Ancient fluorescent tubes grudgingly buzz to life as a young man in a white coat pushes a covered stretcher into the morgue. Wil has been waiting for him. She inquires whether the corpse is Bradford Meade. As the lad gapes nervously, Wil offers to pay off his med school loans in exchange for a favor.

---

Next week:

Wilhelmina "grieves" in her own special way.

I believe there are only two new episodes left until the writers' strike ends. Meanwhile, if you're at all interested in the TV genre that brought us Ugly Betty, and have any interest in learning Spanish, let me put in another plug for telenovelas on Univision and Telemundo. As a bonus, if you watch the prime-time telenovelas on Univision, you can follow along at this website with recaps in English.

11/15/07: Great moments in Office episodes

• He doesn't get that many calls, so he has me make them up every ten minutes. (Pam)
  
  
• Just so that we wouldn't leave anything up to chance. Or Michael's judgment. (Jan)
  
  
• One of our biggest clients is a ping-pong master. I have to play him tomorrow, or we lose the account. (Jim)
  
  
• I have a life-size poster of Hugo Hoyama on my wall. (Dwight)
  
  
• Let's make ten copies of this diary. (Jan's lawyer)

The Quotable Wisdom of Michael Scott

• The company fired her for having the courage to augment her boobs.
  
  
• "Pattern"... my friend PAT took a TURN. That's how I remember that.
  
  
• Are you renewing your divorce vows before my deposition?
  
  
• Delivery's all wrong. She's butchering it.
  
  
• To be delicate, they hang off milady's chest. They make milk.
  
  
• Her actions are completely rightful.
  
  
• Line?

Nov. 8, 2007 (2.7, aka #30): Listen to your heart... literally

The wedding's not till Saturday, but Justin wants to skip school to watch the "Bradhelmina" pre-wedding coverage on TV. Ignacio shrugs this off and goes upstairs to wake Betty for breakfast. She is huddled under the covers, but promises to be up soon.

When Ignacio leaves Betty's room, Hilda gets out from under the covers and sneaks out the window to her own room - just in time to say hello to Ignacio when he comes for her. Ignacio is struck by an idea - he'll make Canadian bacon. That'll cheer Betty up! Hilda rushes to the window and into the bed... Ignacio steps in a moment later... just as he is tempting the lump under the covers with the promise of a yummy breakfast, Betty climbs through the window too. (Evidently, this has been going on for at least a few days, if not weeks.)

A while later, she and Hilda come down for breakfast. Ignacio lectures her on the foolishness of dating a guy who got someone else pregnant and will be moving across the country in a few months. Betty tries to explain her feelings, but Ignacio belittles her and says she sounds like a silly 13-year-old girl. Hilda tries to intercede, but Ignacio's mad at her too for hiding this from him. Ignacio forbids Betty from seeing Henry any more. (All this while, he's serving her favorite breakfast and she's eating it.)

The argument escalates, and Ignacio basically tells her that it's his house and his rules. She agrees, and says she'll move out. She goes upstairs to pack. Hilda tries to talk her out of it, but Betty is still offended that he called her silly. She's the one who's been holding the family together ever since their mother died (she very considerately does not also mention how much she did for them when Ignacio was stuck in Mexico and Hilda was hiding in her room). Betty thinks this might be her only chance at love, and she's entitled to do something a little crazy just this once.

As Betty lugs her suitcase down the stairs, Hilda reminds her that their father's citizenship ceremony is on Saturday. "Yeah, thanks to me," Betty retorts. This is news to Hilda; Betty tells her about the deal she made with Wil to secure their father's citizenship.

Fido is on the phone in Wil's office, berating the shoe people for sending them in the wrong shade of white. Cliff comes up to say hi; despite the short visit they almost have a fight about Cliff's taste in clothes. Then Fido catches himself and says it's okay, and he accepts Cliff for the Messy Bessy that he is. (Cliff says he prefers "Sloppy Sally.")

Daniel walks into the conference room to find Alexis and Bradford toasting with Bloody Marys because of the advertising revenue that Alexis has pulled in. Daniel puts in a word for himself and the jewelry store account he brought in last week; Bradford looks, and it's a 1/8th page ad for March. Alexis tries to be encouraging, but Brad blows it off and goes back to praising Alexis. He asks Alexis to be his best man at the wedding. When Daniel complains, Bradford suggests they split the job. Alexis offers it back to Daniel. Daniel bitterly says that Alexis is welcome to it. "You really shouldn't disappoint Dad," he warns. "It might kill him, and you wouldn't want that, would you Alexis?"

Wil watches the pre-wedding coverage and is envious of all the attention Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham (henceforth "VB") is getting. VB tells a Fashion TV reporter that she and Wil go way back - "She's practically my second mum." Fido tries to explain this off as a British expression about flowers, but when VB's next comment is a shameless promotion of her own product, a sports drink called Beckham 24/7, her mood worsens. She's already annoyed that Mode has gotten most of its financing back. Fido encourages her, pointing out that she'll soon be running Meade Publications and will have enough power to sink the fashion magazine.

Amanda is annoyed not to have been mentioned in any of the press writeups about the wedding. After all, she is the daughter of Fey Sommers! "I've got class comin' out the pooper," she brags. She asks Fido to come up with some new way to leverage her pseudo-fame. Fido promises to do so, just as soon as he gets his "oldest" married off.

Next, Amanda greets someone at the desk. She can't understand his accent, but she does recognize it - she sends the guy down to the Closet, where Christina is listening to Betty rant and rave about her father and asking to crash on Christina's couch for a few nights.

When Christina sees the man passing in the hallway, she grabs Betty and flees to the Dungeon. The man comes into the Closet to investigate; Christina asks Betty to keep her voice down so he doesn't hear them. "Who?" Betty asks. "My husband! The one I ran away from in Scotland!" (Well, damn. I was hoping he'd be played by Ewan MacGregor.) Betty is miffed to hear that Christina used to have a husband and never told her about him.

Christina hasn't seen this man since she left him five years ago. She went out one day for dog food, and didn't come back. (Betty is almost as upset to discover that Christina used to have a dog and never told her about that.) Christina wonders if he came looking for her because he lost his TV remote control.

Betty convinces Christina to come out of the Dungeon and face her husband. Meanwhile, Betty lugs the suitcase up to her desk. Daniel asks about it. Betty tells him about the fight with her father, and acknowledges that Daniel doesn't approve either. Instead of lecturing her, Daniel starts complaining about his own father. They are both complaining at the same time, neither listening to the other - Daniel about the wedding he opposes, and Betty about the citizenship ceremony she feels so dirty about. "You know what? I'm not going!" they both blurt at the same time. They thank each other for "listening."

Henry comes by and tells Betty that Hilda called and told him about the fight. He asks her to stay at his place.

Meanwhile, Stuart is filling Christina in on the events of the last several years. Biscuit, their dog, died three years ago. Stuart has come by to apologize for the way he treated her. He's been trying to get his life together, and part of that process is making amends. She apologizes for running out on him, too, but says that her elaborate two-year scheme to get away from him seemed easier than speaking to him. He asks if they can be friends.

Vera Wang comes by for the dress fitting. Wil is just about to complain about the train, when VB makes a grand entrance in an even better bridesmaid's dress, upstaging Wil. "I have a new muse," Wang announces as she and everyone else ignores Wil and flocks around VB. Wil finally gets Fido's attention, but he confesses that VB and her dress made him feel tingly in a way no other girl ever has. Wil throws Wang out and and orders a baggy, smocklike dress for VB, as well as flat-soled shoes.

Night: Betty is a little weirded out as she enters Henry's apartment for the first time as a roommate and not a guest. It's even weirder for her when he gives her a key and an empty drawer and a drinking glass. He points out that they no longer have to hide; they can see each other openly and make plans. They almost argue about where they'll put the Christmas tree, but agree to on changing the subject.

Betty says that Hall and Oates are coming to town in April. She doesn't understand the unhappy look on Henry's face until he reminds her that he's leaving in April. She apologizes, chalks it up to a brain fart (not in so many words), and hides in a closet.

Next morning: It's Saturday - the wedding day. Wil wakes up looking unusually happy - her bodyguard Duane is in bed with her. While he takes a shower, she orders breakfast and watches more wedding coverage on Fashion TV, which seems to have turned into a 24-hour Victoria Beckham Show. For her latest exploit, she's modified the baggy smock dress into something pouffy and cute. Wil seethes.

At the Suarez house, Ignacio prepares for his ceremony. He complains that Betty hasn't even called, after all he's done for her. Hilda hints that Betty has done a lot more for him than he thinks.

Evidently Christina's answer to Stuart's request to be "friends" again was yes, because they wake up on red satin sheets in the Dungeon, both happy. She congratulates him on not passing out midway through the deed. They talk about what a great guy he is when he's not drunk and lost. He goes to the bathroom, and Christina picks up his shirt to smell it. Underneath the shirt is a bag, and through its unzipped opening she sees a needle.

She confronts him about drug abuse, but he explains that the needle is medication for his alcohol-induced cirrhosis (or some other unspecified liver disease). It won't cure him. His only hope is a $100,000 experimental treatment, which he can't afford. She'll inherit his fortune in six months, which consists of his mother's spoon collection. Christina asks him to stay in NY - she'll find some way to raise the money. (Does anyone else have a bad feeling about this?)

Betty is awakened by a phone call from her father. She rejects the call and snuggles with Henry. She wants to have breakfast at a place she's seen that has cute baby ducks on the awning. Henry tells her that place serves cute baby ducks... her jaw drops in horror, just for a split second. He laughs at her gullibility. She has another plan - to go to the New York Transit Museum, because he likes the subway so much. He loves the idea, but then gets serious - he thinks she should go to her father's ceremony. She wants to do something for "us" instead.

A knock at the door provides Wil a welcome break from watching the pre-wedding coverage - a ticker-tape parade for VB. She is not so happy to see that it's Daniel and not room service. He wants to see his father. Wil demurely says he's staying on a different floor. Daniel doesn't seem to care much. He hands her a jewelry box and tells her to tell Brad he won't be at the wedding. Wil makes a sarcastic remark, but it doesn't drown out the sound of a flushing toilet. She tells him it's VB - "Posh - Spice Girl can't handle spicy foods, go figure." She shuts the door on him.

A few minutes later, Daniel watches from behind a corner as Duane leaves the room and says goodbye to Wil.

Henry and Betty go to the office so she can pick up their museum passes. There, they find Daniel skulking in Wil's office. While Betty confers with Daniel, Henry waits at Betty's desk. He accidentally nudges her keyboard, which wakes up her computer monitor. The screen saver begins its slideshow of Suarez family photos.

Daniel tells Betty about Wil and the bodyguard. Betty doesn't let on that she's ever known anything. She tries to get him to speak to his father on his own, but he won't do it without proof. He's going to the wedding and see if he can get something out of the bodyguard. Betty scoffs at what a dummy that guy is - the other day he said something was a "mute" point. (I wish I had a nickel for every time I've heard someone say this!) Offended, Daniel says that he, not Duane, said that. "Oh... well, he's dumb too," Betty amends. She decides to quit while she's ahead.

The wedding: Despite the fact that it's mid-November, people are dressed like it's August. Amanda is introducing herself to the guests as Amanda Sommers. Fido frets about Cliff; today's the day he's going to out himself as Cliff's boyfriend, and the guy hasn't shown up yet, and who knows what he'll be wearing. They don't have to wait very long.

It was at this moment that I turned on the TV, not knowing that they'd been talking about Cliff. All I knew was that there was a portly but handsome man who seemed slightly familiar. "Who is that?"

Cliff arrives in a new, properly fitted suit and tamed hair. I liked him the way he was, but damn, he cleans up nice! Even Amanda is impressed. Fido is over the moon. "Who knew there were hardwood floors under that shag rug?" He strolls through the crowd towards Cliff, telling everyone "that's my boyfriend!" and muttering "hardwood floors!" as he passes. Cliff tells Fido he didn't want to be a jerk about meeting Fido's other friends; but the shoes and the collar are uncomfortable. "Beauty is pain," Fido answers, "and you are hurtin' me bad." Cliff rolls his eyes happily, but later, Fido complains to Amanda that Cliff's been talking to some waiter an awfully long time.

Fido cuts in and pulls Cliff away from Tony. Cliff explains that Tony's a model he's worked with before - and he's straight. Fido is so jealous and so threatened by Cliff's newfound hotness, he dumps him! Amanda tries to console him, saying that the suit makes Cliff only 15% hotter. (I disagree - and I'm saying this as someone who already found him hotter than average.)

Fido mopes disconsolately, observing that every waiter is serving Cliff food, and every bartender is pouring him drinks. Amanda realizes that Fido is falling for an "average man." She tells him to accept it, and find some way to "show that fatty how much you care." She calls Cliff over and pushes Fido at him. They hug, and all is well.

Betty and Henry stand outside the courthouse building. Betty is unhappy, but Henry feels that she should go to the ceremony instead of the subway museum. Betty takes off in the opposite direction. Henry reminds her that they're the ones who will be there for her when he leaves.

Hilda watches and takes pictures as Ignacio and other new citizens make their Oath of Allegiance. (Justin watches the wedding coverage on his phone and protests loudly when he sees a famous guest wearing white.) Betty comes in, and Ignacio sees her just as he finishes the oath. Afterwards, they hug, and all is well.

He apologizes for the way he spoke to her, and she apologizes for hiding the relationship from him. She admits that when Henry leaves, she'll be a mess. And Ignacio will be the one to fix her up again. (Heh, just to cause trouble, I'm going to vote for Gio instead.)

Betty says she'll move back in. Ignacio lets on that he knows what she did to make his citizenship happen. He tells her she can't betray Daniel for him, but she's afraid of what will happen if she messes with Wil. Ignacio says it's too late now - he's an American!

Daniel finds Duane guarding Wil's dressing room at the church and starts hinting around that, being a bodyguard, Duane must get a lot of action. Duane suspiciously asks Daniel if he's hitting on him. Daniel offers a blank check in exchange for dirt on Wil, but he's forgotten his checkbook. Wil comes out to see what's going on. Daniel bluffs and tells her that Duane's already told him everything. Wil blithely denies this and craftily says that even if Daniel did know something, he couldn't tell his father because... "there's no proof," Duane interrupts, spoiling Wil's plan to stretch out the gloating. Daniel decides to go to the wedding.

Later, Wil is ready for the wedding to begin. VB is missing; Wil doesn't seem very concerned. VB has been locked in some room off of a distant corridor. Har har har! (What a waste of a guest star and subplot!)

The music begins. Everyone turns to look at Wil as she makes her grand entrance and walks down the aisle alone (no father, no Victoria Beckham), to the altar where Bradford and Alexis are waiting. The priest begins the ceremony; Betty bursts through the door and objects. The priest says they haven't reached that part of the ceremony yet. Betty takes Daniel aside and tells him what she knows. She urges him to speak to his father before it's too late; he is very angry when he finds out that she's known for four months. He doesn't let her explain why she kept the secret. Instead, he fires her.

The happy couple are just starting to take their vows when Daniel interrupts. Bradford agrees to listen to him. Wil tries to finish the ceremony without him, but the priest doesn't allow it! Wil desperately commands Fido to "do something," so Fido gets up and introduces the daughter of Fey Sommers to the crowd. He tells Amanda to sing, with the added incentive that Quincy Jones is there. And thus it is here, now, in St. Patrick's Cathedral that Amanda (Tanen) Sommers makes her music debut... with the Milkshake song.

Daniel tells Bradford what he knows. Bradford is angry - with Daniel. Naturally, he wants proof of Wil's perfidy. Daniel says that Betty witnessed it personally. Brad doesn't believe him - after all, where's Betty? He's not going to bug out on the wedding based on some non-present assistant's word.

Daniel notes that Bradford is sweating. He thinks it's because deep down, Bradford knows he's making a mistake. Bradford says no, it's his blood pressure. He angrily goes back to the altar while Amanda finishes up her song. The crowd is enjoying it, and the organist has joined in. There is a smattering of applause for her before the wedding resumes.

As the priest begins the vows, Bradford looks into the crowd and sees Duane putting some serious moves on the woman sitting next to him. He rubs his chest nervously as his heart beats faster and louder. Wil turns to him as the priest is saying "for as long as you both shall live."

Brad crumples to the floor like a coat falling off its hanger. (He pitches forward, yet somehow lands flat on his back.) Enraged, Wil pounds his chest and orders him not to die. Alexis pulls her away, and Daniel begins CPR. The priest prays. Cameras flash like strobe lights at a rave.

Hilda, Ignacio, and Justin watch at home, and Betty watches in Times Square, as Daniel desperately works to keep his father alive.

---

Next week:
If you were fortunate enough to have missed the previews for next week, consider yourself lucky. They pretty much nullified any suspense that was created by this episode. I can't help wondering if ABC did this to be spiteful to the striking writers.

Whatever ABC's motive was, previews are supposed to tease, not spoil - so I'm not going to recap them here. If you really want to know, you should have no trouble finding the information someplace else.

11/8/07: Great moments in Office episodes

Apparently, they already knew everything they needed to know about him. (Pam)

I say it's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose. (Dwight)

I would make sure that you were dead. I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips, so you could not be identified, and they would call me the Overkill Killer. (Dwight)

You tell her it's for Creed. She'll know what that means. (Creed)

I'll look into it, but the answer's no. (Jim)

Jan has plastic boobs! I have hemorrhoids! (Michael)

Most days I just sit and wait for the break. (Kevin)

I've tented my pants! (Michael)

Hey Michael, I mean Jim... (Phyllis)

I don't need the woods. I have a nice wood desk. (Michael)

Michael: I say stuff like that to lighten the tension when things sorta get hard.
Jim: That's what she said.

Nov. 1, 2007 (2.6, aka #29): Boyfriends

Nov. 1, 2007 (2.6, aka #29): Boyfriends

Ignacio catches Betty trying to sneak out on a date with Henry (or, as far as Ignacio knows, a lonely trip to the movies). He shows her into the kitchen, where he has planned a surprise to celebrate Hilda's first week of working at the beauty salon. She tries to get out of it, but he lures her in with the temptation of carne asada. They surprise Hilda with balloons and a feast when she gets back from work; she's wearing a bright orange tank top with "FRESHLY SQUEEZED" emblazoned across the front. Justin wants to hear all about this salon, which is sometimes frequented by celebrities.

When they hear that Betty's going to the movies, they all want to pack up the dinner and come with. Betty gives in and agrees to stay. She steps outside to give Henry the bad news. He laments that no one will let Betty be "alone" with the pain of their alleged breakup; first Daniel, then Christina, now her family. Betty doesn't want anyone to know the truth, because she and Henry are "doing something really stupid."

Hilda approaches (loudly) with the news that "Papi unscrewed the good wine." Betty gives Henry a shove to hide. He topples over, evidently squashing a cat on the way down. That's how their "date" ends.

Betty approaches Christina the next day with a tortured hypothetical question about booze, donuts, and temptation. Henry crosses their path, and Christina realizes from their flustered reactions that Henry is Betty's hypothetical donut. Christina's wise opinion is that it's either crazy or hot. But mostly hot. She agrees to be Betty's alibi for their next date, so they can finally get some time to get busy - or as Christina says, so that Betty can bite her donut, and dunk him in her coffee, and... and then they take off in search of booze and donuts.

Bradford is in the office, lecturing Daniel on what he should have done to appease the guy from Atlantic Attire. It's too late now. He puts Alexis in charge of trying to get some mileage out of their contacts at Ralph Lauren.

Betty is texting an apology to Henry when she walks smack into Gio, the hot sandwich boy. Or should I say the sandwich hot boy. Whatever he is, he gives Betty a status report on the pursuit of his dream - he's rented a kiosk in the lobby to sell sandwiches (now as a self-employed sandwich boy rather than an employee... actually, I suppose that makes him a sandwich man). Betty finds his promotional flyer to be very bland and informative; she offers some imaginative alternatives (including something about hero sandwiches - she makes a muscle to demonstrate), but he's already paid for 500 copies of the current version.

Daniel tells Betty about the meeting with his father - how Bradford immediately put Alexis back in charge. (With perfect timing, Bradford and Alexis pass through, chatting and laughing.) Daniel says he has a plan, though, to save the place on his own. Apparently the first step is to call the sales people and ask for their leads. (Wow! Creative!) He tries to swagger away, but stubs his toe on the carpet.

Fido is bustling nervously about Wil's office, lighting aromatherapy candles. He tells Amanda it's a Code Fuschia - Wil's daughter Nico called. She's not coming to the wedding! Amanda bravely promises to stand by Fido no matter what. They hug. Then Wil comes in, braying "Someone's getting fired today." Amanda excuses herself and runs off!

Wil has been fasting for ten days and is too skinny for her wedding gown. (I hate Wil. A lot.) Vera Wang, the designer, told her there's not enough time to alter the gown to fit, because of the boning. (Hehheh. She said boning.) Wil is angrily unwrapping something as she speaks. Fido is horrified to realize that it's a great big grinder (or as everyone else calls them, a hero, or a sub). Wil needs to gain six pounds by Saturday. She watches enviously as Betty walks buy with a sandwich in one hand and a soda in the other.

She pauses, sniffing the air. She smells something. It is the smell of fear! She asks Fido what he's done wrong. He says that Nico got bitten by her pet monkey and is in quarantine, and therefore can't go to the wedding. Wil pretends not to care, and asks Fido to fetch her two of whatever Betty's having for lunch.

Betty visits Henry in his cube and "drops" some paperwork to give both of them an excuse to get under his desk for a chat. She proposes that they have a real date tonight - see Wicked as they had originally planned last year, and then afterward, "the date could continue," she hints. In his gentlemanly excitement, Henry bumps his head on the desk. Then Daniel finds them, and Betty bumps her head too.

Betty tries to convince Daniel that they always sign his paperwork under Henry's desk, for privacy. For some reason, Daniel doesn't buy this explanation. He chews her out, remembering how heartbroken she was when he had to leave before. He says that if she is dating Henry, he'll consider firing him. He says Betty butts into his life all the time because she cares for him, and now he's doing the same for her.

Fido is warning Amanda that Wil is on a rampage and might try to eat Halston when Cliff shows up. Fido panics and throws something. Halston leaps out of Amanda's arms and runs down the hallway; Amanda chases after him. Fido casually addresses Cliff as "bud" and denies that the woman he was just talking to was his friend Amanda. As Fido frantically drags Cliff to the elevator for privacy, Cliff complains that they always eat at either his place or Fido's, but never in any of NY's many fine restaurants. Fido claims it's because of all the lights and people. Cliff asks if Fido's embarrassed to be seen with him. Fido denies this as he presses the elevator button for the umpteenth time. Cliff says good, then they're going to a restaurant at 8. He leans in for a kiss, but the elevator door opens and Fido pulls back, ostensibly to let someone off the elevator. He makes a dumb crack about the homophobic fashion world, shakes Cliff's hand, and takes off.

Betty tries to get tickets to the show, but it's sold out. She tries to appeal to the ticket seller's sense of romance; Daniel overhears her and is suspicious. Betty blurts out that she's not dating Henry, she's dating "that guy." She points, and I'm not sure if she realizes right away that she's pointing at Gio, because his back's turned. But then he sees her and makes a muscle at her. She makes a muscle back at him.

Now Wil is upset about the party favors for the reception. The chocolate hearts were supposed to be packed one dark chocolate and one white chocolate per box; some idiot has boxed two of a kind in each box, segregating them. She wants to take the rest of the planning into her own hands. Fido eagerly offers to stay and help her this evening. She rewards him by throwing one of the chocolates at him; he catches it in his mouth. Then he calls Cliff to cancel their plans because his mean chocolate-pushing boss is making him work late.

Daniel brings Betty a sandwich and demands that she inspect it for flaws. Amazingly, she refuses, but offers to get him another one. Impatiently, he takes the bun off the sandwich, and underneath is a promotional card for Wicked. It turns out that Mode can get house seats to just about any show; Amanda can hook them up. To complicate matters, however, he's given the tickets to Gio.

Gio teases her mercilessly about what a gentle lover he is, and how disappointed that she's two-timing him with Henry, aka "Egg Salad on White." He gives her one ticket in exchange for a lot of information about their relationship; he agrees with Daniel, that she's being stupid. He keeps the other ticket, supposedly in case Daniel checks, but mostly just to mess with Betty. "I'm not gonna go with YOU," she whines loudly. She gives him her ticket and tells him his happy-face pickle flyer is "bad." He mocks her choice of words (as well he should, since "sad" would have been much better), and she tells him to suck it.

Betty is then forced to turn to Amanda for another pair of tickets. She starts by telling Amanda her sweater is nice. Amanda makes as if to reciprocate, but gives up after giving Betty a critical up-and-down look. She lets Betty have the tickets, in exchange for which Betty will walk Halston every day for a month, possibly in her bathing suit.

Daniel meets with some Prada people to sell them some ads. We don't see how it goes, but he tells his photographer friend Becks (where the hell has he been for all these weeks?) that he blew it. Becks reviews the list of sales leads and picks one out - Sandra Winthrop (Marlo Thomas!!), who owns a jewelry company. He tells Daniel she's over 50, but foxy. He'll have to seduce her to get her to advertise with Mode.

Justin and some drama club friends are looking at his collection of vintage playbills. (Yes, Justin's back to normal - no more leather jacket, no more surly attitude.) One of the friends says that his father saw Hilda at her job. At a beauty parlor? Nope - at a place called Headlights. "It's like Hooters, but not as classy," the other friend explains. The first friend shows Justin the video he took on his phone. Justin and the other friend are horrified.

Justin waits for his mother to get home. He tells her he heard that Madonna went to Hilda's salon today. Hilda casually agrees, saying yeah, she wouldn't shut up about Kabbalah stuff. Having caught her in a lie, Justin confronts her with the evidence on his friend's phone. She admits that she offered some "constructive suggestions" to one of the more experienced stylists, which got her fired. She's been lying about it because the family supported her and put up balloons. She needed the money more than she needed to follow her dreams.

Betty and Henry show up for "Wicked" and their very first date. So do Gio and his preteen sister Antonella, who maks snotty comments about Betty's braces and Henry's egg salad habit. They sort out their tickets, but then Daniel shows up with Sandra Winthrop, who openly gloats about being wooed by Daniel. Great news - they have adjacent seats! Henry and Gio are forced to switch "dates" so that Daniel won't fire Henry. Henry and Antonella end up sitting a little further away.

The show begins. I've read the novel, but the musical isn't much like the book, which was very dark and serious. Betty and Henry text one another and signal to each other with coughs and sneezes, until Gio threatens to gag. (For what it costs to go to one of these things, I think someone ought to confiscate their phones, because even a vibrating phone is pretty loud in a theater, and the bright display is distracting.) Gio catches Daniel putting the moves on Sandra, and brings it to Betty's attention. Betty scolds him for it. (Gio shushes her loudly.) Daniel replies that the only thing he's good at selling is himself. (I hope I NEVER have to sit near any of these gabby, phone-buzzy people in a theater!) Gio complains that he missed the song.

Just to make trouble, Gio puts some moves on Betty too. Betty doesn't like it, but when Daniel glances at them, she pretends to enjoy it. Gio teases her about giving mixed signals. Bratty Antonella tattles to Henry, who whips out his phone to text a demand to meet in the lobby.

Meanwhile, Fido is briefing Wil on her wedding day schedule while Wil walks around with a large chicken (or small turkey) drumstick in her hand. (Or, knowing Wil, it really could be a Halston leg, I suppose.) Cliff shows up with "steak for two" from a restaurant. Wil, who doesn't recognize Cliff as one of Mode's own photographers, tells Fido to tip him $5 because he needs a haircut. She takes off with the food. Fido tells Cliff that Wil doesn't give dinner breaks to white people because she's still upset about slavery.

Amanda shows up, moaning over some Kate Moss pictures and claiming she'd do her. Cliff says he took those pictures, and if he were a girl he'd do Kate Moss too. He insists that Fido introduce them. Fido does so very reluctantly... as his "friend." Cliff gets offended. ("I don't think he's your friend," Amanda whispers to Fido.) Cliff explains that he WAS Fido's boyfriend... but he has self respect. And Fido's pathetic. Cliff dumps him and leaves.

Amazed, Amanda drags Fido into the bathroom and asks about Cliff. "He looks like he ate your type," she says. Fido says Cliff is sweet, and he wrote Fido a poem, and got some hot celebrity to call him up, and makes a puppet named Mr. Gutley out of his belly-button.

Amanda is weirded-out by this side of Fido. So is Fido. He says he doesn't want to "end up sad and alone like Wilhelmina." He scoffs at Nico's monkey-bite excuse and how Wil's marrying for money. A toilet flushes, Wil comes out of a stall, and walkis past them to wash her hands. She says nothing. Fido tries to ply her with pork rinds, but she refuses them. She admits that she was hoping Nico would change her mind about being maid of honor, but it's not true that she's alone, citing "hundreds of backstabbing, two-faced, superficial friends" of whom any would gladly be her MOH. She starts dialing. She also asks Fido to bring a date so that he doesn't "end up sad and alone." Fido calls Cliff and admits he screwed up.

Betty and Henry argue in the lobby. She again throws Charlie's pregnancy in his face. Henry points out that she's not the only one who will have a broken heart when he goes back to Arizona. He stalks off and goes back to the show. And now, as Elphaba sings a song of unrequited love, insecurity, and crushed dreams, a montage:

Betty wanders around the empty lobby, looking around at nothing, just being sad.
Henry keeps looking behind him to see if she's coming back.
Daniel looks at Betty's empty seat, then at Sandra.
Gio looks at Elphaba. Go figure.
Wil looks at steak or chocolate souffle, but doesn't eat it. Then she looks at her engagement photo with Bradford.
Hilda puts on a jacket over her truly appalling Headlights shirt.

As the song ends, Henry comes back to Betty in the lobby. They are about to make up when Daniel and Sandra pass through; Henry and Betty look for a place to smooch in private.

Daniel and Sandra search for something similar. They end up in a coatroom. Daniel just happens to see Betty's coat; when he points it out, Sandra tells him to give her a raise. Daniel's mood changes, and he says he can't seduce her just to get her to advertise. She says she wants him to seduce her because he has a nice ass. He tries to close the deal without sex. He explains that she can gain back some of the revenue she's been missing lately by advertising to a younger audience. She says she'll have her ad man call him tomorrow. He suggests that they go out and "celebrate." She turns him down, because she's turned off by smart guys. (Smart? Hah. If only she knew.) They go back to the show.

In their quest for a private smooching spot, Betty and Henry end up backstage and can't find their way out. They don't realize that the platform they're standing on (and making out on) is meant to be hoisted out over the stage until it's too late. As soap bubbles float all around them, everyone in the theater sees them together, including the actors on the stage - and Daniel.

They get thrown out of backstage. Betty needs to go back for her things; she runs into Daniel. He gives her hell for lying to him and seeing Henry. She insists that it's her heart to break if she wants to. Daniel tells her she's being stupid. (Two words, Daniel: Salma Hayek.) She finds Henry outside and tells him, yet again, "I don't think I can do this." At least not tonight.

She talks things over with Hilda, who tells Betty that if the most happiness they're going to have together is five months, then what's stupid is spending time with Hilda instead of with Henry. If she could have one more minute with Santos, she wouldn't turn that down just because she knew it would hurt when it was over. (They agree not to tell Ignacio.)

Justin and Ignacio call Hilda into the kitchen for a talk. She is not happy that Justin told their father about her job at Headlights. Instead of giving her a lecture, however, they give her a professional-style bonnet hair dryer. Ignacio contributed money from some unknown source, and Justin sold his playbills. (And yet, they couldn't raise any money for a lawyer last year? Interesting...) They want her to open a salon called "The Sweet Hair-After" (Betty came up with the name) on their porch, and Ignacio is going to serve coffee cakes. (I don't see how this can possibly work out, what with zoning laws and such. Not to mention winter.) They say she should try being her own boss; if worst comes to worst, she can fire herself. (Come to think of it, she did pretty well for herself selling Herbalux.)

Betty hurries to Henry's place. He is glad to see her. She takes his hand, and they kiss, and then they go into his apartment and close the door.

---

Next time:
The wedding, with special guest Victoria Beckham. Betty objects. Daniel's still mad.

The Writers Guild of America has voted to go on strike. It's much too early to predict what effect, if any, this will have on Ugly Betty. They should have at least a few episodes in the can, but if the strike drags out, we might be watching reruns for a while after the new episodes run out.

11/1/07: Great moments in Office episodes

It's a pretty easy gig when your boss isn't an idiot and your boyfriend's not in love with somebody else. (Karen)

I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left. (Michael)

Besides having sex with men, I would say the "Finer Things" club is the gayest thing about me. (Oscar)

Oscar: What are you microwaving?!
Phyllis: Popcorn.
Pam: Why don't you use the microwave in the kitchen, Phyllis?
Phyllis: Someone needs to clean it. It smells like popcorn.

I fired them, and you're next. So... what do you say? (Michael)

We are going to make Karen wish that she had never been dumped by you. (Michael)

I brought Silly String. (Michael)

Why don't we play that alphabet game you were talking about. (Jim)

I think I cut my penis on the lid. (Dwight)

You've been like an uncle to me. Like a kind old Uncle Remus. (Andy)

The eyes are the groin of the head. (Dwight)

Come on, Jim. Just climb on top of her and think about Stanley. (Michael)

Wanted: Middle-aged black man with sass, big butt, bigger heart... (Michael)

How on earth did Michael call my bluff? Is he some kind of secret genius? Sometimes I say crazy things. (Stanley)

What was fun about it for you? Was it the death of the twins? (Toby)

Oct. 25, 2007 (2.5, aka #28): Hot dates and cold reality

Betty and Henry chat on cell phones on their way to work. Henry is adamant that he is going to Tuscon only to father his child - not to be with Charlie. But Betty feels that a long-distance relationship is not feasible, and that it would better to avoid one another for the next five months that he's still in NY. They carefully synchronize schedules such that they will not run into one another at lunch or in the office. Then, as she exits from the front of the very crowded bus, Betty sees Henry exit from the back. She hurriedly ducks inside to avoid him, but he sees her face squashed against the window as the bus pulls away. Their eyes meet. He offers to take the subway from now on.

Naturally, Henry is at Betty's very first meeting of the day. She assures Daniel that she'll be fine. "It's not like I'm writing 'Betty loves Henry' all over my notebook." (Daniel points to some conflicting evidence.) Wilhelmina has called a meeting for Daniel with the Sales, Marketing, and Accounting groups. Betty asks someone to move so that she can sit as far from Henry as possible, but Daniel immediately takes that seat. She asks the next person to move, but instead of the person she asked, another person moves - who had been sitting next to Henry.

Wil telling them that, thanks to the "leaked" news of Daniel losing the Atlantic Attire account (this was the one where the guy wanted Daniel to fire Alexis), they've lost 52% of their remaining sponsors. While Wil is speaking, Betty and Henry keep bumping knees by mistake and become flustered. Henry tells them that if the magazine doesn't cut back expenses, they'll be out of business in 90 days.

Wil does her best to speed up the process - approving all expenses without reviewing them, and delegating the supervision of a photo shoot to Fido. Then she helpfully tries to convince Daniel and Alexis to cut costs by switching to rice paper, which is translucent, and soy ink, which smears and rubs off. She suggests offsetting this inconvenience by throwing in some free detergent samples. They also experiment with some new layouts and content, including celebrity mugshots.

Betty looks at some mockups and tells Daniel he should ask his father for a loan to keep the magazine afloat. That way, at least they can afford to go out in style. Daniel hates the idea, but Alexis feels the same way when the soy ink smudges all over her designer blouse. She volunteers to do the asking - since she seems to be Bradford's favorite "son," she'll take the blame for the loss of advertising revenue.

Meanwhile, Claire and Yoga have been hiding out at another rich friend's vacant beach house, plotting their next move. While Yoga has been enjoying the high life, Claire has been "drinking... I mean thinking." With the clarity of thought that only prolonged alcohol abuse can inspire, she has decided to turn herself in because her kids need her. Yoga reminds her that she won't be much use to them in prison. Besides, Yoga needs her too - she wants to stay at some more vacation homes. But Claire would rather see her kids from behind bars than not at all. Yoga gives in and proceeds to select some valuable souvenirs from their temporary home.

Later, Claire snoops through her unwitting hosts' mail and is muy impactada to find an invitation to Bradford's wedding.

Christina, who is measuring a fine specimen of masculinity because his underwear supposedly needs to be tailored properly ("they never catch on," she asides to Betty), counsels that it would be easier to ignore Henry if she had someone else to think about. Betty resists the idea of dating, especially with an online service. Christina assures her that she probably won't get chopped into little pieces. Betty reconsiders and agrees when she thinks she sees Henry's head on the underwear model's body.

Christina helps Betty fill out a profile on a dating site. Their efforts to take a photo are thwarted by Betty's uncooperative eyes (and I know the feeling - you should have seen my 1993 passport photo). Suddenly, Betty sees an attractive sandwich which Amanda had tried to trade in for a pair of shoes; Betty's resulting smile makes a great picture.

Fido goes to the photo shoot. His typically goofy antics charm and amuse Cliff, the photographer. Together, they admire Gus - the model with the not-really-altered underwear. "Please let him be dumb - he can't have everything," Cliff jokes. (The model giggles and tells them he put his underwear on backwards.)

Fido admits to Cliff that he doesn't understand the shoot's theme, which is a tribute to the films of Alfred Hitchcock. Fido is unfamiliar. Cliff offers to educate him with an evening of drink and film. He suggests a beer. Fido insists on an appletini.

As Cliff goes about his business, Amanda rushes in to tell Fido about Betty. Fido tells her to bookmark the dating site so they can laugh at it later. They admire Gus together, and Amanda scoffs at Fido's plan to ask him out on a date.

Henry's cube neighbor, Kenny, acts as a middleman, delivering paperwork for Betty and Henry. He tries to cajole Betty into giving Henry another chance. He also asks Christina to tell her friend to "throw my man a Betty-biscuit before he leaves for Tuc-son." Betty interrupts their debate on the proper pronunciation of "Tuscon" because she is already getting some responses on the dating site. Most of them are food-themed joke responses authored by Amanda, but there's also one from NiceGuy47, who proposes a bowling date.

"Yes, I love blowing," Betty replies. (Christina kindly points out the typo.) Kenny reports the news of Betty's hot date to Henry. (It is also revealed that Kenny uses the ladies' restroom, because it's cleaner.) "This is something I heard with my own eyes," he promises Henry. Betty is going bowling "with a dude." Henry is impactado.

Betty's date, Steve, shows up just as Betty is picking some crud out of her braces. After they introduce themselves, Steve comments, "Adult braces?" (This reminds me of the time I went to a movie with a date. As I put on my glasses, he asked, "You wear glasses?") She admits that the braces probably weren't visible in her photo. He comments that it was a really good picture.

(Guess what, Steve? When Betty gets those braces off, her teeth will be perfect. She won't have a big gap between those two teeth on the upper left like you do.)

A while later, Betty is explaining that she didn't choose a profile name involving bunnies, because all the good bunny names were taken. It's her turn, but she can't stop talking long enough to bowl. Steve looks about ready to shoot himself, and sadly so would I in that situation. He observes that they still have many frames to go yet, and prompts her to take her turn. Then her phone rings. He excuses himself to go to the bathroom. She offers to tell him a long-winded story about the bathrooms there when he comes back. He smiles politely, but dread is written all over his face as he gets up.

The call is from Christina, wanting a status report. Betty happily informs her that he's really nice, and there haven't been any awkward conversational pauses. Christina says goodbye and gets an IM from someone named FISHANDCHICKS saying he knows she's not really single, because he's her husband!

Steve comes out of the bathroom and watches as Betty airs out her armpits over the blower on the ball return. He turns and heads for the exit. Henry, spying through a vacant space in the ball rack, sees him leave. Then he looks at Betty, who has just lost her balance and is sliding on her butt down the ball return. Unlike Steve, he finds her clumsiness endearing.

Betty bowls alone for a while. She finally knocks over one pin, and jumps up and down and shouts excitedly. She turns around and sees Henry, who pretends to be surprised to see her. He has a lame story that he's there to meet with the accountants' bowling league, the Debitz. She tells him that she's on a date, and it's going really well. Henry says that if it was with a guy in a yellow shirt, he got a phone call in the bathroom and had to leave. Something about a sick bird. Bird flu. His story gets worse and worse until Betty looks ready to cry. So does Henry. They admit to one another that they're not enjoying their plan to avoid one another. Betty suggests that they try to be "friends." They seal their friendship with twin gutter balls and a high-five.

Then the lights dim and voice on the loudspeaker announces that it's time for couples bowling... effectively disproving Henry's Debitz league story, just in case Betty was left with any doubts. They agree that bowling sucks, so they flee to a nice restaurant. On seeing a poultry dish at another table, Betty jokes that it must be her date's bird. They laugh about Henry's feeble story about the bird and about league night. (The Debitz are real, he insists - it's just that they meet on a different night.) He admits that he heard about her date, and he got jealous.

A violist approaches. Betty sends him away, explaining that they're just friends - Henry got another girl pregnant. The violinist makes a face and slinks away. Then the rose lady approaches, offering a rose for Henry's pretty lady. "She's not my pretty lady," he replies. He awkardly tries to clarify that she's pretty but not his; the violinist fills in the lurid details.

Mortified, Betty gets up to leave. Henry reaches for her hand and says loudly enough for everyone in the restaurant to hear: "We can do this!"

"He's proposing!" cries an excited onlooker. Everyone applauds. The violinist starts playing Mendelssohn's Wedding March recessional. "I can't do this," Betty mutters softly, and rushes out. Henry turns away, while his spellbound audience awaits his next move.

Back at the beachhouse, Yoga, who is really growing on me, has optimistically been studying Italian in hopes that Claire will change her mind and agree to hide out at someone's villa in Positano. She walks into the den to tell Claire that "Pesce" is Italian for "Fish," but Claire is gone. Yoga's expression darkens when she finds the wedding invitation on the table. Instinctively, she turns to the wall, where several firearms are mounted on display. One of the rifles is missing. She shakes her head and prepares to retrieve her wayward Pesce.

Fido pirouettes to show off a plaid suit and bowtie to Amanda. He's going out with Gus, the underwear model. However, Cliff, the charmingly scruffy photographer, shows up first. Fido says yeah, they did have plans, but this thing with Gus is different, it's a date.

As he's saying it, he sees the look on Cliff's face and realizes his blunder. Cliff plays it cool and pretends not to care. Fido chases him down to apologize. Cliff doesn't want to talk about it.

He changes his mind and confronts Fido. He tells him that drinks and a movie is always a date. And maybe he's not all hunky and perfectly coiffed, and maybe he's inexplicably using air quotes all of a sudden (Fido giggles), but it's very cliche for beauty to date beauty, while beauty dating a beast is a fairy tale. (Which, in my opinion, is an even bigger cliche... but ABC is owned by Disney, so what do you expect.) Also, Gus is hot now, but 20 years from now (I say 15), Gus will look like Cliff anyway.

Alexis and Daniel go to Bradford's house to have dinner with him and Wil. Brad claims that they used to have a family dinner every Sunday night right up until the car accident, but as he takes Alexis's coat, she half-remembers another time when she was Alex and handed Bradford a coat. It's just a glimpse.

Next, Wil makes them all pose for a Christmas card photo. Wil makes snide remarks about their mother being on the lam while they get into position in front of the camera. Bradford offers to take Alexis's glass. As he does so, she half-remembers another time when Bradford took Alex's glass and angrily threw it into the fireplace. Before she has time to ponder this, Wil finishes setting up the camera and hurries to stand in front of all of them as the flash goes off.

Claire has been watching all this from outside the house, through the scope of her borrowed rifle. Yoga finds her. Claire snaps out of it and shows Yoga the placid-looking gathering through the window. She admits that Wil has accomplished what Claire never could: she has brought the family together. She says to Yoga, "Let's go to Italy." Yoga gently leads her away from the house.

As the remaining Meades sit down to dinner, Alexis raises the subject of the magazine's finances. Daniel interrupts, wanting to shoulder the responsibility himself. Wil pulls up a chair to enjoy the show as Daniel explains about losing Atlantic Attire and all the additional revenue. Bradford starts laying into Daniel - verbally - about what a screwup he is, unlike Alex/is.

As they argue, Alexis all-the-way-remembers another time when Bradford said similar things to Alex, ending with "You are DEAD TO ME, Alex!" In fact, as the flashback changes from black and white to full color, we realize that Alexis now remembers everything.

She steps out to clear her thoughts. Daniel follows. She tells him that she remembers now how much their father hates her. Daniel explains that Bradford doesn't hate her at all; in fact, he's been using the amnesia as an opportunity to make a fresh start.

She tells Daniel that she put a hit on Bradford, and the hit man must have cut the brakes on the car they crashed. The accident was her fault, not Daniel's. Daniel is not as forgiving as Alexis was a week ago; on the other hand, he has no idea how badly Bradford treated Alexis, either. He was too high at the time to notice.

Hilda has joined a social club for widows, who seem to spend most of their time at the Suarez house when they're not hanging out at the cemetery. Hilda is by far their youngest member, but she's grateful to be around people who truly understand what she is going through. Her new friends have not only accepted widowhood, but embraced it as an entire identity. They tell morbid stories about how their husbands died, plan widow-related activities that will reinforce their widowly station in life, fill their hours with mundane activities such as ironing dollar bills for birthday cards and writing angry letters about petty slights, and eagerly anticipate their own deaths.

Justin is also still grieving in his own way - he declines to try out for The Music Man and says the drama club is for losers. (He's not just its president - he's also its founder.) He gives Hilda something from the school to sign - she is too distracted to read it before signing. She dismisses Ignacio's concerns.

The paper excuses Justin from a field trip. He tells his friends he'll swipe the car so they can go for a ride. The chick who was on the sofa with him last week tells him that car theives are hot. He fishes Hilda's keys out of her purse as she plans a trip to Rockaway Beach with her cheerfully bereaved friends.

Later - specifically, at 3:15 - she prepares to meet her friends for an Early Bird Special dinner. Ignacio again expresses his concern that Hilda needs to concentrate on the life that she still has, and her responsibility to Justin. Again she brushes him off, saying they're fine.

After dinner, she works on a quilt (made out of Santos's old shirts) and babbles happily about applesauce. Ignacio points out that the grandmas have all fallen asleep. He mischievously suggests that one of them might be dead. Hilda checks her breath on a mirror just to be on the safe side.

A siren roars outside. It's Justin and a cop. He's crashed the car against a tree. Nobody was hurt, and the cop knows the family's situation, so she cuts them a break just this once. But she warns Hilda that these things can spiral out of control.

Hilda's eyes finally meet Ignacio's. She gives him a tiny nod and sends the widows home. She'll meet them again at the cemetery, but she's bowing out of the other activities, like the trip to Rockaway.

She confronts Justin about his behavior, and he confronts her about her intermittent mothering. They argue, and for the first time, she acknowledges Justin's loss. Justin says he just wants his father to be proud of him. Hilda reminds Justin that Santos accepted him the way he was. Mother and son re-bond in their grief.

Fido looks around a lushly decorated apartment and giggles that this is not the apartment he expected to end up in. (He has changed his clothes - no longer in the plaid suit, no longer in purple. Just casual things.)

Cliff, the roguishly handsome photographer, comes in and hands him an appletini. He gloats about having been chosen over an underwear model. Fido says it's only because he wanted to see Psycho. As the classic horror film begins, he shyly looks at Cliff and asks what happens if he gets scared. Cliff takes his hand and says he'll be right there. Fido replies with a bashful smirk. They jostle each others' feet on the coffee table.

(Nice transition to the next scene - converging horizontal stripes, similar to those in the opening credits of Psycho.)

Betty shuffles down the sidewalk in her neighborhood. Henry calls. She tells him it's enough that he's following her home - he doesn't have to call her too. The camera pulls back to reveal Henry walking a few paces behind her. He explains that he didn't want her walking alone at night.

She turns to face him and begs him to stop being so nice. He's only making things more difficult. She suggests that he "kick a puppy, or knock over a midget." ("Little person," he corrects her.) She goes up the steps to her house.

Henry complains that they haven't been able to avoid each other, and being "friends" nearly got them married. He asks if he should leave Mode. Betty doesn't say anything. He promises to quit on Monday. Betty says Daniel will help him find something else.

She goes into the house. He turns to leave. Betty comes back out and offers another option: she kisses him. She says she knows she'll get her heart broken when he leaves in five months, but it will be worth it. They kiss some more.

I need some damn Kleenex.

---

Next time:

• Gio the sandwich guy returns.
• Wilhelmina eats a sandwich (probably not a coincidence).
• Additional "Wicked"ness transpires.
• And just in case you were wondering, there's still been no fallout yet from Ignacio's escapades in Mexico.